Why do spouses always argue?
Do fights always happen for the same reason? Is it jealousy, frustration, boredom, or hatred? Everyone’s life story is different, but is the cause of everyone’s fights the same?
Why do lovers or spouses argue and argue, constantly arguing about what they are arguing about?
Are there times when you think you have resolved a dispute but still experience negative emotions after it?
Is it normal to fight in a marriage?
How to resolve disputes between spouses?
What should married couples do when they are constantly fighting? Is it normal to love and fight a lot?
What is the purpose of a spouse who is constantly fighting?
What is the purpose of a woman who is constantly fighting?
What do people who fight and get married do?
Read more to find the answers to these questions. Stopping arguments is one of the most common desires of couples. But we must understand why we are arguing before we stop arguing. We often argue in our relationships because of our relationship dissatisfaction. Most of the time, because our partner doesn’t feel valued or adequate, talking about them hurts us a lot, so we fight for the little things instead.
What is the meaning of a wife who fights all the time?
The main reason is that the man feels or feels inadequate in his relationship. What is the point of a woman who fights all the time?
The main reason is that the woman feels worthless and unimportant in her relationship. When you try to solve a problem with your partner in a rational way, you usually do two things:
First:
You try to refute your partner’s ideas by presenting as many arguments as possible to refute his/her opinion.
Second: First, the discussion
When your arguments backfire or you are unable to convince the other side, you start blaming your wife. spouses focus on what the other is saying rather than what the other is saying. When trying to refute the other’s arguments, they focus more on their own weak and inadequate arguments than on the strong ones… Even after the debate is over, he/she does more research to strengthen those ideas and arguments and to strengthen his/her own ideas. You come back looking weak and powerless… After all, you wasted energy in a debate where no one listened to anyone else. In this process, each partner evaluates the correctness of his or her own thoughts and ideas, his or her own self-esteem, his or her own cancellation. it is also seen as a direct attack on himself or herself because he or she equates it with his or her own worth. This is why partners stubbornly believe that their point of view and ideas are the only right way. At this point our problems become intractable. As these situations become more frequent, each time you find yourself at a dead end and begin to realize that you are experiencing more negative emotions, becoming more and more irritable and more and more distant from your partner.
What is the meaning of a wife who fights all the time? The main reason is that the man feels or feels inadequate in his relationship. What is the point of a woman who fights all the time?
A marriage counselor or marriage therapist reorganizes the communication process to turn these negative cycles into positive ones and empowers the partner to overcome these very vicious cycles. The marriage therapist does not try to change your ideas, but rather supports you in defending your ideas, improves your ability to understand or empathize with the other person, and prevents them from experiencing mutual rejection. Based on the experience of a couple’s therapist, she gives some suggestions for couples to eliminate recurring conflicts without damaging each other’s self-esteem:
First, each partner should explore their vulnerable and defenseless sides.
You should prioritize shared memories of our past hurts and disappointments. Be honest about how your past has hurt you and affected you without blaming the other person. If your negative feelings don’t go away and you can’t forgive, even if you open up about those feelings, if you feel like you’re living them in your mind all the time, you may have unfinished business that you can’t finish.
Work it out with your family. In the first stage of the subconscious. This is why conflicts with your partner can be very difficult for you. Bringing them out into the open through relational therapy is very helpful in reducing experiential conflicts and feeling emotional comfort. For example, you may not feel comfortable with your partner’s behavior. But if you had insecurity issues with your parents, it means that you will find it difficult to deal with your partner’s insecure behavior. Resolving these past issues is almost certain to benefit today’s attempts at conflict resolution. Unfinished business from the past certainly affects our daily relationships. Whatever is buried undead will surely rise from the dead one day. The reason why negative emotions or past events want to resurface is because you and your partner have never done enough to deal with them.
Behind “pain” there can be anger.
If you have been hurt in the past but nobody understands your pain, it doesn’t mean that the pain is gone today. The feeling of pain is important because it is always behind the feeling of anger. This can lead to conflicts and violent reactions. The important point here is that if the intensity of your emotions is not proportional to the event, the negative emotions you are experiencing now may have their roots in the past.
Therefore, you should consider whether the emotions that follow each of your memories are related to your current emotions: If you had a relationship with your parents in the past; Abandoned or neglected Constantly falsely accused or wronged Victim, Unimportant or worthless Weak or powerless Humiliated or dishonored Perhaps you felt loved. If you feel these feelings very strongly about events with your spouse or partner… Focus on where you have experienced these feelings in the past… If you are taking on the burden of the relationship again today without reducing the emotional burden from the past.
Recognize negative cycles in your relationship.
In couples therapy, it is common for one partner to often want more emotional closeness and presence from the other, but not know how to really ask for it. They may feel lonely, wonder if their partner is really their umgtv ruri, or worry about whether they are a priority in their life. If they express their unmet needs and dissatisfaction with their relationship in a critical or accusatory way instead of expressing it as sadness or need, the other person immediately becomes defensive.
