I’m going to do my best not to over-analyze this as I write. It is going to be rough and I’m choosing to be O.K. with that. I need to write this down.
I am the definition of “healthy”.
I eat a whole food vegan diet; I am a certified yoga instructor.
I am what a lot of people would call “hippie dippy”.
I try to be conscious of my footprint on this Earth, how I treat people & animals.
I try to practice meditation, visualization & breathing techniques.
I use affirmations even though I think they’re sort of corny.
But I am clinically depressed. I am anxious. I am mentally crippled by my chronic addiction to over-analyzing myself.
I have dealt with an eating disorder for over 7 years. I’ve compulsively exercised for most of that time.
I am insanely resistant to taking care of myself.
I cling to relationships. I sabotage relationships.
Sex makes me cringe. It makes me want to crawl out of my skin. And I have, figuratively, in the past. I feel simultaneously fascinated, empowered, disgusted, & belittled by my sexuality.
I don’t know how to truly come to face myself on many of these issues. It feels like my brain is a box that fills so full of thoughts, fears, dreams, fears, fears, fears until it feels like it will burst. It literally gives me headaches.
At the same time, I have this feeling that my head is a balloon. I hold the string in my hand but what people associate as me is separate from the balloon. I can’t feel my body.
Is this disassociation? I don’t know and I’m not sure if that’s all that important to know because it happens anyway. Do these labels help us face up to our realities & give us ways to cope? Or do they box us in, condemn us, make us feel less? I guess that this is a subject for another article.
My point is. I’m not O.K.
But many of us aren’t. This generation is plagued with anxiety, depression, & a whole slew of other mental illnesses I don’t know enough about to write about.
Many of us are high-functioning which makes our position in society very difficult. We’re not easily identifiable which makes it harder for us to identify ourselves.
Many with depression, anxiety, eating disorders and so forth are driven & self-motivated. We’re the ones with crazy levels of self-control — until we lose it. Until we break. And sadly, it might take a lot of stress to make that happen.
I’m still waiting for the day when I allow myself to break and I think the stress is going to max out before I catch up.
It makes me sad. Yes, I see a counselor. Yes, I have a pretty awesome partner & a small support group of friends that I can trust. Yes, I try to maintain all of those coping mechanisms I listed at the top of this article, the mechanisms that make me “healthy”. But I’ve yet to shake this pall of sorrow & this feeling that someday it may drive me mad.
It does help to write about it, though.