Is the Ego Bad? How to Build a Healthy and Balanced Ego

How many times have you heard someone say that the ego is bad? Especially in the world of spirituality, the ego has gotten the reputation of being the bad guy. Is this really true? We decided to look into this statement in more detail. We consulted reputable sources and approached several professionals from the worlds of psychology and applied spirituality to gain a complete picture of whether the ego is good or bad and what makes a healthy ego.

The misconception about the ego being bad comes from literally applying Eastern teachings to Western cultures. Ours is a different world over here. There will come a time on our spiritual path to transcend our egos. However, for many of us that time is not there yet. One first needs to develop a healthy ego and a healthy personality to be able to function in the world and in this reality.

The East and the West

Ever since Eastern teachings have gained popularity in the West, a common consensus propagated by many has appeared: the ego is bad. You need to overcome your ego to attain liberation. However, just like with many other things, when we try to apply foreign concepts into our local cultures, problems are likely to arise. The reason for that is simple. Our Western cultures are different from those in the East. Following their teachings blindly is likely to cause problems.

To quote Carl Jung in the book Psychology and the East: “There could be no greater mistake than for a Westerner to take up the direct practice of Chinese yoga, for that would merely strengthen his will and consciousness against the unconscious and bring about the very effect to be avoided. The neurosis would then simply be intensified. It cannot be emphasized enough that we are not Orientals, and that we have an entirely different point of departure in these matters.”

The mindset and struggles of a modern Westerner differ greatly from the person who grew up in the East. We mentioned this in our article on practical ways to build your self-esteem by working with the third chakra. When they asked the Dalai Lama about low self-esteem, he didn’t even know what it was. Apparently, such a word doesn’t even exist in the Tibetan language! Language is a practical reflection of a culture, its mentality and needs. So, since the concept of self-esteem doesn’t exist in the Tibetan language, it’s because there was no need for it. Try and say that about the people living in the West. How many blogs alone are written on this topic? Not to mention books, coaches and workshops. There needs to be an integration and adaptation of Eastern teaching to the Western way of being.

Ego and Its Functions

According to Western psychology, the ego is the mediator between our raw, primal desires (the id) and the moral values (the superego) that we’ve learned from our environment. The ego is a set of functions each healthy individual must possess in order to survive and thrive in the world. The dictionary of The American Psychological Association mentions the following functions of the ego:

1. perception of the external world
2. self-awareness
3. problem solving
4. control of motor functions
5. adaptation to reality
6. memory
7. reconciliation of conflicting impulses and ideas
8. regulation of affect

Now tell me, how can any of these be considered to be bad?

Ego and Spirituality

A healthy psyche and stable personality structures are the basis of practicing spirituality. And a healthy ego is a necessary prerequisite for profound spiritual work. Without it, we can easily get lost in “denial, avoidance, repression, dissociation, disconnection, and a poor sense of self (Lonerwolf)”. We can end up completely unable to function in the most mundane activities of the real world, such as a job negotiation, for example.

There are many people who developed or deepened their psychological issues by practicing inadequate spiritual techniques. Also, many rush to use meditation to solve certain problems, but are unconscious that meditation can be extremely counterproductive with certain emotional and mental states.

The same goes for practicing mindfulness. There are some instances when mindfulness alone is not enough:

• when people just can’t feel their bodies, usually due to trauma
• when emotions are too strong to simply observe them and let them pass

In such cases it’s good to look at a different approach to mindfulness, called embodied mindfulness. We wrote an entire article for you about that.

What we need to become conscious of and free from is the slavery of the identification with the ego, but that’s the next level stuff. Only when the ego is healthy and strong can we move towards transcending it. If the ego is not healthy enough, it will misinterpret many things and fall into extremes.

The Spiritual Ego

One common extreme nowadays is the spiritual ego. As Amra K explains to us, “It arises when a person engages in spirituality and because of that starts valuing herself more than others. It is also common that such a person uses spirituality to justify negative events they participate in. However, a person who is truly spiritual radiates light and peace. Without having to say or do anything, everything is clear to everyone. This person does not feel the need to explain herself or stand out too much. Those with a spiritual ego usually go from one extreme to another and delay lessons that they need to learn in life. The best thing is to walk the middle path and be honest to oneself and others. Then there’s no space for a spiritual ego.”

(We wrote more on the dangers of the spiritual ego in our article on spiritual gaslighting. Feel free to check it to learn more about how people, often unknowingly, misuse spiritual values to gaslight others and themselves.)

Our Experts

To understand more about the good and the bad of the ego, what makes a healthy ego and how to develop it, we asked several professionals. Amra Kubat is a teacher of Reiki, yoga, meditation, and a certified life coach. Petar Jeknic is a psychologist and gestalt psychotherapist. And Tamara Djurdjevic is a family psychotherapist specializing in health psychology.

