Now Hiring

The interview for a job I was largely unqualified to fill

image via recruiterbox.com

“Thank you for coming in today, Mrs. Brown. Let’s start with a few questions to learn a little bit more about you. First of all, what interested you in this position?”

“I would have to say that this position has really found me. More than a decade into my career I am a little intimidated to be starting over down this path, but I have always been one eager to tackle new challenges.”

“What do you feel makes you most qualified for this position?”

“A uterus.”

“That’s great. Any additional professional skills or strengths would you also like us to know about?”

“That’s a harder question to answer. I’d have to say all of my time in an office really hasn’t prepared me for this exact position. However, I have learned management and communications skills that have improved my ability to coordinate projects and proactively solve problems.”

“Could you share an example with me?”

“Well, I had a client who needed a communications plan built and executed for a product launch happening in less than six weeks from the start date of the project. Some considerations included a limited budget and high visibility among senior management circles within the company. With those in mind, I worked with my team to quickly develop a comprehensive launch plan that profiled the biggest strengths of the product that could most easily be promoted through a word-of-mouth campaign supported by targeted promotions on social media networks.”

“You do understand that every bit of that example is entirely irrelevant here, correct?”

(Sigh) “Yes.”

“And you also know that you will be working solo during a majority of your regular working hours, with one additional team member joining you for the overnight shift, right?”

“I’m glad that you mentioned that. I do have a question about the job description in terms of weekly hours. Just to clarify, I will work roughly 98 hours per week solo, with a team member for the rest of the 70 hours each week?”

“That’s correct.”

(Silence)

“Now it shows here Mrs. Brown that you earned a letter grade of B- in your seventh grade Home Economics course. Could you explain why that was?”

“Um, well, that was about two decades ago. Let me see. I believe the reason for the lower grade was due to an incomplete sewing assignment for the class. I didn’t properly affix the fake dial pad buttons onto the plush telephone pillow I was sewing from a pattern included in a kit. I instead used fabric glue. Will sewing be needed for this position?”

“Fortunately no, that skill has been phased out of the current job description. Day-to-day responsibilities will include preparing and maintaining a budget, bookkeeping, vehicle maintenance, home repair, home improvement management, house cleaning, laundry services, scheduling, correspondence, and of course, childcare.”

“Ok. Wow. That’s a distinct shift from my current role as a marketing executive, but I am sure that with the right mentors I will be able to excel quickly.”

“Great, we like that kind of can-do attitude. Final question, what do you like to do in your free time?”

“Let’s see. I enjoy training for marathons, yoga, writing, watching movies, reading, going to the theater, and eating out.”

“Very nice. We should let you know that this position allows little time for personal enrichment, at least for the first six-to-eight months or so. Once you have shown an aptitude for juggling the multiple responsibilities associated with this position, you will have additional time freed up for pursuing your own personal interests.”

“Sounds good.”

“Alright, I think we have all the information we need to make a decision.”

“Do you know when I might hear from your team?”

“Nine to ten months.”

“Thanks so much.”