In 2015, I Had To Stop Being Sad About Being Single AF.
After I made it through a real-life New Year’s Eve adaption of the The Hangover 3 years ago, I vowed to never wake up so drunk in my ratchery on January 1st that I’d leave the city I partied in seeing baaarelyy, without a phone, a jacket and a clue about what had happened the night before again. The following year was full of fuckery and despite adversity being a part of my destiny and path, I half blame the mayhem on the way that I brought it in — taking shots of whiskey in a corner by myself while dozens of couples kissed around me until I blacked out (at least it felt like dozens).
On my next New Year’s Eve celebration in the states, after I moved to Asia for 10 months to escape the chaos of my tumultuous year, I brought in 2015 with my family. Fully turnt, in jubilee as the countdown neared I was frolicking around the living room swapping out glasses of champagne for plates of fried fish and black eyed peas with one hand and shaking small percussion instruments with the other. When midnight hit, we all sang, ate, drank and danced into the new year as we exclaimed affirmations over each other in the spirit of prosperity, black excellence, clarity, happiness and love.
Still, my feelings of apathy towards the lovers around me loomed over the year that I claimed would be different. I was still riding the waves of indifference, sadness and frustration about why I was always the most single person that I knew. As I pushed through my early twenties, people were asking me if I was dating, why I wasn’t and how that was possible because of my beauty and all the great things I had going for myself. I’d been in a bubble on the other side of the hemisphere for almost a year and although I’d gotten to know myself in ways unimaginable, I couldn’t overlook my insecurities about my non-existent love life no matter how my self-awareness had grown. I wanted to be vulnerable and I didn’t know how. I was loving myself so damn much and sometimes it felt like I was working overtime because I wasn’t going to sit around and wait for someone to love me either. I traveled to 2 new countries, completed my Masters Thesis, got my work published in major magazines that I’d always aspired to write for and even worked so hard in the gym that I crafted myself 2 visible abs. Still, after patting myself on the back after my small and large victories, I’d find myself wondering when I’d have someone to share my excitement with.
I don’t remember the exact day that it happened but my perspective started to shift because quite frankly I was sick of feeling shitty about not having a man. I was and am single AF for a reason. I started to see that despite my complexities and uniqueness that in some ways still intimidate men, it was up to me to stop sulking and open up to the possibility that an intimate and special connection with a significant other was something that could actually happen in my life. Somewhere along the way in my journey to womanhood I gathered that vulnerability would only bring disappointment and admitting that I wanted to connect with someone would paint me as weak. It was time to unlearn those habits of hiding. No matter how out of this world I’d always felt in a room full of people, I had to stop deflecting my doubts with my ability to be introspective and actually believe that my individuality could be appreciated, reciprocated and that I wasn’t just some hopeless unicorn who’d eternally run in whimsical pastures alone.
I’m still figuring out what it means to unpack all of these ideas that I’ve carried with myself throughout late adolescence into adulthood. There are days where I’ll slip back into negativity. But, I’m able to grab hold of myself when I’m reminded of one of my truest takeaways from 2015. It’s that the real magic happens when you finally reach a level of comfortability and confidence within that no person, relationship or circumstance can provide you with the remedies that only you have the ingredients to. I play a major part in my happiness and the things that I want in life deserve that same energy that I’ve used to build and nurture growth within myself. On my journey of welcoming love into my life, I’ve been able to recognize the power of honoring my womanhood with self-compassion, being mindful of an intentional with my stride, remaining transparent and not questioning that the things for me are for me.
Fear of actually receiving what I want will only stifle my glow, and starting in 2016 I’m all about the glow.
So, this next year you can catch me prancing, shooting my shot, choosing up, getting chose and emanating my cosmic shimmers everywhere I go.