The Secret (Listening is Breathing)

When I come to a conversation without technique and provide the space to listen, I do so because I’ve failed at this a thousand times. I’ve planned and schemed and got lost in my own mind — missing the conversation, missing the moment, missing the person on the other side.

This time I’m going to do it differently.

I’m going to pause, give enough time and space to see other person first. Listen deeply so I can adjust my effort to the situation. If it’s the right moment, share what has worked for me. Later, I can ask how I’m doing to measure success.

Listening is breathing.

That is the secret.

A few tips and tricks to put this into practice—with special thanks to Lisa, Jen, Mary, Cindy, and Akshay.

1. Use a post-it note near my desk to remind me to stay quiet. Try this one: W.A.I.T. for Why Am I Talking?
2. Communicate without any words. Use deep, loud, out-breaths. Sigh.
3. To develop more warmth, use body language and give hints and signals to the show the other person I’m still here. Be playful.
4. Keep the other person going by saying things like, “What do you want to talk about today?” — “What else?” — “Oh, say more things!” — “Tell me more.” Keep it going.
5. Let the other person “hold the room” while I remain quiet. This is yours.