How to Impress

Based on recent experience:

The best way to impress someone (anyone) is to DJ in the car from their own music playing device/iPod/iPhone/CD collection. They will think your taste in music is the best and that you have fun variety playlist skills.

The best way to impress an older woman is to go down the street dragging a tire on a rope behind you while training for a “cross-country thing.” She’ll go into her local coffee shop talking about how the men are cute but not her age.

The best way to impress a girl is to 1. notice her eye color and 2. comment on it in a way like this, “I hope you don’t take this the wrong way but you might have the most unique eye color I’ve ever seen.”

The best way to impress a man is to start defining feminism. If he does not hear this or respond in a way you deemed appropriate walk away and try it on someone else — who needs to impress men anyway?

The best way to impress friends is to say the true things about yourself out loud. It sounds a hundred percent more impressive than it sounds after being turned over several times in your own head.

The best way to impress an employer is to do exactly what is asked of you in an efficient manner. In most jobs this is a sure-fire way to be appreciated and valued.

The best way to impress a person you are interested in in an attraction sort of way is to talk about your interest in the psychology of dog/human relationships. No one with a darkened soul is going to have a passion as amazing as that.

The best way to impress anyone with your kissing abilities is to look up how to kiss someone and execute. If that someone has a lip piercing, you should google: “how to kiss a person with a lip piercing.”

The best way to impress yourself is to clean the house, go to the gym, and shower, a slightly different order than on the Jersey Shore reality show but productive and very impressive all the same.