The lighthouse in the storm
I was pondering something that happened recently with my own parenting which was another real point of leaning for me, I felt compelled in a time of difficulty to move into a place of understanding and increased resilience, in essence ‘how can I better weather this storm?’. I remember reading something some time ago, probably in a parenting book where the author writes how her kids are who they are IN SPITE of having her as a mother- I can relate to this!
When parenting a teen or tweenie it can often feel so stormy. At times the family system is put under stress by the pressures both of life and also we add to the mix what can be for many an extremely turbulent developmental stage.
I feel it’s important to consider the multi layered factors of the developing teenager that will impact many aspects of how they experience this period of their life and indeed how we experience them during this time.
Looking at the brain development of the teenager is important as it may give us a better understanding of the vulnerabilities teenagers face. As your youngster enters the teenage years their brain is going through a massive leap in development- much like that of a toddler’s.
Neuroscientists tell us that in this time teenagers access the part of the brain that is influenced by emotions (the limbic system) rather than using the part of the brain that is known as the rational and logical part known as the prefrontal cortex. As you can imagine, this greatly impacts on decision making and their responses to the world around them. It is also recognised that this can contribute to risky behaviours which are so often exhibited by teenagers. Remember also at this time that the kind of adult behaviours such as impulse control, reasoning and judgement are among the last to mature. I know……eek!!
I used the metaphor of the lighthouse in the storm as a title because that’s the way I feel personally about parenting teens at times. There’s something so powerful to me about reminding parents of the struggles of these times and the benefits of standing strong, tall and weathering the storm. I guess that the lighthouse can also be signified as being a safe haven that we are for our teens. Evolution dictates that the child will naturally pull away from the parents at this time, this is absolutely necessary as they prepare for adulthood and going it alone. This makes it doubly important then maybe for the parent to be the constant source of safety that they can gravitate back to as and when they need. I often feel its almost more important at this stage for them to understand just how much they are loved and that the space we provide at home is safe in every aspect.
Hormones
Hormones are more commonly thought of by parents as the reason for volatile behaviours and intense emotions and they’d be right. For females the oestrogen and progesterone hormones are alternating which can dramatically effect mood- hello to the highs and lows of mood swings!
For boys testosterone is searing through them, affecting the reactivity to emotions that they often express as anger but can also be seen as fear- hello temper and volatility!
What now?
So we have an understanding of the physiological changes that occur, but what now? This is where my therapist hat comes on and, quite frankly, I cling to it!
For me the first and most important thing to remember is to offer these teens love and understanding. If you can learn to embrace the highs and lows, the terse and grumpy communication you may find the road is all that bit smoother. Don’t get me wrong, I know this isn’t an easy task. It takes resilience, patience and oodles of empathy at times but embracing the quirks can release the pressure of constantly battling with your teen.
Let the small stuff go
Just like with toddlers I feel that having a 3 second buffer between responses to behaviours and communication is a wonderful tool. It was Brene Brown that said how incredibly beneficial her mantra of “respond not react” was to her parenting. I’ve used this mantra myself for years now and I find it’s a brilliant way to bring you back to the moment when tensions are running high, offering us the opportunity to RESPOND rather than REACT. It’s in this responding moment that you can also take the time to double check if indeed you need to hold this boundary or if there’s flexibility on how to approach whatever is coming up. By this I mean, is it important that this is done now? Can I be ok with the fact they are late when they are clearly sorry? Do I need to pursue this further with a consequence or can I offer understanding at this point like- do you know what honey I know how difficult it can be when……..fill in the blank!
Practice empathic listening
Listening is a really underrated tool. When we actually listen to our young ones, I mean really listen. Not having a phone in hand, stopping what we are doing and giving our full attention. Sometimes all they need is 3 minutes. 3 minutes of our unbridled attention, for us to really get into their world for a second and try to understand their struggles and celebrate their achievements and victories and remember this isn’t about offering solutions and fixing, it’s about coming alongside someone and meeting them where they are in the moment.
I cherish these times, they are opportunities to connect with our wonderful youngsters. It’s in these connecting times we are reminded of how funny, clever and utterly brilliant they are. We need to hold on to these moments and carry them with us into the storms! Remember always to be forgiving of yourself, we aren’t going to get it right all the time, it’s the striving to get it right that counts, also we can model our imperfect behaviour by saying to our teens in moments of struggles I know I didn’t get that right that time, I’m sorry and I’m going to try and do it differently next time.
Lisa Fowler MBACP
Counsellor/Psychotherapist at Room to Talk Counselling and Parenting Consultant at Connect Parenting Consultancy
