Thank you so much for this. I was in a relationship where for two years my partner, my best friend tried to tell me I was doing this to her. And I never understood her, I couldn’t through my own emotional blinders.
I didn’t see me putting emotional needs on her when she had to deal with her own emotional needs. I saw a logical problem, with a logical solution and was confused she wouldn’t talk or pursue that “solution” and pulled away even more emotionally. I failed entirely to see my own fear was something I had to deal with while giving her space if we were to ever deal with the issue. I didn’t even see the fear, didn’t even realize I felt emotionally unsafe — I just saw a problem in a relationship with a “solution”. I was trained to “think” my way out of feelings, and that never worked. I feel like men are trained not just to not have emotions, but to see the world and all its problems as solveable through reason and logic, but trying to live that way we never see or even imagine how our “reason” is being driven around by emotions we can’t confront.
Not knowing my needs, to deal with my own fear, I had a constantly depleted emotional state (such a good phrase) and then everything just made me angrier, until I’d try to just go back to pure logic to solve the “problem” instead of giving space to my partner. The problem got bigger and bigger, and honestly; while its too late for that relationship, I *needed* to read this. So thank you.