They may even try to avoid talking about the relationship and say or do things to avoid conflict by keeping their true thoughts and feelings to themselves. So when one partner avoids criticism, the other feels worthless and insignificant, so they start talking more and the vicious cycle continues, distancing themselves from the partner. Both partners get stuck in a negative cycle, and the way they each deal with their negative feelings makes their situation worse. So both partners feel stuck and powerless. Notice here that trying to solve one partner’s problems only creates more problems. Obviously, there are many variations on this basic pattern and it is important to understand exactly which cycle is developing in your relationship.
Identifying and breaking this cycle is best addressed with the help of a marriage therapist. By helping you understand your cycles and how you are stuck in them, a marriage therapist and marriage counselor can help you break free from the same old arguments and conflicts. When couples realize that their arguments are actually rooted in the way each of them is meeting and managing their own emotional needs, they should take steps to change these relationship cycles. By exploring the anger and avoidance they show each other and getting more in touch with their vulnerable and sensitive emotions, couples can begin to talk more openly about their needs and fears. For example, in a marriage therapy session, I encountered an example where a man who often berated his wife for “not taking care of herself” when she was ill, hurt her even more. In subsequent sessions, when the female client looked at the real emotion behind her husband’s anger, she realized that he had a “fear of losing himself”.
But since this emotion would make him feel very vulnerable and helpless, she realized that he was projecting his anger onto his partner. Thus, a husband who had previously been criticized and felt bad about himself begins to see in his partner’s anger a sign of how important this is to him and how close she wants to be with him. In this way, the relationship therapy process helps couples to enter a new cycle. This leads to increased marital satisfaction and fewer arguments.
Why do spouses fight all the time?
It is very difficult for couples to stop negative communication cycles on their own. The specific reason for this is that couples usually know each other’s red lines well enough to start a new cycle. If one partner steps on the other’s wound, the partner who stepped on the wound will step on the other’s wound in the same way, and so the cycle continues. Therefore, each partner may feel equally uncomfortable or justified, and so whenever a problem arises, they start arguing or blaming each other. But they make no progress in understanding each other. A couple therapist can help couples break out of the cycle of blaming each other and see how they are both caught in a vicious cycle. A couple therapist creates an environment where each partner can try new ways of communicating and new ways of communicating that bring new experiences to each other and help influence their communication.
Stop criticizing…
Unfortunately, when one person becomes critical or “exclusionary”, the other person feels attacked and controlled and is often forced to respond by criticizing themselves or withdrawing emotionally. In this way, couples often enter a negative cycle in which they criticize each other, ignore each other and feel important. Over time, these negative cycles can push both partners further apart or turn into a situation where one partner is always expressing dissatisfaction and the other is always trying to mitigate or avoid the conflict.
Why does it take so long for you to be right?
The feeling of winning every argument, the need to be right in everything and to rise above is a sign of insufficient emotional maturity. If you really care about your partner, you don’t want them to feel insecure, humiliated, degraded or manipulated. You should discuss with your partner why you need to validate their opinions whenever possible. If you and your partner are constantly experiencing this need, you have a deeper problem in the relationship. In such cases, you should not hesitate to see a marriage counselor or therapist. When both people decide to solve the problem courageously, they start communicating in a calm and neutral tone, openly expressing their feelings about the events without putting their emotions into words. Sometimes even stepping back and letting go of the struggle until the original problem is forgotten can improve relationships. Even if you are very sure that you are right, it is worth considering whether it is worth making the most important person in your life feel bad or stupid because they are now sure.
Express your feelings and thoughts calmly without hiding them.
Not talking to your partner when you are angry or frustrated is a form of communication that never works. However, many people use this strategy. This creates resentment between you and your partner and can lead to a new topic of conversation. Despite advancing technology, we humans are still unable to read each other’s minds. Therefore, it would be pointless to expect someone else to understand what we are feeling and thinking without communicating. When we do so, we create confusion, punishment and even anger in the other person. To resolve a conflict you need to have some trust in the other person. If you can honestly express what is bothering you (without adding emotional intensity), your partner is likely to listen to you. But most partners worry that the other party is hiding it. You can set some rules for a healthy interaction and conversation with your partner: For example, there should be no silent communication, we should not read each other’s minds, we should listen to each other without judgment, as if getting angry is not the solution. If you have trust issues with your spouse or partner, you should definitely seek marriage therapy services. Because trust requires outside intervention.
