Midnight cravings for unstable emotions
It is not every day that you feel something is terribly wrong with your life and you have no idea what it is. It is not the fact that my day didn’t kick start on a wonderful note or that I might be subjected to the modern day license of a woman to say shit called the Premenstrual Stress, I just didn’t have one of those “good” days. But surprisingly, what’s worrying me is that I feel I have lost the patience and the energy to put in effort into anything anymore.
People around me have always thought, or who knows might still be thinking that I am always standing there with a board hanging down my neck saying, “Hey come, look at me, and I am a pushover!” Honestly, I don’t blame them. Whatever has happened in my life till date has only one person that has to be blamed and that’s me. I let people use me. I shut myself down and stopped expressing myself. I stopped believing in love, relationship, friendship and any sort of other attachment that we may have in this life.
Today, I put myself in a situation where I reacted to one of my friends in a horrible way. (She deserved it anyway, but that’s not the point.) The point is I think I am in a state of denial. I feel like there’s nothing wrong with me. If anything is to be wrong, it has to be the world or other people in it. I stopped talking about my problems hoping that it would go away if I denied it. I pushed the entire possibility of maybe sharing my life with someone someday far away. I distanced myself from my close friends making them believe I tell them everything when honestly I am busy burying all those conversations underneath. I stopped taking advice from myself when it came to life decisions. All of these things came to my mind as I thought about today. Being heartless was never me. But lately, I feel like I have stopped caring about a lot of things in my life. I feel like a lot of things have become fake, or rather unreal around me over time. Maybe its just that I am noticing it now, but people around me have changed, friends, family, acquaintances, everyone.
I want to go back in time when things were much simpler. Maybe I could have been that good old girl who loved to talk as well as to listen, smile as well as yell, violent as well as peaceful, subtle as well as sarcastic. But who am I kidding? I guess I am not that person anymore. I am done with people asking me to do this and that. I am done with people twisting my conversations and making me feel like I want something I never wanted. I am done with people trying to put words in my mouth and change my personality into something they like. I am just done. A few months ago I would have given it a shot, but this time I think I am done for real.
So screw you if you think that I have a soft personality. Screw you if you think I am a pushover. Screw you if you think I give the best advice. Screw you if you think I can’t control my emotions. Screw you if you think crying for a silly movie is lame. Screw you if you are trying to get to know me. Screw you if you think I care. Screw you if you think I need to be kept under supervision. Screw you if you think I need to go for therapy. Screw you if you think I need to open up. Screw you if you wish I was like how I was when you met me. Screw you if you think I can’t shout. Screw you if you think I need to get laid. Screw you if you think I am dodging your calls on purpose. Screw you if you think I should stop writing. Screw you if you think I should keep writing. Screw you for everything. And if you feel you still have no idea what I am talking about, well, screw that thought too.
