Thank you Mr. Trump

I never thought I would say this, but thank you Donald Trump.

Here is the deal: I am a white, heterosexual, male. Just like you Mr. Trump!

However, I am also a feminist. I know you may think this puts us at odds, Donald (can I call you Donald?), but just hear me out.

Thanks to your “hot mic” indiscretion, I have learned that what you were engaging in is called “locker room” talk. I never knew what to call it. You see, Donald, I just thought that when I was in a group of straight men and the conversation turned outright sexist, they were being misogynists. In this, I was obviously misinformed. It turns out this is simply the conversation of a “locker room.”

Maybe you can understand my confusion, Donald, because I have been in locker rooms before and I remember talking about things like working out or if I could borrow someone’s shampoo. Apparently, I was doing it wrong and this has been made very clear to me by your defenders. According to them, I should have been objectifying women. Obviously I was being very silly in thinking that conversations in a locker room could be about anything else. I hope they don’t think less of me.

Not only was I acting foolishly in locker rooms, I didn’t even realize that these requirements extended to any time a group of straight men were hanging out! I know, I know, Donald, how could I be so stupid!? Boys will be boys, after all. More specifically, objectifying assholes will assume that other boys are objectifying assholes, right?

Please don’t take offense to being called an asshole, Donald. After all, aren’t we all assholes? For example, I have always been the asshole in the room every time it comes to “locker room” talk. I don’t like when people say misogynistic things (probably because of how ignorant I am.) And in the past, I’ve said things like, “I don’t appreciate that,” or “Please don’t say things like that.” All because I didn’t understand what I was supposed to say!

I can’t keep quiet about this!

I now know exactly what to say when the conversation turns to sexism, Mr. Trump! I realize now, thanks entirely to you, all I have to do whenever I am having “locker room” talk is to exclaim, “Grab her by the pussy!”

And I’ll win!

By using your exact words, I will catapult the conversation directly into the absurd! It is the Salvador fucking Dali of “locker room” talk! There is nowhere to go after that!

You see, Donald, everyone likes to talk about sex, and candid communication between trusted friends is great! Did your single friend have amazing sex with their new partner and want to tell you all about it? Great! Good for them! You better believe that she (or he) is telling her (or his) friends too! But the line needs to be drawn somewhere. Somewhere so far below the level you are at, Mr. Trump, that I don’t think you can see it anymore.

Let me clear up for you why women might not like to be talked about in that way, Donald. You know how people keep bringing up how small your hands are? They are doing this because there is an implication. Specifically, they are implying that your penis is small.

Honestly, does anyone actually think that a small penis means you can’t be a good president? No! Trust me, your penis length has absolutely nothing to do with why they think that. The whole purpose behind people saying you have small hands is to objectify you and make you feel bad. They are laughing at your expense.

If you accused them directly of this, they would hide behind technicalities. They didn’t actually say you have a small penis, after all. At least not to your face (are you making the correlations to your own behavior yet, Mr. Trump? No? Well, keep trying ;)).

And doesn’t that make you feel bad? Maybe you do have a small penis, and it has brought you embarrassment throughout your life. None of us know that for sure, but we can all imagine how upset you would be if it were true. And you were upset!

Isn’t it interesting how upset you get at being objectified when you are so willing to objectify nearly all women? This isn’t just limited to you grabbing life “by the pussy,” but maybe in how you refer to some celebrities as “fat,” or beauty pageant winners as “Miss Piggy?” Or maybe how your esteem for your daughter is limited to how hot she is?

People can’t choose how hot they are, Mr. Trump, just like you can’t choose how big your penis is. And maybe, just maybe, you should stop valuing women based upon your standard of beauty. Then perhaps people will stop making fun of your small penis.

Besides, isn’t it possible that “locker room” talk is bullshit? That it is code for a conversation future generations will relegate as primitive and sexist? Maybe someday there will be a young lady who won’t want to invite her beau over to dinner for fear her sexist grandpa will say something embarrassing. If you aren’t catching it, Donald, I am comparing your overt sexism to the racism of the Jim Crow era. Got it now? Good. Cause, you also have problems with the whole ‘racism’ thing, but let’s just deal with one point at a time.

I am telling you this, one white man to another, in hopes that my skin color and gender (two things I did absolutely nothing to earn) will make you hear what you have been deaf to for so long. Women are people. Notice how I didn’t put any qualifiers on that sentence. They aren’t people only for your entertainment. They aren’t people in desperate need for your esteem. In fact, they are people, just the same as you and me, whether or not you ever fucking realize that.

So, again, thanks Mr. Trump. You fucking asshole.

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