Why You’re Discarded

To those finding themselves amidst the agony. It’s raw and real but we’re here together. The real answer — you’re irrelevant to this person right now. There is no other explanation. And, my God, does it sting. It’s the closest to a living hell you may ever experience. The sooner you forge your way through accepting your irrelevance AND accepting your place in the abuse, the better. You simply can’t understand their cruelty, so stop trying to. You are morally inclined and guided by your conscience — while this person suffers from a lack of consciousness and a severe moral deficiency. Will you have empathy towards them? It’s your choice.

I write this from a space of pure love for another human. A real place. While I’m not aloof to having felt anger and animosity before, I’m not there anymore. And I can draw from a more positive space, a space from which I established my love for her in the first place. She’s a woman whom I alone know at a depth most people only dream of. A stalwart example of the finest sweetness and qualities one can possess on this earth. And in a truly saddening contrast, a painfully staunch plethora of the cruelest qualities I have ever known.

Undoubtedly, you are filled with animosity and anger toward this person. That’s okay. You don’t need to be where I am. Especially because the odds are incredibly high that the person you love has discarded you and immediately moved into another relationship — either former or new. You were discarded at the exact time you were because their next supply was already lined up.

The anger and animosity you feel may pass, and it may not. You’ve found yourself being morally compromised over and over. Saying things you’ve otherwise never felt. Losing your patience. At times being mean. And distancing yourself from them emotionally simply to protect your last shred of integrity and self-worth. It either has been, or will be, used against you. Because they cannot understand the way you feel, nor face the reality that their mistreatment of you requires substantial effort on their part to repair.

They’re even more fragile emotionally than you are — and you cannot rely on them to repair the wounds they caused. They may try for a fleeting moment but they cannot understand the process of healing you’re going through. And every little cut that’s reopened by them will be a fresh memory to you, and they will not understand the bleeding that follows. Your pain and struggle to heal will not be met with love and an increased effort on their part — it will be interpreted as your character flaws or your lack of love for them. BE PATIENT with them.

The most devastating reality they simply can’t understand is this: every ounce of sadness, holding your ground, animosity, anger, disappointment, withdrawal, and calling them out on their lies consistently — is one of the more true signs of the love you possess for them. You’re devoted to healing the wounds they caused you, and beg of them to help you do so over and over. You’re also devoted to healing any wounds you’ve caused them. Because you see their internal beauty, desire it above all else, and want nothing more than to give of your own internal beauty to them unequivocally. Accept that no matter much you want to give of yourself to them, you’ll barely move the needle.

You are loyal to them in every facet of life, and it’s not loyalty to a fault. You don’t have moments of weakness with loyalty, you don’t seek out other people to mask the hurt, you don’t confide in strangers sexually, you understand that the answers are within the two of you, and the two of you alone. Because they are unable to reciprocate this loyalty, they cannot understand it and they will constantly doubt you. Don’t fret. Hold your ground. Your loyalty to them is real. And quite honestly, it’s a beautiful tragedy.

The Feeling

When you’re first discarded you don’t understand what’s happening. You’re dazed, confused, and relentlessly pursuing the one you love — the very person who’s discarded you. It’s a feeling that can’t be described in any other way than nonsensical. And it leaves you reeling with shock and pain. Relief ONLY presents itself when this person returns to you — whether it be days, weeks, months, or years later.

You don’t realize your irrelevance to them after the first discard. You’re under the assumption that this wonderful human in front of you was suffering and had a momentary lapse of judgment.

• They’ll apologize in some form.
• They may have seemingly logical reasons for their misstep.
• They will promise you they’ve learned their lesson and will never repeat what’s happened.
• They may even use your goodness as the reason they discarded you, saying you’re “too good to be true.”
• You may even be the scapegoat and be blamed.

You’re so enthralled by the cathartic feeling of having them back that the actual reality of your irrelevance to them doesn’t take form… yet. You forgive and celebrate their return with incalculable love.

The Relentless Reality

You’ve been discarded again. Maybe the second discard happens when you’re most vulnerable: you just recovered from the first discard, the holidays are near or have just passed, you’ve lost your job, you’re down on your luck, you have health concerns, you’ve asked for their support for any number of reasons, etc.

Again, you’re feeling dazed, confused, and you’re relentlessly pursuing the one you love — the very person who’s discarded you. And you’ll do damn near anything to hold them, to hear their voice, to take away whatever demons they’re hiding that lead them to discard you again. You’ve almost entirely forgotten about the vulnerability you were facing before this latest act of cruelty.

Their reason for the second discard — is you. At least in their reality. Something you did/didn’t do caused them to feel a certain way, conjured up feelings of missing someone else, required too much of them, and ultimately led to their disregard of you.

You vow to be better for them. You hear their concerns, their apology, and make a pact to love them exactly as they want/need to be loved. It’s a new euphoria meeting their needs and feeling like you understand them better. Hell, you even love them more deeply than you did before. You allow yourself to transcend selfishness and develop selflessness.

You’re now even farther away from the relentless reality that you are irrelevant to this person.

Gasping For Air — The Unyielding Truth

The moments in which breathing is no longer an automatic process. You’ve been discarded again. And again. And again. The timing, the reasons, the justifications — they no longer add up. You struggle to breathe as you recognize this discard habit is their coping mechanism. And it’s not unique to you. It’s happened hundreds of times before you were ever in the picture.

Brief moments of clarity occur when you understand that YOU, in fact, are not the source and/or cause of the discarding. Now your inability to breathe goes from a temporary state to a permanent repetition — you are irrelevant to them. And it’s no longer debatable.

It would be infinitely softer on the heart if, in fact, you and your unique love for each other were the cause of the discarding. If the discarding was a result of challenges unique to you and your relationship. At the very least, that would mean you are of relevance to them. But, you’re not.

The truth is — you’ve been discarded no differently than the hundreds of times it’s happened before to others in their past. They may have expressed genuine emotion in being sorry at times, and they may have legitimately used your occasional struggles with not being your best self as fuel for their fire. The reasons are innumerable — the discard is the same.

If you were relevant to them, you would not be discarded. And at the very least, if you were relevant to them, you’d know of their empathy during the trauma. But you only know the justifications.

Fire Within The Ashes

I can’t speak for anyone but myself. I know that I am irrelevant to her. The evidence is damning no matter how you look at it. There are years of wounds associated with this irrelevance, there is pain, there are memories, there is a bit of unresolved anger, and there are ashes of disappointment. But there is also this unceasing love that cannot be denied.

Somewhere, among the ashes, there is a small fire in her and in each of us no matter how much hurt we cause. And this fire can be flamed to enormous heights. Progress is always possible — don’t let the Google machine narcissist victim stories become the sole story you tell yourself. Have you been victimized? THAT’S A RESOUNDING YES. But it doesn’t always have to be the finality of the situation.

I believe in healing. I believe in progress. I believe in love. I believe the irrelevant can become relevant. People can learn. People can heal themselves and see things more clearly. Reconciliation is both entirely plausible and entirely impossible. Your situation is yours. I believe in the realness of what love can mend — especially when we dedicate ourselves to loving and repairing those whom we’ve hurt. And lastly, all of the above is entirely possible with someone else- yourself. The rest will follow.