I am not fierce, yet I belong here

M: Katrien, today is a perfectly bad day. All the things I had to do were lost between the hours rumbling on and I already cried so much I gave up trying to look presentable. I blame it on the planets alignment even though I have no clue what that might be.

I saw your mail some days ago. Timing is right to dive in.

I follow your lead.

K: Dear Murielle, remember summer 2015? For the first time I reached out to the woman who I felt intimidated by; something you won’t apologise for. “When you feel small it gives you the best perspective of exactly how tall you can be.” your answer was.

M: I still don’t get it. Intimidation. It’s like a compliment that expels me from the game all at once. And you know I want in. I want all of it. You have no idea how grateful I am you walked into the ring of fire with me like you did. Imagine being and staying intimidated. It’s the beginning of a story that has no right to be written. You broke that spell. Now we can talk. Now I am human. Now I can be what I really am and not what you think I am.

Intimidation is a feeling disguised as a result. Something I cause upon you. In reality it is a monologue of fear.

I am not even involved in this story. This time you reached out. Beyond fear. And I am grateful. Now we can meet.

K: It’s true. For years I — and no one else — didn’t see myself as a la fille d’O girl. I remember how the ease by which you talked about the female body and all the naughty things, made me feel uncomfortable. Images of bold girls made my thoughts waver. It wasn’t all black and white, and it troubled me to be honest. In secret I read your words sent to my mailbox. In secret I kept you close.

M: How does this work? When I see people smiling or dancing it makes me happy. I am a mirror. But not always. Sometimes it’s confronting to see the carelessness of others when all the ropes of my thoughts are tying me to the earth’s darkness. Where does this unease of yours come from? To me it is close to surrealism. I want to show women what carelessness can look like, and in doing so, I spook them like nothing else. There must be something wrong with my technique.

The reason why I show all these mad hatted women is because my world turns grey if I don’t. I am only half the battery without them and no electricity occurs when I am on my own. I need to look at these creatures in order to stay sane. And I know they need each other to relate just the same. This world is judgemental for the oddly mental. I have gathered all these beautiful creatures around me. Not for the sake of collecting them.

I found them to be surprisingly lonely in their madness. Holding back.

I noticed their gold flows again when surrounded by likeminded hearts. I feel blessed with every new gem I find. And I am not jealous at heart. I want to share these women. They inspire me so much, I want you to meet them too. See them roar. See them come undone. I know am not subtle. My enthousiasm is like fire dating a fine selection of tumbleweeds. I know I need to stay elegant but life is short. I’m sorry if I spooked you. My intentions are not shocking. But it’s hard to be like a feather when all I can speak is like whips. I am happy to know you kept me close nonetheless. Maybe the animal inside was not as scared as the brain?

K: But why? Why did I think I didn’t have it in me? During the innocence of my childhood I used my body in every way I could and I loved showing it by lifting up my t-shirt anywhere anytime. I remember, while eating a juicy plum, a boy pointed out my lady thingie down below has the same name as the fruit, in Dutch anyway. My mother wasn’t very pleased when I shared this newly found fact with her. It was a shameless time.

M: When reading this I remember when whips come out every time I try to speak delicately. Why are we trained to hold back. Why is it a vice to be proud of ones body. It saddens me to know we have developed a culture of worshipping beauty and youth yet this religion can not be applied into our reality. Like a perpetual dance to evoke a god, unwelcome upon arrival. We are and always will be the juicy plum. And there is absolutely no shame in the knowing, eating and enjoying all of that.

K: But, at the age of thirteen I became very conscious of my body and the body of other girls. Torn out and insecure, saying ‘no’ seemed the only way to feel strong. I alienated from my friend. My body was not my body; it was merely a tool walking me through life. Deep down, a crack appeared. Through the years my heart kept on falling apart and I just couldn’t sympathize with those being so careless about life, about their body.

M: I am not careless, Katrien. I am care-fullest. I absolutely love the human form. It is by far the smartest, most intricate shape I have ever seen. I saw and experienced so many bodies yet everytime I am in awe. Even the same body seems new to me at dawn.

The body is the best party to enjoy when eager to celebrate life itself.

It happened to me as well. as a young girl. I felt this daily movement of a new body creeping up on me, devouring the body I once knew so well. now I know the body is never complete. I think it is impossible and a total waste of time to take years to grow and become friends with this ever evolving body, because we will lose the race and life as such along the ride. I believe the only way to live this life is to climb into the driver seat of your thoughts and become objective over your most overwhelming longings. I love my every overwhelming longing. But I have learned that in order to maximize the joy they bring, all I need is to be honest with myself. Especially when it comes to fear. Fear is a gamestopper. I can feel it in my stomach. Life is confronting most of the time. But I long for my fears just so I can annihilate them. What I want most is to live a life free of fear and addiction. These emotions feel like bricks thrown in the flow of my most pleasurable emotions.

It is a perverse problem indeed: to lose your body as your friend. The distance created by no one else but you. The solution in no other hands but your own.

I have a confession to make. I used to be scared. To dance. When going out. I am overly conscious of my every movement. It kills me sometimes. When I was young I was too afraid to dance. Then drugs happened. And I lost my fear. I put my hand in the hand of music and let my fingers weave on to his. Then I wondered. If the drugs could take away the fear to find pleasure underneath, surely I was able to do the same. Isn’t the biggest fear of human beings to discover there is nothing underneath when uncovered? To be empty on the inside. Drugs showed me. There is dancing inside me. And I forced myself into fearless dancing without drugs. And I learned it is easy.

