Old and grey-

I’m sitting alone in my home thinking… Thinking how I feel like most parts of my life are not mine to share. I feel them burdening me, I feel their weight. But, I don’t feel like they’re mine. I don’t feel as if they’re a part of me, of my life.

For most I felt like it was my fault.

When it wasn’t.

Especially when I was younger and the feelings that were created by situations were unfamiliar to me. But now that I’m older, I still feel like my life does not belong to me.

And I feel like I owe so much to all these generations, to gain more knowledge, to understand more, to evolve, to learn their pain and move forward. For them. It’s like a nonstop hassle.

It’s creating a weight on my chest making me breathe heavily. It’s like I’m carrying them with me.

And I don’t feel that my life is mine. I feel as if I don’t have the control, or better yet I don’t have the permission.

All the effort that I’ve done so far is enough. All the effort I will do until I die, I hope that is enough.

And for people that slipped away, alive, but still away. For all the people that I wished were here next to me holding me and listening to their voice and breath alive next to me, there’s nothing I could say.

I’ve said it all.

I guess one day I’ll try and instead of talking with riddles, I could just tell you a story or two. Stories of how I got some of the scars i carry.

The story of how I missed my youth feeling old and gray but without aging one day.

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