Is the Ego Bad?

Amra K: It doesn’t have to be. Just like everything else in the Universe, it has its good and bad sides. We always say, watch out which inner wolf you feed, the good or the bad one. That’s how I look at the ego. We choose whether to destroy or to create. The one who destroys has a bad ego, while the one who creates has a good one.

Tamara Dj: The ego can be the source of suffering when it represents damaging and limiting beliefs we have about ourselves. The ego, or ‘I’ is all the knowledge we have about ourselves. It’s everything we think we are. However, the question is, who are we really?

When the ego is only focused on itself, then people around us can suffer, and so do we. But if we are too focused on helping others and meeting their demands and needs, the ego can suffer then as well.

When Is The Ego Good and When Is It Bad?

Amra K:

It’s good when it motivates you to move and do something useful for yourself and others, when it strengthens your willpower. A good ego protects us from change, while the bad one breeds fear because it thinks that any change is bad.

It’s also bad when it turns into too strong ambition and selfishness and when you start stepping on everyone around you to achieve your goals. It’s also bad when you are lazy and apathetic, or when you criticize and judge yourself and others. When you are more focused on the outside rather than your inner self and your higher self. A bad ego is the extreme, while a healthy ego does things in moderation. Again, it chooses the middle path.

Tamara Dj:

It’s usually represented as a bad thing but it doesn’t have to be. The ego is the conscious part of our personality, the part of the psyche we perceive as “I”. That layer of personality meets the outer physical and social world. It gathers data about it using perception, memory and thinking. Postponing gratification is what the ego is best at because it deals with reality.

What Is a Healthy Ego?

Tamara Dj:

Those who take responsibility for themselves and their actions have a healthy ego. They:

– know themselves

– accept their vulnerability

– feel and release their emotions

– accept current situations

– allow themselves to try things

– allow themselves to make wrong moves because only in that way they can learn, grow and develop

A healthy ego does not jeopardize our self-confidence, it’s elastic and allows us to see things from a different angle.

Petar J:

A healthy or functional ego, or the ‘I’ if we translate it from Latin, is any ego that fulfills the purpose of its existence. It allows survival and adequate functioning of one’s system. This part of psyche, or soul, emerged when the id, the unconscious part of the psyche, met with outer reality. It’s complex in its structure but it’s main representatives are consciousness or the psychic “I”, and the body.

A healthy “I” has only two tasks, but unfortunately all too often it fails at them. The first task is about the perception of outer reality and inner reality, and then balancing the two. This seems simple but sometimes the inner reality dominates, which is the reality of the id or the unconscious part of the psyche. The id is a powerful, manipulative and raw part of the psyche and its reality is based on avoiding discomfort. That’s where fears and worries come from. Sometimes we are too suggestible and then the outer reality dominates. A healthy ego is capable of balancing the two.

The second task is about noticing and preserving psychological boundaries. When we do not have a boundary towards the unconscious part of the psyche, we risk being flooded with instinctual reactions and other contents of the psyche which may not be appropriate to a person’s age, goals and principles. Every addict enjoys their addictions at that moment, but whether that’s good for them is arguable. A healthy ego knows what is good and useful. It has balanced its needs with the outer reality and set boundaries.

Amra K:

For example:

• a healthy ego is when you have the willpower to get up every morning at 5 AM and do your morning yoga practice.
• a healthy ego is when you are active every day and there is no place for laziness. You also know when to stop, i.e. you are moderate in your actions.
• a healthy ego is when you are strong, resilient, and at the same time gentle and committed.
• it’s when you have self-confidence because it protects you from anxiety and depression.

How Can We Develop a Healthy Ego?

Petar J:

Without developing a healthy ego, we enter a routine which has meaning and significance only in certain periods of development. However, after that what awaits us is facing new challenges and fears. Through facing these, we grow and develop a healthy ego. If we want to reach emotional maturity, we need to meet with emotional challenges and fears of each developmental phase of our lives.

People who come to psychotherapy are those lagging behind in their development. Consequences vary but the treatment process is always the same. It is about enticing development. This happens, first of all, through changing one’s relationship to oneself, depending on their age and the environment they live in. Without changing the relationship to oneself, no development can happen.

Amra K:

Most of all, through meditation, humanitarian work and helping others without expectations. There are also many energy techniques su has Reiki, Reconnection etc. which help to cleanse your energy. By doing that, you stop being focused on the outside and you start to look within. Meditation helps with many things, but it needs to be a regular, daily practice. Even if it’s short, what matters is that you do it every day. Discipline is necessary for a healthy life, and a healthy ego. Humanitarian work and dedicating ourselves to doing good without expecting personal gains opens the heart for love and gratitude. In such a case, there is no place for a bad ego, only love.

What Are the Boundaries of a Healthy Ego?

