I think it is about time that I came clean. Well, I’m not sure how it’s going to come across, but I am striving to be honest, so here I go.

I am having a hard time with Christians right now.

And if I am really honest, I have been having a hard time with Christians for a while.

Now let’s get one thing straight. I am not having a hard time with Christ. I love Christ, and this journey I am on is a journey in which I am trying desperately to seek Him, to find Him, and to love Him more deeply.

But it is that very fact that stirs up this conflict in me.

I doubt this is the first time you have heard someone say that they are okay with Christ but have a hard time with Christians. Historically I have heard a similar sentiment coming from the mouths of non-believers. And while I would like to believe that my frustration with ‘Christians’ is different than the frustration of the non-believers, I believe they are rooted in the same place.

Christians (including myself) generally do a bad job of reflecting Christ. If fact, today’s church seems to analogizes better to the Pharisees and Sadducees rather than Jesus’ rag tag band of misfits. (Remember the Pharisees and Sadducees thought they were doing things right as well.)

I have been reading a number of books that reflect this sentiment: Irresistible Revolution, Radical, to a certain degree Not a Fan, as well as others.

It is amazing how much Christian literature there is that essentially states we are doing it all wrong.

I am no expert. Goodness knows I’m no expert. But these are a few of the things I am working through right now.

Christians are told to spread the good news of Jesus Christ… but we don’t. We attempt to spread the good news by living good lives and keeping our mouths shut. And the ‘missions’ we do do are only a small fraction of our budget. We are content to spend 90% of our budgets on inwardly focused items, with the largest chunk of our ‘offerings’ going to pay for extravagant multimillion dollar facilities.

Christians are told to take care of the poor… but we don’t. Now there are Christians that do this extremely well. And if you are one of those, God bless you and your ministry. But in my little corner of extremely affluent America, we (very much including myself) do a horrible job of this. We think that our tithes check this box, and that ministry to the poor consists of nothing more than writing a check from our McMansions. Accordingly, we can drive by homeless people on street corners, not look them in the eye, and treat them as subhuman. But it’s okay, since we put a couple hundred bucks in the plate. Jesus does not want our money. If he wanted money he could pull it out of the mouth of a fish. He wants our hearts. And our hearts don’t give a crap about the poor.

Christians are supposed to be honest about their faith... but we aren’t. It’s funny, we are very honest about our ‘sins’, but we are not honest about our faith. You would think that we would be, but we just aren’t. It is not socially acceptable in the church to discuss this topic.

• You killed someone – Awesome, let me tell you about the grace that God offers.
• You struggle with (name your addiction) – Great, you are welcome here. Let’s get you better and then use you as an example of God’s power and grace.
• You have doubts? — What do you mean you have doubts? You can’t doubt.
• You aren’t praying? — You really shouldn’t have said that out loud; you are obviously a bad Christian.
• You question your salvation… Well than you must not really be saved.

Now my viewpoint is small, but I want to be honest and let you know that I am struggling with this.

When I walk into my church’s multimillion dollar church building, I look around and see the mock-perfection of the church, and cannot find the “poor among us” that Jesus tells us we will always have. I wonder if we are off the mark.

In Irresistible Revolution, Shane Claiborne talks a lot about ministering to the American church. Opening their eyes to what they are doing wrong. And my current feelings aside, I feel entirely inadequate to do that.

At the moment, I feel as if I am more to blame than most. I have been the beneficiary of my churches facilities; I do not know a single homeless person (I would be stretching the definition of poor fairly liberally to even say I knew a poor person); and I have hidden my faith walk behind a vale of correct answers the majority of my life.

I am a Christian, and I am the problem.

So there we are. I have now insulted 95% of the people that will read this. Please understand that these are issues that I am grappling with. I am searching for God’s wisdom on topic’s like taking care of the poor and transparency. And while my position may not match yours, the words on this page reflect the struggles that I am going through.

And the good news is that God so desperatly loves His church, and his people who call themselves Christians. Regardless of anything else. He has accepted us and loved us. And His Grace covers a multitude of sins.

So as I press on in this year of searching. I will pray that God uses me to reach His people, that God allows me to serve the poor, and God gives me the strength to be honest about my faith walk.

But in addition to that, I ask that God gives me the grace to see his children as he sees them. That any issues I have with the Church and with His Christians could be confronted with His love and His compassion instead of frustration and bitterness.

Hopefully we are all pressing to be more like Christ. And I admit that I could be way off base with this post. Or I might not be. Either way, please give me the grace to stretch, question, and seek.