Teta Forgets while I Remember

I rarely visit you nowadays, and I think you know why. When I do, I stare at you with my mouth closed. I just sit there and watch you. You stare at the ceiling for hours all day long, both eyes and mouth open. You are not moving. You are just lying there, I am not lying, that is the truth and you know it. I look at you, but you don’t look back. I talk to you but you don’t reply. You are just there. You don’t move your hands even to eat. I feel like you no longer want to do anything. I promised I would visit you more often, but I couldn’t keep my promise, you know why. I feel that you just gave up. I thought you should know, this will probably be my last visit. I heard you will leave us soon. This time, we will have to clarify few things before you go. At least I wish to have a heart to heart conversation. We owe each other this much.

I have come to the conclusion that your decision to go and leave me, leave us all behind was premeditated. It seems clear to me now that you wanted to forget about us a long time ago. You even started to erase all those memories that connect us together years before. You wanted to detach yourself from us and construct a world not inhabited by us anymore. Another world where we don’t exist. I am trying to imagine how your new life would be without us. I am not sure you know that, but life without you has been hard enough for a lot of us now. And yet you are insisting we part. I am in need for answers. I just want you to talk to me, like the good old days. I can’t seem to understand why you cut off communication in such a sudden way. Just talk to me, please. Just talk to me. Make me comprehend what happened throughout all these years. You shut yourself off from the rest of us in such a bizarre manner. I want to think that you have gone through a lot of hardships in order for you to take such drastic measures. I want to be right. That is why you probably had to remove all the traces of those memories and feelings from your mind. You wished to destroy and wipe them out completely.

It may seem to you that I am admonishing you for such an act. You are probably right. I am. You were never like that. I wouldn’t have imagined you would ever do such a thing. Nevertheless you did. I will keep reproaching you until everything is made clear. You told me once how love is the greatest power. If you still believe so, you should not be offended by my reaction. I am staring at you right now. I am actually standing right above you. I am so close to your face. It is so white and clear. I want to feel your breath on my skin. Your hair is soft. I want to caress it. Your hands are as beautiful as I have always seen them. I want to squeeze them. No. I will not touch you. I am afraid that you won’t feel anything. I am afraid that you won’t react. I am afraid that I am asking too much from you. You obviously don’t want to give me anything in return anymore.

“Teta*, I miss you.

I miss you, Teta.”

I want to tell you the story of how you stopped telling me stories. The story of how we became complete strangers for the very first time in our lives. Once upon a time, you die. This is how your story starts. We were not sad as one thinks we would be. I watched you on your deathbed with my mouth open. You were not staring at anything. Your eyes closed. Your mouth closed. Your body at rest. You probably think that we were glad you died. We were not. It is just not the first time you do. We both know it. You died a long time ago. We realized that, the moment you quit smoking. No one would have thought you would do that, ever. Yet you did. You simply stopped. This was it. We all watched you transform into ‘Sleeping Beauty’. The only difference was that you never woke you up from this endless sleep of yours. No one was your prince. It was as if a curse was casted upon you. And contrary to that story, we never managed to find a way to break this curse. You were forever to sleep. That is how things went. Occasionally, we would try to wake you up. Sometimes by poking you gently. Other times roughly. You never did in anyway. You kept spiraling into deep sleep, more and more every single time. Until the day came where you just died on us. At first it was difficult to get used to the idea of your death, of you leaving us. The beginning was hard. It was tough. Then as time passed by, we all gradually started to move on. Sooner than ever, you were long forgotten. At some point we all erased you from our memories, just like you have erased us. I myself could no longer recognize you. You no longer knew me. As harsh as it may seem, we didn’t want to give one another a chance. The one we both deserve. And so we both gave up.

“Teta, I miss you.”

You know Teta, it feels like we are getting to know each other again as if we were two people meeting for the very first time. I am calling you Teta because I am your granddaughter. You have been oblivious to my existence for the past 6 years. I know, it is not your fault. We have already discussed this. I know that you didn’t mean to forget. I understand now. Don’t be angry with yourself. I know you don’t know who you are. Calm down, I will tell you. Don’t panic. Relax, I will help you. No need to feel confused.