Petar J:

The boundary is not in the sense of discomfort, because through discomfort we get the opportunity to learn and, thereby, to grow. Discomfort always follows when we leave our comfort zone. Without expanding our comfort zone, we cannot progress in life.

In psychotherapy, the first problem that arises is the perspective of how we look at our problems. It’s much easier to explain our actions through the actions of others, although this kind of perspective is, by default, useless. To see oneself and our own responsibility, that is the first challenge.

Next comes the goal setting. No goal is easy to achieve. And each one is a step to the next one. Development is non-linear, and made up of pleasant and unpleasant parts. The tendency is what matters– whether the person is moving up, down or stagnating. Only results can decide that. For a goal to be a goal, it needs to be concrete and we need actions towards it. Otherwise, the goal becomes a plain wish. Wishes are okay, but it’s necessary to have specific activities towards their fulfillment.

The human brain is a strange organ. If it processes life challenges, then there are no problems. The problem usually arises when the brain does not deal with life challenges. That’s when it creates challenges to solve them. And that’s when the inner reality dominates. If this manifests with the “what if” question, then that’s anxiety. I am becoming more and more certain that anxiety is the base from which all other pathologies develop and the reason why people come to psychotherapy.

So, let’s face our challenges in the way that our possibilities allow. That’s how we will form a healthy ego, which does not have the privilege to switch off for as long as we live!

Quiz: How Healthy Is Your Ego?

Take a pen and a piece of paper and write down the numbers of those statements that apply to you.

You:

1. feel you are not good enough
2. think in terms of possibilities
3. avoid apologizing and taking responsibility
4. turn to healthy coping mechanisms during stressful times
5. use anger or annoyance to control other people
6. conscious of your interests, wishes and talents
7. use substances to avoid or numb unpleasant emotions
8. understand the difference between needs and wishes
9. are very reactive, defensive, easily triggered or prone to drama
10. are optimistic and grateful
11. repeat problematic behaviors that cause suffering
12. can understand and acknowledge perspectives different from your own
13. struggle with reality or want to make it go away
14. have a strong sense of safety, self-confidence and capability
15. refuse to face your fears and challenges
16. are curious
17. are often overflooded with emotions
18. don’t take personally what others say or do — you maintain a healthy perspective
19. expect perfection
20. can tolerate discomfort and regulate your emotions
21. take personally what others say or do
22. allow others to be responsible for themselves
23. use guilt, avoidance, criticism or denial when you need to face difficult situations
24. accept your imperfections, imperfections of others and of life itself
25. feel entitled or a sense of grandeur
26. act with integrity and authenticity
27. demand a lot of emotional validation and feel angry, anxious or depressed when it’s not available
28. have a strong sense of personal power
29. not capable to show compassion or understand those whose opinions and beliefs differ from your own
30. adaptable and flexible
31. feel the need to compete with others
32. practice acceptance, compassion and cooperation

Results:

Statements under odd numbers describe an unhealthy ego, while those under even numbers describe a healthy one. If you have one too many odd answers, please don’t beat yourself up. So do I. And so do the 35 people I distributed the questionnaire to.

As you can see from the graph, the top most prominent “healthy” answers were:

• thinking in terms of possibilities
• being curious
• being able to understand and acknowledge perspectives different from your own
• practicing acceptance, compassion and cooperation

The most common ego-unhealthy answers were:

• using substances to avoid or numb unpleasant emotions
• repeating problematic behaviors that cause suffering
• being often overflooded with emotions
• feeling the need to compete with others

How do your answers align with those above?

Go over the statements again and reflect on what you’ve discovered:

1. Are there any statements which could be your goals to work with? Start by picking just one and dedicate some time to mastering it. Reflect in your journal on how well you managed. Whenever you fail, congratulate yourself for trying and try not to give up.
2. Write down the reasons why you think you failed this time, and what you could do next time in a similar situation.
3. If you find it hard, consider consulting a good therapist to help you. Hopefully, we’ve convinced you by now that having a healthy ego is worth the effort.

A Healthy Ego Equals a Healthy Life. Who Wouldn’t Want That?

The ego is what keeps all parts of our personality together, and helps us function in this crazy world riddled with chaos and stressors of all kinds. It’s how you present yourself to the world, how you manage yourself and your resources and much, much (much!) more. The ego is our greatest helper in life, so let’s befriend it instead of making it the bad guy.

Tatjana Glogovac, Senior Contributor At L’Aquila Active

Tatjana is a writer and educator in mindfulness, emotional intelligence, learning, psychology and self-development. She is a certified yoga and meditation teacher. Her goal is to make yoga and meditation a practical daily tool for everyone looking to find some peace of mind and a healthy physical practice for their bodies. This especially goes for people struggling with anxiety, stress, depression, excessive worrying, overthinking, and other ailments of the modern man. You can connect with her via LinkedIn.