It’s late . I woke up to two missed calls and a text from my boyfriend . There isn’t a moment in time where I don’t think about him . I came to the conclusion that I don’t think about the positive such as “he’s so good to me”, or “even I rememeber when ..” (Like how I sometimes tell him I do .) Most of the time its “I wonder who else he’s talking to” , “Does he really love me?” , or “Am I even good enough?”
For one, I should be able to think postive and be confident in this relationship . I shouldn’t have to ask myself these questions everyday as if I have proof that hes been talking to someone else. I shouldn’t let our trust issues from the past define who he could become in the future . Then again its been 2 years . If he wanted to change , he would , but I don’t blame him anymore . I’ve came to the realization that it’s me . It’s how I give myself to him when he wants although I don’t always want to . It’s how I’m willing to listen to whatever he says just to make myself feel superior to the other girls in his past who didn’t . Why?! Because of my insecurities . If I’m not the one , I should just let go right ? Stop trying set his standards and focus on being myself that could be everything someone else wants . So I’ve been told …
Wants and Needs
I’m 16 . I’m learning this whole process of love , loyalty , and trust . I’m still learning who I am as an indivisual . I know I want to graduate high school with at least a 3.5 . I know I want to be successful . But I’m just now putting forth most my effort to my academic life (and boy, does hard work pay off) . Anyway my point is , people only go hard for something they really want . The reason I don’t have that 3.5 right now is because I had too many distractions boys , drama , family issues .. all because I didn’t really take action . Its not that I didn’t want it , its that I wouldn’t work for it . But I sure did make sure that if my boyfriend wanted or wasn’t satisfied I’d go out my way to make it happen . The difference is I need this education in order to get the future I want to have . I don’t need to satify one’s wants to keep them .
Trying but Failing
I’m Malani Chemone . There may be others with this exact name but there’s nobody who is exactly like me . I don’t necessarily stand out but I’m different . You can say I’m sort’ve trying out personalities to figure out which one is truly me . When I say “trying out” I mean taking action towards things in different ways or what I do and say around other people . I put forth those actions and I see if that approach is something I like or I don’t . Sometimes I can feel it instantly , like no this isn’t me . This isn’t something I want to take part in . This is not what I want to be defined as . Which brings me back to my boyfriend . I try to do things differently that may not even be “me” just to become his dream girl . But even me taking those different approaches I still failed . Not only did I fail trying to make him “ act right “ I failed myself .
Out of Character
I remember he asked me “ Do you you feel like you need to do certain things to keep me ?” I think I responded no . The answer I gave is the answer I know he was expecting . But in reality my actions told differently . I’d get out of character a lot just for him to like me or not want to leave me for better . Although , I know I probably didn’t have to . I’m pretty sure he’d have no problem accepting me as I am . I was the one with the problem . Swearing up and down 25/8 that I needed to prove myself to him . When I know that if he didn’t get it , he won’t or he just doesn’t care enough to . But i still try . I’m learning . Did I mention that already ?!