They call it the forgetfulness disease; I am not sure who forgets who to be honest. I for myself forgot a lot of things about you, and what you used to do. I forgot how you sat with your back so straight, so proud. Or how you walked. I forgot how you used to dye your hair in that old salon in our town. I even forgot how you held your tiny purse and took out your cigarettes. Of how you and Jiddo* always took each other’s lighters or even lost them. I forgot all about your smile and your sense of humor. I also definitely forgot about those beautiful words that came out of your mouth. I am so sorry that I forgot about how patient you were with Jiddo. How tolerant you were with his atittude. I forgot about how strict you were with your four sons and only daughter and of how you raised them on your own while Jiddo was away. I forgot how everyone used to say what a great lady you are. I forgot of how it feels to have a Teta. They say your memory is lost. I am not sure which loss is harder. My loss or your memory loss. I am lost. I lost your company. I lost your love. I lost your compassion. I lost your warmth. I lost your wisdom. I lost your beauty. I lost your elegance. I lost all those times we could have spent together. I lost a future with you. I lost precious moments. I lost a Teta.

I have the missed the whole point of what happened throughout these years. I missed to grasp it, I missed to see it, I missed to feel it. I missed to sense it and make sense out of it. I ended up missing it. Eventually I missed you. Yes Teta, I miss you. You know I do. That is what I have been trying to tell you all along. I suppose you missed that one too. You also missed out on a lot. I miss a lot of things about you. The looks of your face, the sound of your voice. Your scent. Your being. Your lightness. I miss how much you care. I miss the unconditional love. I miss your greeting I miss what you used to do. The stories you used to tell. The food you used to cook. The sweaters you used to knit. I miss your innocence and mine. I miss that other part of me when you were present. But you are not.

“It is all black in here, I can’t see. I am trapped. I can’t wake up from this endless sleep. I can’t dream here. Dreams are very dark. I can’t snap out of it. I know I never will. The whole thing was sudden. It took me by surprise. I wasn’t completely aware of it but it was out of my control. Yet I fought. I fought it hard with all my strength and will. I was determined to get rid of it. Yet it was stronger than me. Stronger than them. I lost the battle and was sent here. I am scared. Hold my hand. Don’t let go me. Caress my hair and sing to me. Sing to me my favorite song. I won’t sing along, but bear with me. Tell me it will be alright. I know it is a lie, but keep saying it. I missed them. I want to see them. I know I can’t. I want to talk to them. I want to tell them about what it is like to live here. It is cold. It is so distant from where I used to be. There is silence. No sounds, no words are uttered here. Nobody is here to talk to me. My ears want to hear their voices. I feel so empty. I am suffocating here. There is no trace of any scent in here. Nothing to smell here. Nothing to taste. Nothing to remember. But I haven’t forgotten. I never did. Say my name out Loud. Call me. I won’t answer you. Hold me hands tight. Don’t stop doing that. I want to feel again. I want to move. Here the space is so tight; I can barely lift an arm. I am still. I am dead. I want to be alive again. I want my mother, my father, my brothers and my sisters. I want to be a mother to my children, a wife to my husband. I want to be an aunt to my nephews and nieces. I want to be a neighbor again. I want, I certainly want to be your Teta again, but you know I no longer can.”

Teta I wish things were different. I wish you could see things around you. I wish you could see how things have changed. I wish I could hear your greetings for one last time. I wish you would tell us your old stories again. I wish you were here for your family members when they all needed you. I wish you could be your daughter’s best friend. I wish you could once again have coffee talks with Jiddo. I wish you could have your famous family gatherings again. I wish you could have been here for your granddaughters’ life changing events. I wish you would still smile when your children called. I wish I could hear you laugh again. I wish you could sing to us again. I wish you could still call us over for visits. I wish we had gone to see you every single week. I wish you could guide us through our transitions. I wish you could have enjoyed these years in your life. I wish you knew how much you mean to us. I wish you were still here Teta. I just wish you could come back for only a minute and tell us that everything is and will be alright.

“Teta, I love you”

Teta and Jiddo are words for Grandma and Grandpa respectively in the Lebanese Arabic dialect.