Matthew Silverman once said to me verbatim: “Babe, God always writes the best stories.” Let me tell you one now. You see, I started praying for an Armenian Christian husband at age 16. But I was always fascinated with God’s chosen people. So what did God do? On January 1, 2022, while in the throngs of my own illness, God gave me both of my heart’s desires by sending me a 5 foot ten half Armenian, half Jewish package named Matt Silverman. God’s hand in orchestrating our love story was so evident that you could say Matt was personally signed, sealed and delivered from God to me. A few years earlier when we were both healthy, we had driven to Christian camp alone together by chance, discovering our chemistry even as friends, laughing about topics as diverse as physics and broadway.

Fast forward five years and Matt, amidst his own cancer, rang my doorbell and sat across my bed to give me spiritual support on how to persevere in suffering. He sat there patiently until 11pm with his warm smile, tenderly answering all my questions and accusations against God. At the end of the night, I thanked him for coming and he responded with a surprising answer that flooded my heart with butterflies: he said verbatim “There’s no place I’d rather be.” After about six visits we literally just realized we were falling in love, hard. As Matt once said, “we never dated did we? We just fell in love.” I had finally found my unicorn, a quirky musical nerd just like me.

I would melt when Matt even said “Lara” in his deep voice. His calm demeanor absorbed my energetic disposition. Right before visits, I would perk up, get out of my pit of self-pity, and start preparing love songs to sing as he lay down. My dad would roll his eyes jealously, “Oh, Matt must be coming again.” To which I said, “Dad listen, this guy is the crème de la crème, a handsome evangelizing engineering PhD who likes politics and theology like me. Get with the program.” When I told Matt once his eyes were like beautiful chocolate almonds, he teased, “I didn’t know my eyes were edible.” I would mail him bright pink Victorian love letters with glitter addressed to “Trouble Silverman” to embarrass him in front of his roommates. I don’t know if it worked but he proposed a few months later. Then, when we took engagement photos at the Pulgas Water Temple, the verse on the temple happened to be Isaiah 43:20, which was my devotional verse that very morning in my Bible app. The more we thought about it we decided: this must be our wedding theme. Thus, God even orchestrated our wedding verse to teach how he gives believers streams of refreshing water in their desert times. This is our love story.

The measure of a life is not its duration but its donation. I told Matt on date one he was the closest representation of Christ I had ever met. It was irresistibly attractive. He gives all his money to charity, fasts when praying for others, teaches children, preaches internationally, and his eyes told the story of great perseverance in great suffering. Matt was cut from a different cloth: his entire countenance shined radiantly with Christ’s peace. Thus, I believe Matt’s greatest donation was his example of Christlikeness. I will tell you now about Matt’s four Godly traits that he exhibited to me in marital love.

1) First, Matt was driven by an unquenchable desire to grow in wisdom, which is why many called upon him to preach. I watched him edit sermons to perfection at night despite agonizing cancer pain. He even drove himself to a Christian camp for six hours — with his chemo pump hooked up to his chest I might add — to share his wisdom. Matt was a realist about interpersonal struggles in marriage, so he sought wisdom by joining a Christian men’s group called “Husbands with Grit.” His desire for wisdom had no endpoint; even when watching Ducktales, Matt lit up and informed me of the episode’s implicit moral lessons. I was obsessing over popcorn while he was analyzing the moral implications of stealing McDuck’s fortune. Living with someone so wise was frankly humbling; like a microscope convicting me of my sinful ways.

2) Matt’s second trait is that because of his own suffering, he instinctively displayed great compassion for others. When I first moved in, I found an old notebook where he meticulously scribbled people’s names, their specific needs, and the day of the week to pray. My heart melted. As for me, he made me feel extremely understood. He was constant and patient in my numerous outbursts against God as to why we’re suffering, answering my theological questions until 2am. He never once judged me for my bitterness, which is very easy to do when both spouses are struggling. Instead he gave me grace time and time again and gently prompted me, “God wants us to have joy in our suffering, right babe? Let’s try.” I was riding on the coattails of Matt’s faith, which literally upheld my own and helped me give up my idols like health and career. Words do not suffice to convey the transformative impact his compassion had on my personhood and faith.

3) Third, Matt was incredibly humble and servant hearted, laser focused on church, family, and his students. I watched him give lectures in sharp pain lying down in bed, putting his students’ needs over his own. Despite his literal brilliance, at bottom he was a simple man, giving no importance to pomp and circumstance. When I told him once he is the perfect Christian, he got flustered and said “Lara stop. I’m not perfect just like any sinner. Don’t idolize me.” So even in compliments, he stayed rooted in the gospel. Another example: I once surprised Matt with a fancy new wardrobe and he started tearing up and said: “I always felt guilty spending money on myself but I’m so happy my wife is taking care of me now.” It just never occurred to him to think of himself. Moreover, despite the fact that he wasn’t into theater, he sacrificially never once said NO to any of my silly requests to record skits at 10pm. He even sacrificed his ear drums, not making a single complaint while I screeched on violin at midnight. If that’s not sacrificial love, I don’t know what is. Instead, Matt fostered my passions, saying once: “Lara, you’re my Maria from Sound of Music. I was suffering and then you came into my life bringing music and joy.” For a musical lover like me, such a profound compliment flew me to the moon and back.

