In celebration of the death of my adolescence as well as being on the edge of 17, when the path of adulthood has practically arrived at my door, may i introduce to you my most dramatic writing (yet). Now, listen, i can’t and i will not pin point the last time since i’ve felt this way but hey, it’s almost my birthday now and really, i can’t just wait to shock you all with some of the most tiring and annoying, and perhaps possibly most confusing rants ever over the last 12 months of 2017. Haha.
There’s no persuasion stronger than sorrow.
In one’s most vulnerable yet so reclusive stage of mind, man is most compromising to commit chaotic, unexpected and dangerous acts; regardless of his virtue and excellence. It’s something we had always known from various philosophies, tragic downfalls from the past
Even the most rational and righteous one, with their high and cold ideas of perfection, could never have foreseen the destruction of egos.
Do you ever feel the growing presence of this vacant space that has been piling under layers of skin during the last month of 2017? A void that think; a series of prolonged thoughts that are now void of meanings. Do you ever act in ways that you do not understand then immediately regret? Do you feel like there is a great abyss of meaning in your very core that will never be filled, and yet you cannot help but yearning to feel it, to grasp and control it?
This has being going on quite a while since the beginning of December and the previous few weeks for me; and it’s starting to get worse during these last few days, especially when my birthday is going to arrive soon and this year finally coming to an end.
It is probably just seasonal depression, really. Yet, I cannot gains complete control or influence over my own thoughts and my own feelings sometimes. And like the weather of Hanoi, often do my moods and behaviours become capricious and unreasonably gloomy during the day. I tried to put myself back together but that didn’t really work and before I realise, I ended up exploring people to deal with self loathing as toxic coping methods.
I’ve been down this path before and I know just exactly where it leads. Beyond harming myself, I have also harmed others around me, and the guilt that results from this is terribly unbearable. I put on a show, a fake personality to deal with my issues but this has turned me into a person very far from who I actually am. And along the way I lost while trying to hide myself, and that last ditch attempts have complicated my problems even more.
Again and again, I frustrate at my own desires and goals; neglects on my affairs and procrastinates; obstructs my own efforts, provokes others to punish, demote, or actively seeks and solicits disappointment, failure, or mistreatment, incites anger or rejection, rejects opportunities. I am still tormented by my own sadistic ego. Still those negative thoughts, criticisms, angry and disappointed voices. My sense of self-worth, along these lines, constantly shifts from an absolute view of myself to utter despair and self-denigration.
Lol fuck nevermind I’m too tired to continue this rant.