New Year’s Resolution #1: Speak up more (and swear when I fucking feel like it)

Let me start by stating the obvious: The following is entirely coming from my brain and my voice. I am not saying all trans/nonbinary/non-cis individuals feel this way. I do notice a great many of us expressing in this vein, so I’ll throw my hat in the ring.

Spent a bit of time reading through the comments section (mistake?) on a post about being a trans ally. Two comment themes really stood out to me.

Why is it ok to offend cis people, but not those who are non-cis?

Ok, yes. I think we all need to work on understanding, communicating more, and offending less.

As a non-cis individual, when I see cis people getting "offended" about something like this, it’s sometimes because they’ve made a mistake (i.e., misgendering, deadnaming), and instead of taking the time to fix their behavior, they choose to get defensive and decide that trying harder is an inconvenience to them, because they’re uncomfortable and don’t know how to backpedal from their original misstep.

Another reason for "offense" I have experienced is because they weren’t raised to think outside a particular mindset when it comes to gender/sex/sexuality, and it overwhelms them to the point of confusion and, again, triggers a refusal to adapt. This is 2016. The world is changing. If you’re not helping that change, you’re holding it back.

Frankly, I don’t see lists of dozens of names of cis people who have killed themselves simply because they are tired of facing people hating their cis-ness, and are bullied, shamed, and made to feel less than human because they are cis.

And I know. I know the “But not all cis people” argument. No one is going around saying all cis people are evil, misgendering assholes who don’t accept those of us who are trans*/nonbinary/non-cis. We know they’re(you’re) not. It’s the same as the men who use the “Not all men,” plea or the white people who say, “Well not all white people…” We. Fucking. Know. That isn’t the point. It isn’t about trying to make blanket statements and accuse every cis person out there. The point is that ENOUGH people misgender and deadname and refuse to respect each one of us on a daily basis, and it’s simply not okay. Again, there are lists upon lists of names of trans* individuals I should not know; the only reason I know them is because they were beaten down and abused and murdered and died by their own hand because too many people can’t accept that being trans* is fucking beautiful, and gender lies on a very wide and subjective spectrum.

Personally, I think it’s less important to ask, "Why is offending cis people ok, but not offending non-cis people?" and more important to focus on, "Why does the mere existence and demand for equality of non-cis people seem to offend and make certain cis people uncomfortable?"

Pronouns take time, please don’t get mad when we’re(I’m) trying.

Thank you for trying. Really. Allies are vitally important. Thank you for being willing to put forth effort and be accepting. That’s part of being an ally, and yes, for some the adjustment is made more readily than it is for others.

But this is not about you.

This is not about how hard it must be for you to remember I am a they (or he is a he, e is an e, ze is a ze). Do you know how hard it is to constantly have to correct people who are ‘trying their best,’ but never actually get it right? Again, yes, I know there are wonderful people who accomplish and try and slip up from time to time, and I’m not going to be mad at anyone for accidentally using the wrong pronoun. But there are too many people who use the idea of “trying” as a shield to hide behind, when they have absolutely NO intention of actually being respectful.

My favorite analogy/metaphor about this is the following scenario:

You meet a person. This person has a dog. You look at how fluffy the dog is, how cute and sweet. You don’t check the dog’s genitals out in any great detail, because, well, that’s a little odd. Maybe you also have a dog, and your dog is a female. “Oh I just love your dog! She’s the cutest!” The person responds, “Actually he’s a boy.” Maybe you blush a little, feel slightly embarrassed and laugh nervously, “Oh crap! I’m so sorry.” And then from that point on you use male pronouns and remember that dog is a male. Because you make that two-second mental note and move on with your life.

And perhaps you don’t accidentally misgender the dog on first glance. Maybe you’re not sure, so you ask the dog’s owner if it’s a boy or a girl, and then you have your answer, and again, you move on with your life. It was always about the dog, and never about you. Your personal opinions on the dog’s gender were not attacked, you were not attacked, and you felt no need to inform the dog or its owner that the dog’s gender should be made more clear based on some arbitrarily decided standards for how a male dog must appear in order to be properly recognized.

Please note: I am not advocating that you go around asking people what their gender is. That is incredibly intrusive, and frankly, unnecessary. Gender is pretty much irrelevant in basic human interaction, because you should treat all humans as humans, which means with respect and grace. I do think it’s okay to ask about pronouns, especially if you don’t know the person (or even if you do know the person, and maybe you’ve known them for ages), and don’t know what pronouns are true for them. (Please also note, in my opinion, the idea of “preferred” pronouns is a micro-aggression, because it implies that you have a choice of what pronouns to use. Proper pronouns for everyone are not a choice. They are mandatory, and deliberately misusing someone’s pronouns is terribly degrading and rude, regardless of whether or not you like the person whose pronouns you are choosing to attack or ignore.)

To close, I love my allies. I love people. I have the greatest faith in humans and our ability to learn and grow and change, to love and respect and welcome. I cannot speak for my trans/nonbinary/non-cis siblings around the world, but I will always be okay with honest questions, and earnest seeking of truth and personal betterment. What I will not tolerate are those people (cis or otherwise) who decide that it’s more important to be safe in their comfort zone at the expense of someone else.