On Young Square Pegs, For Adult Round Holes

As we age we learn what works and what doesn’t. We develop a framework of seeing the world. If we see a kid not fitting that framework we often determine, rightly, that that kid must change or suffer consequences.

But what if that element we see in that kid that doesn’t fit into our tested, proven framework is the very thing that’ll help the kid change the world for better? Too dramatic a style in speaking? What if he becomes someone who articulates the problems of the world in a way that touches hardened hearts? Too bold in acting? What if he needs it to get a group of people to act when acting comes with legitimate reasons for fear that paralyzes them?

Forcing kids to fit our framework, however tested and proven, is dangerous. It can limit them in ways we can’t foresee.

But letting them be comes with even greater danger. Every human being must improve her ability in many, many common areas, common to all no matter whom — diligence, hard work, resourcefulness, kindness, empathy, fast and deep reading, math skills that improve our problem-solving skills, and on and on.

What is the solution? Look carefully within ourselves, into that framework we have developed. Then look carefully at that kid’s uniqueness that we think doesn’t fit into the framework. Get rid of all that is us — all subjective — and leave only the objective. Imagine what’s possible with that kid’s uniqueness. If you can’t imagine it, ask whether that uniqueness is really bad and why. This is simple but very hard to do right for most people, as we all have our biases we don’t even know we have or don’t want to confront. Then if it isn’t bad, leave the kid be with that uniqueness. Don’t saw the edges off. Instead, provide them with complementary skills and knowledge. Too bold in acting? Help him develop wisdom to know when to act and when not to act. Too honest (e.g. “Yes, you are fat.”)? Help her learn how to communicate tactfully and still 100% honestly. Things kids hear can shape them permanently. Let them have a chance to do what they want with their uniqueness (not irrefutably bad parts like rudeness, laziness, etc.)