What Is Spiritual Gaslighting and How to Recognize It
What Is Spiritual Gaslighting and How to Recognize It
Written by Tatjana G. in Yoga Science
In these unprecedented times when millions of people are awakening, some friendly words of caution are in order for all those walking this sometimes bumpy road: beware of spiritual gaslighting. Make sure to learn what it is and how to recognize it, so you don’t get confused like many of us did.
Spiritual gaslighting happens when we:
- Prioritize spiritual development over human development.
- Follow outside spiritual truths and teachings about how we’re supposed to be feeling, thinking, behaving, and living our lives instead of listening to our inner guidance and intuition.
- We get blinded by spiritual concepts so much that we cannot trust ourselves anymore.
- End up in conflict with ourselves — our body and mind are saying one thing, while our spiritual teachings are saying something else.
In trying to be spiritual, some of us have forgotten that we are also human. Being human means that’s it’s okay to get angry, form judgments and not be positive all the time.
More on Spiritual Gaslighting
“Traditional” gaslighting is a technique people use to manipulate someone into questioning their own perception of reality and not trusting their own judgment. When you gaslight someone, you invalidate their feelings (for example, “you are too sensitive”) and experiences so that they end up doubting themselves, feeling guilty, ashamed, insecure, or unworthy. Spiritual gaslighting happens when someone uses spiritual truths and concepts to convince you that whatever you feel or think is wrong.
Unfortunately, it has become prominent among spiritual people. Some of your spiritual friends are probably doing it, and, probably, they don’t even know it. Some of them are probably thinking that they are helping you. To make things worse, you could even be spiritually gaslighting yourself. If you read books about spirituality and listen to talks by spiritual leaders that get you to doubt your own common sense and be in conflict with yourself, you have probably spiritually gaslighted yourself. And if you’ve been spiritually gaslighted, you are likely to do it to others as well. All of the above can happen to most of us spiritual seekers at one point or another. That’s why we are writing this article. Unknowingly, I have been a spiritual gaslighter, gaslightee, and self-gaslighter myself.
Being Spiritual vs Being Human
As John Welwood, a famous psychologist and teacher known for integrating psychology and spirituality, points out, the problem starts when spiritual teachings become “prescriptions about what you should do, how you should think, how you should speak, how you should feel. Then our spiritual practice becomes taken over by a kind of spiritual superego — the voice that whispers “shoulds” in our ear. This is a big obstacle to ripening, because it feeds our sense of deficiency.”
So, we need to recognize that our development has 2 tracks — spiritual and human. These two should complete each other. However, when our spiritual development takes precedence over our human growth, this can lead to mental health issues. If we use spiritual absolute truths to dismiss our “relative human needs, feelings, psychological problems, relational difficulties, and developmental deficits,” we will end up in conflict with ourselves. “Even though personal feelings and needs may have no solid or ultimate reality, shunting them aside is likely to cause major psychological problems. (Welwood)”
Common Examples of Spiritual Gaslighting
Here are some spiritual truths that you should look out for. This is not to say that they are wrong per se. It just means that there’s a time and place for everything. If you’re not there, it doesn’t make you any less spiritual or okay. It just means that you have your own path to walk on, not someone else’s.
“Practice Non-attachment.”
You tell a spiritual person that you are frustrated about something, and they tell you to practice non-attachment. The Buddhist teaching of non-attachment states that our attachments to ideas, needs, other people and material possessions are one of the sources of human suffering. So, one can overcome this by practicing non-attachment. However, non-attachment is an advanced practice. Most people have not formed healthy secure attachments with others in their lives. So, when they use the principle of non-attachment they are likely to be bottling up their basic human needs for love and connection. “I’ve often seen how attempts to be nonattached are used in the service of sealing people off from their human and emotional vulnerabilities. It’s painful to see someone maintaining a stance of detachment when underneath they are starving for positive experiences of bonding and connection. (Welwood)”
Satisfying human needs is a basic thing people do. Meet your needs. It’s a healthy thing to do. Numbing them, ignoring them, or shoving them aside is not. Of course, be mindful about how you meet them and whether you are causing harm to yourself and others. Also, listen carefully if it’s your ego or your id speaking.
“Ego is bad.”
Our egos are our protection from all the a-holes you will come across in your life. So, though it needs to be in check, it’s not necessarily a bad thing. Ego is how we see ourselves. It’s related to our self-esteem, discipline, reliability, and many other traits that we need to function on this planet. Buddhism teaches us that there is no self and we should let go of our egos. However, in this messy, complex world, we sure need it. And just like with attachments, first we need to develop a healthy ego before we can overcome it.
“Don’t Judge.”
Please note that the ability to form correct judgments is a priceless faculty of our brains. And just know that your brain, that “device” you’re carrying around on your neck, is a product of 200,000 years of evolution. If that’s not worthy of respect, I don’t know what is. Bear in mind though that there is a difference between accurately reading a situation and reading into it. How to tell which one is which? Practice discernment. “Clear discernment is useful. Reactive, automatic, or habitual judgment is not (Oren Jay Sofer, Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication).”
“It’s not me, It’s your projection.”
This is a common one. Carl Jung would be rolling in his grave if he knew how modern-day spirituality and pop psychology are twisting his teachings. Here’s the thing — everything you know about the world comes from your own experience. Since my background is in Applied Linguistics, I’ll explain this misconception through the lens of semantics.
Let’s take the concept of a chair as an example. It usually has 4 legs and a back. You know this because you’ve seen chairs in your life. Now, imagine you come from a society where people sit on the floor and you see a chair for the first time. You wouldn’t be able to recognize it or identify it because you’ve never seen it before.
