52, Fired, and the collapse of a house of cards.
“Our world seems hellbent on falling in on itself, crushing us with it, storming forward and our doom is imminent.” The morning light drives the dream out of my mind and expose the remains of my bruised Ego.
I digress, 2020 arrived bright and filled with promise. Our family holiday drawing to a close, while we prepared for a year filled with ambitious plans. Christiaan on his way to start his dream job and the other boys ready for their studies. My wife and I were happy and laughing like we did 28 years ago.
I returned to the office, where life brimmed with excitement. An ambitious takeover bid succeeded, doubling our turnover and tripling our staff. Talk about a start-up making waves. The future, pregnant with possibilities and plans to conquer the world. Plans to change the industry, making a real difference in our client’s lives.
I remember the clanky sound of the email notification. It’s contents explosive and reading it a hammer blow to my gut. All efforts to investigate and resolve the issue was in vain. Our business partner made an about turn and on a fine Friday morning of February, the first hit of 2020 arrive. I am blamed for the mess and the company that I nurtured from birth, kicks me in the teeth. Despair flood through my body and the taste of bile appear in the back of my throat.
Early in March we wake up to our middle son, sitting on our bed looking forlorn, sad and utterly tired.
“I do not see the point of living, I tried to commit suicide last night.”
All feeling drains out of my soul, this happened across the hall from us and we had no idea. We hug him and we all start bawling our eyes out, disbelief washing over our small huddle. The son who glues our family together. Who at the age of 7 decided to win a gold medal at the Tokyo Olympics. who competed for 8 years before he won his first race in local competitions. Who a year later qualified for the Youth Olympics and who ranked third in Africa.
He slumped into us, a broken man, body and mind shattered by sport and disappointment. In the midst of his sobs cutting through my body, the mental anguish of my job loss loose its hold over me. I find myself praying to wisdom and strength, asking them to wrap him in their arms.
“I got up last night and with the knife against my wrists, the only thought that stopped me, was how this would hurt you.”
The chill in my soul changes into ice, Sandra sobs silently next to me. In that moment we lock eyes and I look into the fear and despair that mirror my own. How did we get to this? How is it possible for this strong young man to crack apart? What did we do wrong? Why? Unanswered questions flying between us.
A week later we prepare for our road trip to celebrate our youngest’s 21st birthday. We told Lushano that we are leaving the next day. The alarm clock sounds its siren call and we start to pack the car, Lushano refuse to move from his bed and room. What follows can only be mentioned in monowords, crying, fighting, threats and hitting of walls before he gets in the car. The next 8 hours of that drive consisted of him lying prone in the backseat and us crying in silence. The three day trip was the saddest and longest travel we ever had, us doubting our entire parental journey.
The birthday party was an intimate function with Juan’s friends all great people, restoring our bruised faith a little bit. Seeing Juan interact and move between his friends a pleasure and a joy. If you become the total of the five people you surround yourself with, his choice of friends are pointing towards him becoming a great man. The day went by too fast, a beacon of light in a dark period, tinged with regret, since Lushano refused to join in the day. The party concluded late afternoon and on the way home we decide to take charge of Lushano’s health.
We sat down with him and told him that he needs urgent help and we are not equipped to help him. He looks at us and says that he agrees and he is willing to investigate the options. At this stage Corona virus and Lockdown were becoming a daily news mantra. This forced us to apply ourselves to find a place and people who can help him.
The Ocean Wild popped up on a internet search, about 5 hours away, three months treatment that focus on bringing your inner hero to the surface. They had an opening and we decided to enroll him and he agreed to commit to the treatment. At this stage the Corona pandemic started to bite and we had to make a difficult choice, since a 3 week Lockdown became a reality. Juan decided to stay in his flat and we left. Lushano entered the program and 2 days later the Lockdown in South Africa started. We were “stuck” on a farm in a beautiful part of South Africa.