Choose your words carefully
Words start with thought and then become behavior. In the long run they become habits and become our character. For example, if the words you constantly use towards your partner are laced with vile and derogatory remarks and low-level phrases like boss me around because of who you are, you are creating your own character with these words that you will use over time, not your partner’s. Choose your words carefully and always stop to catch your breath in the middle of a conversation. Stabbing words like arrows into someone else’s heart not only reduces the chances of the relationship developing, but also makes your own life unbearable and anxious. Choosing your words with love and respect is actually the first step in building a relationship on a solid foundation.
You will find that you will hear kinder words in return. Remember, there is no other emotion that arouses love as quickly as respect or repels love and intimacy as quickly as hate. You will find positive and negative examples of how two spouses resolve conflict situations. Example: Aisha hears her husband saying negative things about her. Example of a negative conflict resolution method Aisha: What kind of person are you, you always do it, you always gossip, you always talk behind my back with your family. Ali: You are such a gossip, what have you done to me? In the negative conflict resolution method, people express their feelings to each other with negative words and accusatory sentences and as a result, their differences are not resolved with this method. With this method, Ayşe does not tell her husband why she is hurt, she only blames him. More and more people feel misunderstood by such accusatory statements and their tension and anger increases. Therefore, their differences cannot be resolved because they do not understand each other.
Example of a positive conflict resolution method Ayse: I want to talk to you about something, can you give me some time? Ali: Sure, can we talk? Ayşe: We have been together for a long time and I love you very much, you are very valuable to me. You were there for me when I had a problem. But I heard you telling your family behind my back that I was too expensive, it hurt me a lot. Ali: I was very upset when we had an argument and I wanted someone to comfort you. I didn’t want to bother you, I love you too. Ayşe: But I was very upset when I heard you talking behind my back, I was very upset. Ali: I’m sorry, next time I won’t talk behind your back. Ayşe: What if you came and shared with me when you upset me? Ali: Actually, you’re right, talking to you makes me feel better and that way we can solve the problem. AYŞE: I am very happy that we found a common solution, thank you for listening to me. Ali: Thank you too. In positive conflict resolution, people give each other the message that they want to talk and are ready to resolve differences. This makes it easier to find solutions, to make positive sentences, especially when disagreements start to talk.
Also, with the example of positive conflict resolution, people can focus on finding solutions as they can hurt each other, express their feelings positively and most importantly listen to each other. In this way, they feel reassured that both wants and needs are taken into account and a common solution is found.
Slow down
One of the strategies often emphasized in marriage therapy is to slow down. When you feel angry during a conflict, it is very difficult to pay attention and follow what your partner is saying. Because in a conversation, the parties start thinking very quickly and their emotional intensity is very high. Slow down the process so that you can listen carefully to what your partner is saying without reacting too quickly.
Take some time to think before responding. Try to delay what you say. John Gottman notes that about two-thirds of the problems couples discuss are not resolved. One topic of conversation awakens and triggers another topic of conversation, after a while the conversation becomes the core of the relationship. The relationship becomes a form of communication that consists of discussions. Even this simple strategy of postponing conversations and limiting them to certain times of the day and night can completely transform your relationship and to some extent reduce the growing tension between you.
Leave the past in the past
Constantly thinking about negative events in the past will divert your energy and prevent you from focusing on what you need to focus on at that moment. Focusing on who won the battle in a relationship is childish and pointless. To forgive is to stop hoping for a better past, but forgiveness is the first and most important step to hope for the future. You should focus on this moment, on how your relationship is now. You must let go of the battles and conflicts of the past. This is the most important way to move your relationship forward.
Don’t prolong arguments and fights.
After an argument with your partner, regardless of the seriousness of the argument, take care to quickly repair, mend and improve your relationship. If you have hurt, upset or offended your partner, a sincere and heartfelt apology can change things between you. For example, you had a fight with your partner in the evening and slept in different beds because you could not solve the problem. Your first and most important task in the morning is to sit down and talk to your spouse. Don’t try to force your partner just because you are angry with each other. The best step is to try to resolve the tension between you quickly so that you don’t have to worry that the whole day is going badly and constantly wonder what is going on with your partner. Healthy couples tend to resolve their problems and conflicts quickly. The more you can forgive each other, the easier it is to forgive each other’s faults and mistakes each time. Remember that food loses its flavor when it gets cold. In a relationship. If despite all your efforts you cannot forgive, seeing a marriage therapist is also a solution.
Take care of yourself.
If you don’t respect yourself, no one else will either. However, if you don’t take care of yourself, you cannot take care of the relationship. Quality living, quality sleep, exercise, taking care of physical care, taking time for yourself, investing in your talents and skills: All physical and mental investments in yourself increase your self-esteem and respect for your partner. Taking time for yourself and respecting yourself is an important start for your relationship. A spouse who constantly abuses his/her partner but does not give up is making a sick marriage worse by perpetuating a personality that lacks self-esteem and confidence.
Do you need a marriage counselor?
Do you need a marriage counselor?