K: You come across so free; I wonder … how have your thoughts about the female body evolved over the years?

M: Yes. They evolve every day.

K: Have you always felt strong and proud of your own?

M: No. but my dad told me that every day alive could be my last. And I love what life offers me. And I was so lucky to receive a healthy body. So as a form of appreciation I take care of my body as good as I can. Providing it with smart food, so I stay strong. I know life is full of challenges anyway so I try to delete as many obstacles I can manage with these 2 hands. The drugs, the alcohol, the smoking, none of it makes my body better. So I delete it from my life.

I don’t feel strong or proud all the time. But I am happy I am alive most of the time. That helps.

K: Or do you recognize teenage insecurity; the fear of not satisfying the requirements? How have you put yourself above the images brands force upon us; the ten commands for a perfect body?

M: I didn’t. because I cant. I cannot be above it. It excludes me from the game. So I need to stay in the dirty belly of the beast. Learn the 10 commands. In order to change anything one needs to learn the rules. I am convinced the insecurity is not a thing reserved for teens. This would mean the struggle is over when 20 going on 21. The struggle is ongoing. Which is why I wont have none of it. Knowing the rules makes it easier to choose not to apply them.

And yes I have mirrors at home and a lot of the times I have a hard time recognising the eyes I am looking into. As long as I look on the outside like I feel on the inside I am happy. it took me the longest time to accept myself. My face. I still cannot define beauty for it is the most subjective feature one has. What I have learned is what I love most in others: energy.

Energy is by far the most beautiful feature. Eyes like fire. This is what I look for in the mirror. I find peace in my heart if I see my eyes are alive.

I try to have people in my life that keep that fire alive. Brands never make me feel happy with myself. People do.

K: For years I have been Nick Cave’s sorrowful wife; upset by a great loss and in constant conflict there was no love for me, or anyone else. While the greatest thing you’ll ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return.

I have learned the hard way, with bruises and regrets too. But I am grateful for the listeners and those who have waited patiently. Almost thirty, it was time to face what I’ve been avoiding for so long and — with my heart wide open — I walked into that fitting room full of half-naked girls.

You always kept my mind sharp. Not by telling me how to act or look, but by showing me a kaleidoscope of femininity: boyish, playful, comfortable, easy, rough, teasing, serene, voluptuous, fearless, clumsy, fun, innocent, comforting, modest, loud, courageous, kind, vulnerable, elegant, devoted, … All true, nothing fake. No marble statues carved to perfection, but female flesh to love and behold.

M: That is exactly what inspires me too. I can not relate to the glamour. It is far too superficial and staged for my taste. I want the grit of things. I want to live something substantial.

When grinding beauty, I want to dirty my hands on what remains. And yes there is difference in the rubble. Like dirty beaches.

K: I realized I don’t have to choose anything when wearing la fille d’O and maybe that’s why so many girls and women embrace your lingerie. It gives us the strength to be all the aspects lying inside of us. We can shine some light on the fabric, or keep it a mystery. It’s our second skin.

How does it feel to be a role model, to support us in so many ways? When was the first time you became aware of this? Or was it your intention/dream from the beginning, to offer more than just lingerie? Has it changed the way you approach people or your work? Are we dancing to the songs you play while creating?

M: I don’t see myself as a role model. La fille d’O was born out of a longing. Out of need for reality. The dirty hands. I am a collector and a looker upon things.

I absorb all these feelings from the women around me and I transform them into something precious.

The shape might be new but the feeling remains the same: yours. Maybe that explains the mutual awe and fear.

I have an odd capacity of crying other people’s tears. The hidden ones. The ones you are unable to shed. I guess it is the same for support. I know my own fears and desires. La fille d’O is a gathering of good and bad feelings I am eager to live. I am not a role model, I am living and sharing. I make mistakes. I move on. It was my intention to improve myself and the things that surround me. I don’t like idle hands for a smart mouth. Some people wonder where I get my inspiration. It seems so obvious to me. Look at what you are doing here. This is my very inspiration. It digs into my flesh like warm nails. Women keep feeding me their stories. Whether they are aware of how they eat my brain or not, they feed them to me and I transform them into something tangible.

Feelings are never unique. They become yours once they enter your life, but we all experience a vast selection of similar feelings in our lives.

I feel so silly. With every heartache I want to die. With every accomplishment I feel whole again. It is nothing new for the world but it is new to me every time. This ubiquitous sensation of unique and generic feelings is the chemistry behind la fille d’O. for every unique experience someone shares with me, I add it to our basket of wisdom. I use this feeling and translate into something other people can relate to, whether they have experience this exact feeling or a similar one. Like a zeitgeist machine.

K: Today I am thirty and exciting things are happening. Your lingerie honours my body, as I should have done for myself a long time ago. Everything feels new and thanks to you I feel ready to discover my body, to explore its possibilities.

M: What is it you long to discover? I wonder if deep inside you already know what is missing.

—

Letter 01.
A correspondence between la fille d’O & Stille Bliksem

All pictures by aultre ne veulx estre