We moved into a minute cottage and minimalism became our existence. A daily sequence emerged, we meditated, we laughed and walked in nature, myself naked most of the day — liberating and a small metaphor of me shedding the corporate world. I discovered how deep the hooks were in me and it was, at best, a stop-start affair. I realized that the drugs of attention and adulation, “normal” in this world was a powerful support to the Ego. I also discovered that my time in the corporate world warped my sense of worth around my title and to be honest, incessant meetings. I realised that I needed to shed this Ego and find me again.
Ego came at me with everything and in a sense I was experiencing the same symptoms as my son. Our generation, especially men, were never taught to express, feel and acknowledge feelings. Hiding and ignoring, yes please do that, but do not talk about feelings. Sandra asked me to join her in meditation and I agreed, then one day the narrator seemingly spoke to me in person.
“I invite you to forgive yourself for all the injustices where you feel other people have wronged you.”
The question played in my mind and realisation dawned as I looked back over my past and the events of February. I identified each perceived injustice like it happened yesterday, the feelings associated in each and the thread that followed me around from that day forward. Life is a procession of moments, at once fleeting and eternal, the memory of each moment is what makes it eternal. I felt how the negative memories of these moments had gripped me in a bear hug since they happened.
It is late afternoon and I am walking down to the stream after a day of rain, the wet grass glistening in the evening sunshine. My bare feet feeling the soft earth and birds singing a thankful melody. I felt my voice gathering itself and the words when they spilled over my lips surprised me.
“I forgive myself for all the injustices real or imagined!”
A wave of relief gathered around my shoulders and for the first time in years I felt my smile reaching my heart. The walk to the stream became a daily ritual and the rest of the Lockdown was a breeze.
Christiaan called us the next day to tell us that they company had placed him on furlow and he suspected that he will be laid off. The relief in my heart was almost too much, why relief, you may ask. Lockdown allowed me to resolve my mental hooks and made me capable of helping Christiaan to keep this setback in perspective. In that moment 2020 became a friend and trusted confidante, shedding the cloak of fiend. We discussed his options and had a long conversation about the future.
Juan then called to say that he is starting to have conversations with his curtains and he is going to visit his friend. Lockdown extended into another two weeks and we decided to go and collect him so that he can write his exams, the university having moved classes online. We entered our second month in South Africa, Lushano made no attempt to contact us and we had to trust the process. The peace that descended over my heart allowed me to believe that his healing will be complete.
Juan studied daily and in the evenings we would lie in bed watching movies or talking, getting the know the young man from the boy we raised. A further thank you to 2020, for giving us this time and opportunity to meet him afresh. The exams came at regular intervals over the next month and kept him and us busy. We having to keep ourselves busy and away from the cottage. A challenge since restaurants are closed, Police arrested you if you were out and not busy with shopping for essential goods.
One morning a picture of a sunrise popped up on our family Whatsapp group.
It was from Lushano! He did not say anything but the picture captured in my mind at least, his rebirth. Joy and prayer erupted from my soul and I turned to Sandra and showed her the picture, we hugged, laughed and cried. The rest of the day was glowing with hope and possibilities. The next morning he sent another picture and so it continued. His first words on the group was “watch this movie, I AM”, we immediately watched it and it showed us our son is reborn. We picked him up at the end of the three months, the shining light in his eyes proving his rebirth, the hug between us was a new beginning. An opportunity to start afresh and form a new friendship.
Our trip back home started two weeks ago. I am sitting here in Noordoewer, the 14th day of Government enforced quarantine while we wait for our Covid-19 test result to arrive. 2020 arrived like a runaway train, ripping apart the fragile house of cards I constructed over the years. I am filled with joy and happiness, because the real reason for life are now a daily part of our family. We appreciate each other, we laugh everyday, we love everyday and this in a time where we have no idea what we are going to do to earn a living. The view over the mountains reinforces the knowledge that you should build your house with memory filled moments and this house will never be broken apart.