For a Type A engineer, Matt was also surprisingly romantic. The first time he put me in his car he said “me lady, your chariot awaits.” One time while he was in the hospital, I sent him an 1800s Spanish love song in which a lover picks flowers for his senorita in a field and didn’t think much more of it. A day later, Matt came home with not one but two large flower bouquets, saying “I just had to reenact that video you sent me and metaphorically pick flowers for my girl.” We sat there, shocked that he had made it out alive one more time.

4) Last, Matt was supernaturally courageous, teaching me how to go through this world fearlessly. Chemo after chemo, surgery after surgery, blood test, CAT scan, you name it, he came back, laid down, smiled and said the same thing every single time: “there’s my girl.” No bitterness. No fear. Some frustration? Yes. But not more. And in hospice, Matt went through an excruciating phase of not eating a crumb for nine weeks and watching his body deteriorate, without a SINGLE complaint to me about pain or dying young. It was shocking. And despite facing cancer twice, Matt praised God not only publicly but to me privately until his last breath — without a trace of bitterness — and only had immense peace and excitement about meeting his God. This is Matt Silverman. A model of Christlike submission to God’s will; a living testimony of what he preached. His courageous outlook bears powerful witness to the reality that for the Christian, death is nothing but a doorway into Christ’s presence forever. For this reason, I proclaim today: MY HUSBAND IS ALIVE RIGHT NOW! See John 11:25 (“Jesus said to her, ‘I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die.’”). THIS is the power of the gospel.

I will pivot here to thank God for blessing our short marriage. Falling in love amidst illness was a miracle in and of itself. Even after, Matt focused us on Ephesians 5:16 which says: “make the most of every opportunity for the days are evil.” Indeed, they say that those who are not scared to die are not afraid to live. So we didn’t waste time. We made Christian parodies, filmed a movie, started a theology and music YouTube channel, put on 3 musical concerts, gave 2 Christian testimonies, and raised $13,000 for Haiti. I say this not to boast but to bear witness to the truth of 2nd Corinthians 12:9, where God says, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Our productivity was a miracle because behind the scenes, we laid down holding hands for 50% of every day of our marriage. But time and time again I saw God give us strength, even in pain, to do the work He called us to do, making us “fruitful in the land of [our] affliction.” See Genesis 41:52.

I will not mince words: We begged God to give us a long life together. God answered NO. But, Matt always told me: “this life is a blip in light of eternity, so focus on eternal things.” 1st Corinthians 13 says, “Three things endure — faith, hope and love — and the greatest of these is love.” Thus, ultimately God did not deny us more beautiful years of mutual love. Matt and I will have all of ETERNITY to enjoy heaven together in resurrected bodies. This gives me unshakeable hope amidst my unfathomable loss. And as I cry out to God WHY?, I will remember one of Matt’s lasting legacies: his constant preaching that God has a sovereign and good PURPOSE for all suffering, even if we cannot understand it on this side of eternity. Thus, our love story — as tragic as it is — has great meaning to God.

Indeed, God’s story NEVER ends in ashes. This is the beauty of Christianity. Just look at Jesus hanging on the cross and then resurrecting miraculously. Thus, Matt’s story is not over, as much as it cuts like a knife now. When Matt first got diagnosed, the sermon series at church was the story of Joseph, and Matt drew great strength from that famous line in Genesis 50 that what Satan intends for evil, God intends for good. Three years later, the night Matt entered Heaven, I opened my Bible devotional and lo and behold it was on the Joseph story and it emphasized how God works all things for good, no matter how tragic. That’s NOT a coincidence; it’s an encouragement from God that there is a purpose to Matt’s story and this is NOT its end. And just as Joseph’s sufferings led to his premiership, I believe God will reward Matt immensely in heaven for suffering faithfully to achieve God’s hidden redemptive purposes. In Christianity, the cross always leads to glory.

I will end here: if grief is the price I have to pay for experiencing Matt’s love, I will pay it. Thank you Matt Silverman for all you gave me and letting me serenade you. Last summer, you gave me a special photo album titled “A musical love story.” Well, that story is not over. See you in heaven my sweet Matthew. I will love you until my dying breath.

Lara Silverman

June 12, 2024