I’m a single 20-something. I’m writing this for other single 20-somethings.
Keep your friends in intimate relationships close. Don’t distance yourself with a community exclusively full of other singles.
Most of my best friends are dating, engaged or married. I’m staying strong and holding out. But they’ve found their forever-person and are ecstatic.
This wasn’t the case several years ago. I think they all signed a ‘12-months or less’ pact behind my back and settled down asap. And I’m okay with it.
I’m okay with it because my identity isn’t solely in my singleness. My identity is in who I’m becoming. And I learn A LOT about how to become who I want to be from my friends in relationships and my friends already there.
Five specific things stick out to me that my dating, engaged, or married friends learn more about on a daily basis.
They’re learning new ways to be empathetic, to practice discipline, to make sacrifices, to live freely, and to love.
How they’re learning these things doesn’t always apply to my own situations. What they’re learning does, though.
My friends are living examples. Here’s what I’m learning from them:
Discipline
Self-discipline, specifically.
I’ve always understood this to be self-control. It is the ability to manage your emotions or your habits, overcome your flaws, and practice your strengths.
I apply it to waking up on-time, making it to work or lectures, spending money wisely, exercising, eating well, etcetera.
But it doesn’t feel like something crucial to my success.
My married friends, or dating and engaged friends living together, prove this wrong. What I do now while I’m single becomes habits that stick for a lifetime.
Self-discipline in little things like cleanliness, communication, and organization can prevent many bigger issues completely unrelated.
Self-discipline in big things like self-care, partner-care, and servitude can produce a radically different culture in the home.
Empathy
The ability to understand and feel what others are going through.
Empathy is something anyone can practice, but couples particularly need this locked down. Especially couples with kids.
I’ve witnessed a lack of understanding be absolutely crippling when my friends are struggling with negative extremes like anger, anxiety, depression, and stress or overwhelmed by positive extremes like joy and euphoria.
Empathy only requires feeling and understanding. But what I’ve seen be most powerful is actions inspired by empathy.
Couples don’t have the luxury of moving on from a misunderstanding and accepting the outcome when empathy is needed between each other.
You either act on the lack thereof and suffer the consequences, or you learn to read people and act well in spite of self.
Practicing this with others, while single, radically enriches daily interactions with friends, family, and strangers.
Sacrifice
Dying to your own desires, particularly.
There are a lot of ways to practice sacrifice. But the kind of sacrifice that resonates with me in my friends relationships is self-sacrifice.
I’ve seen my friends give up little things, like never folding their laundry or swearing a ton or drinking Starbucks every day or going out on weekends.
I’ve also seen my friends give up big things, like their paychecks or alcoholism or free time or sleep.
Being sacrificial usually sounds stupid to me when I’m thinking about myself and what I need or want.
Sacrifice only sounds appealing when I know there is something good I’ll receive in exchange for my effort.
When other people are put in the mix, though, sacrifice has added weight.
It’s no longer about what you need or want. It’s about that plus what your partner needs or wants, and what your kids need or want, and what their friends need or want, and so on.
The reward becomes less tangible — it’s not something you can have in your hands or see. The reward of living sacrificially through relationships is the outcome of those actions — it’s the fruit of roots planted in people not things.
Applying this to a single lifestyle allows you to elevate beyond selfishness and adopt selflessness in your every day actions.
Freedom
We all have different ideas of what freedom entails. Essentially, we can all agree it usually means we have the right to do whatever we want.
What if I told you the kind of freedom I see couples enjoy the most is the kind where you don’t get to do whatever you want?
Yeah, right off the bat it doesn’t totally make sense. Freedom with restrictions still kind of confuses me.
The reason I suggest there are different kinds of freedom is because I see my friends practice discipline, act on sympathy, and make sacrifices that broaden their possibilities and elevate their character.
Freedom to me is being able to do whatever I want whenever I want with few restrictions and reasonable consequences.
Freedom to them is being able witness their family succeed, to provide emotionally or physically others, and to confidently say they are joyful.
These people have learned to give their life limits so that they might live without restraint in other ways.
My freedom has it’s perks, but I’ll never have the same opportunities as my friends in relationships.
I’m encouraged to practice freedom with limitations to earn the kind of freedom they have.
and Love
The healthiest relationships I witness my friends in are the ones that prioritize unconditional love.
I stress the word unconditional because I see people think they love without limits all the time. However, they leave hurdles up all over the place and after a while these limitations become crippling.
Big hurdles like jealousy and personality flaws and goal oriented expectations are obvious. Small hurdles like gift giving and words of encouragement and subconscious facial expressions aren’t as obvious.
Unconditional love requires attention to details like these and the application of traits like peace, patience, kindness, faithfulness, and gentleness alongside the other points bolded above.
Unconditional love requires the constant pursuit of living a standard that might be, frankly, impossible. However, it’s noble.
The pursuit alone results in relationships that are rich and joyful and healthy.
Every human should pursue unconditional love. Healthy couples are a good standard to look-up to. Don’t stray to far from them.