The same goes for more abstract concepts such as human traits. For you to know that someone is lazy, you’ve had to be lazy yourself, or know someone close to you who is. In pop psychology and spirituality, when you tell a person that they are lazy, they often tell you that they are a projection/reflection of you. The thing is that one doesn’t exclude the other. Yes, I’m lazy, or have been lazy, or know someone close to me who is. That doesn’t change the fact that you are lazy. How would I know what laziness is if I hadn’t experienced it myself? However, don’t be adamant about your judgments. Perhaps what you see as laziness is someone else’s depression, lack of motivation, and who knows what else. Be open and understanding. If you really want to know who they are, listen to them mindfully.
“That’s just your trigger.”
Another thing you hear people say is that if you are having a strong psychological reaction to the other person’s laziness, it means it’s your own laziness that you have problems accepting. This has truth in it, but it still does not change the fact that the other person might be lazy.
How we say something conveys how we feel about it. For example, let’s say I have a friend who is hard-working. They work 12 hours a day, have 2 jobs, and do some tutoring on the side. That’s a fair argument to say that this person is hard-working. Now, depending on my past experience with hard work, I can present it either as a positive or a negative quality. It is positive because in my family, community, or culture hard work is seen as a positive trait. I can also present it as a negative trait. Perhaps my father was a very hard-working person, and because of that we didn’t get to see him a lot, so he missed out on my childhood. Either way I say it doesn’t change the fact that my friend is a hard-working person.
During my young(ish) life, I’ve been called (to my face or behind my back) “special” (in a good way), “special” (as a euphemism for something else, not sure what it was), “strange”, “different,” and “weird.” Although these words speak volumes about what these people considered to be normal or conventional, it doesn’t change the fact that it resonated with how I felt among them.
“I thought you meditate/do yoga/tai chi/etc. How come you’re angry?”
Feelings are invaluable sources of information. That’s our body’s intelligence speaking to us. God gave us feelings for a reason. It’s normal to get angry in the face of injustice, or a bit frustrated when things aren’t going your way. Don’t berate yourself for these.
“Only you are responsible for everything that happens in your life.”
Would you say this to someone who has been raped? Or a Syrian refugee? This idea that only we are responsible for everything that happens in our lives ignores the bigger picture that:
– everything is intertwined
– we live in larger, complex systems
– many things are outside of our personal control.
It’s rooted in our individualistic ego-centric society. If you lived in a more collective society, such as Japan, where people are more concerned with the collective benefit of everyone involved, you wouldn’t be thinking that.
“Positive vibes only.”
This one is so detrimental to our well-being that I can’t begin to describe. Of course we like it when people around us are happy, light and easy-going. But we’re not like that all the time. We might be having a really bad day, not to mention mental health issues. However, this norm of obligatory positivity in social interactions requires us to put on a fake smile and pretend about how we really are. To quote Leonardo DiCaprio in the movie Don’t Look Up, “not everything needs to sound clever, or charming or likable all the time. Sometimes, we just need to be able to say things to one another.”
Sometimes your glass is really really empty. And that’s okay. It will get full when the time for it comes. In the meantime, it would be great to have people around you to whom you can honestly tell how you are without them trying to convince you to feel something you’re not feeling, although they mean you well.
How to Avoid Spiritual Gaslighting?
Now that we’ve given you some insights into how to recognize spiritual bypassing, the next logical question is — what to do about it?
Choose Your Battles Wisely
If you’re unprepared to deal with spiritual gaslighting, the best thing is to step away. If you’re not too sure about your inner guidance yet, best skip the conversation altogether.
Show Respect for Someone Else’s Unique Path
Learning is rarely linear. It goes up and down, left and right, in circles and often spirals. It can get pretty chaotic. Every one of us will have a different developmental process, and this includes spiritual development. No two people are the same. So, if you’ve learned a spiritual truth that resonates with you, it doesn’t mean you should go around imposing it on others. This applies even if you’re honestly trying to help. You don’t know where the other person is on their path. Projecting your own experiences onto someone can do them great harm, especially if they are in a vulnerable place. If you really want to help and believe you’ve progressed enough that you can, the best you can do is listen to your fellow man. Try to understand where they are coming from. And if you still feel you can help, nurture an approach of humble suggestion.
Not Better or Worse — Just Different
Many people use spirituality to boost their egos and this can be a good thing. However, some might think that because they’ve had potent spiritual experiences, they are somehow better or above others. This can often happen to people who’ve struggled with feelings of inferiority or superiority. People with a lack of self-esteem might use spirituality to compensate for it. Those who are overconfident just get an additional affirmation of what they previously already thought of themselves.
Disclaimer
If your spiritual truths are deeply resonating with you, stick to them of course. Everything said here about spiritual gaslighting applies when you feel you’re in such discord with yourself that you can’t trust yourself anymore. If you keep having to turn to outside teachings for pointers on how to feel, think and behave, please consider if you’re placing too much power in something external. God is in you after all.
Conclusion
Spirituality is not a one-size-fits-all process. Competing and one-upping each other in who is a more spiritual person comes from ego (the bad kind), and a lack of respect for another human being and their path. Some of the greatest spiritual leaders were humble and accepting of everyone.
Tatjana Glogovac, Senior Contributor At L’Aquila Active
Tatjana is a writer and educator in mindfulness, emotional intelligence, learning, psychology and self-development. She is a certified yoga and meditation teacher. Her goal is to make yoga and meditation a practical daily tool for everyone looking to find some peace of mind and a healthy physical practice for their bodies. This especially goes for people struggling with anxiety, stress, depression, excessive worrying, overthinking, and other ailments of the modern man. You can connect with her via LinkedIn.
