Upon the passing of my beloved husband Matthew into Glory, these are the words God put on my heart.
Psalm 146:2 (“I will sing praises to my God with my dying breath.”). My brilliant, handsome, sweet and humble Matthew is the literal embodiment of these words, as everyone witnessed during his very public three year fight against cancer. And as the person in the front row seat, I can honestly tell you that despite facing death at such a young age and despite facing cancer twice, Matt praised God not only publicly but to me privately in our home until his very last breath — without a trace of bitterness or anger — and only had immense peace and excitement at the thought of meeting his Lord the moment after his death. Matt’s life and the way he calmly and peacefully approached suffering, pain and death is a witness to the reality that believers in Christ have NOTHING to fear because even our greatest enemy, death, is nothing but a doorway into the presence of Christ forever. Matt’s outlook despite his great suffering ultimately bears powerful witness to this biblical truth: “to live is Christ and to die is gain.” Philippians 1:21.
Eternal life after death is not a fairy tale nor a whimsical story made up just to get us through this broken world. Thus, every morning when I wake up and cry out to God “why?,” I proclaim to my heart this truth: MATT IS ALIVE. HE IS ALIVE RIGHT NOW! See John 11:25 (“Jesus said to her, ‘I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die.’”); see also 2nd Corinthians 5:8 (“We would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord.”). Matt is located in Heaven while I am still on earth and I may not know where Heaven is yet but that doesn’t matter: HE IS ALIVE!
This doesn’t take away my grief and pain of missing him desperately, but it gives me immense hope to remember that he is in fact ALIVE and in a better place than I am! While I am left behind to see what further work God has for me on earth — no matter how long — I know with certainty I will joyously reunite with my sweet love in Heaven with our Lord when it is my turn to go home too.
Some have asked how I am coping with the fact that my marriage to the love of my life lasted only one year. To this I answer: yes, I have lost all my dreams. Matt was an amazing husband to me in every respect: servant-hearted, giving, attentive, compassionate and protecting. He was constant and patient with me in my anger and outbursts against God about why we are suffering so greatly. When dating him, I asked myself “Am I really dating this remarkable guy? After waiting so long to find a Godly man, God is literally giving me the creme de la crème! He’s like a unicorn! He gives all his money to charity, he fasts in prayer for others, he spends his time teaching children the truth, and his big beautiful brown eyes tell the story of great perseverance in suffering.” I was and am madly in love with him. His love became my muse, inspiring me to discover new avenues of artistic pursuits I never considered before. Matt and I begged God every night to give us a long life together with children and other marital joys here on this earth. Matt’s faith was my rock, sheltering me and holding my own faith amidst my greatest storm of my own illness. Words simply do not suffice to convey the impact his romantic and agape love has had on my faith during my own valley of suffering. This grief is unbearable. Lord, why did you deny us more beautiful years on earth together? It makes no sense. I was waiting on pins and needles until the very end for a miracle from God. I am honestly still in shock.
But in my devastating heartbreak, I remind myself of Biblical principles Matt always wanted me to cling to. For the Christian, marriage — and any other earthly joy for that matter — is not the end goal. It is an absolutely beautiful gift but God intended it only as a temporary gift in a temporary broken world, i.e., it is only a foretaste of our greater and permanent marriage to Christ in heaven, where all believers will experience joys and pleasures forevermore in God’s presence with all other believers. See Psalm 16:11 (“Thy presence is fullness of joy; at Thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore.”). Whether one year or 50, marriage is meant only to give us great anticipation of our union with Christ in the afterlife.
Moreover, God miraculously blessed our short one year of marriage such that I console myself with the idea that we lived almost a full length marriage in just one year (in some sense). Even amidst our mutual pain, we produced Christian devotionals, musical Christian parodies, filmed a movie, started a theology and music YouTube channel, put on three jazz/violin/flute concerts, gave two Christian testimonies, and raised $13,000 for Haiti on our first year anniversary. I say this not to boast but to show how our marriage bears witness to the literal truth of 2nd Corinthians 12:9, where God says, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Time and time again I saw God give both of us miraculous strength, even in pain, to do the work He called us to do together, proving he still makes his followers “fruitful in the land of [their] affliction[s].” Genesis 41:52. What is more, if this one amazing year of intense love, joy, laughter and music with Matt is just a foretaste of our marriage in heaven to Christ, I can’t even imagine how wonderful that will be. See 1 Corinthians 2:9 (“No eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love him”).
There is a beautiful sight in Italy I want to share. Over the triple doorways of the Milan Cathedral there are three inscriptions spanning those magnificent arches. Above one is carved a wreath of roses, with the words, “All that pleases is but for a moment.” Over the second is a cross, with the words, “All that grieves is but for a moment.” Underneath the great central entrance to the main aisle is inscribed: “That only is important which is eternal.” As Matt always reminded me, someday we will all die, so we are wise to stay laser focused on eternal things. This life and its temporary gifts are just a blip in the context of eternity. Have you noticed that no matter how fulfilling an earthly blessing is — whether it’s food, travel or any other passion or pursuit — the pleasure and joy is fleeting/temporary and you are left needing more? Blaise Pascal famously said “there is a God-shaped vacuum in the heart of every [person] which cannot be filled by any created thing, but only by God.” We were made for heaven and for eternity with God, and our hearts are restless until we get there. I can almost hear Matt’s handsome and wise voice saying this right now: “Let’s focus on the eternal things today babe.” And what are those things? “There are three things that endure — faith, hope and love — and the greatest of these is love.” 1 Corinthians 13:13. Thus, although my earthly marriage is technically over, Matt’s love for me and my love for him will in fact endure forever. Ultimately, God did not deny us more beautiful years together: Matt and I will have ALL OF ETERNITY to enjoy each other, traveling the new heaven and new earth in resurrected bodies in the presence of Christ! See Revelation 21:1; 1 Corinthians 15:43. THIS is the power of the gospel.
There is one more issue that cannot be ignored in the face of this tragedy, i.e., the early death of a young warrior for good who impacted countless lives with his giving heart. Why did God take one of the most Godly among us, the one we need most in this broken world? Indeed, on our first “date” as boyfriend and girlfriend, I told Matt he was the closest representation to Christ I had ever met. It was irresistibly attractive. And at the end of his life, Matt courageously went through an excruciating phase of not eating a crumb for nine weeks straight and watching his body slowly deteriorate, without a SINGLE complaint to me about pain or anything else for that matter. This is Matt Silverman. A model of Christlike submission to God in every way.
So why on earth would God allow this tragedy? The answer is one of Matt’s lasting legacies: his constant preaching with the strongest kind of fervor that God has a sovereign and good eternal PURPOSE for all suffering, even if we cannot see the redemptive purpose on this side of eternity. Yes, as hard as it is to believe when it all seems senseless. This one theological fact got Matt and I through every night as we snuggled together in pain before falling asleep.
As Elisabeth Elliot wrote in “Suffering is Never for Nothing,” “faith’s most severe tests come not when we see nothing, but when we see a stunning array of evidence that seems to prove our faith vain… But when God’s answer is no, then we know that God has something better at stake. Far greater things are at stake. There is another level, another kingdom, an invisible kingdom which you and I cannot see now but toward which we move and to which we belong.” This fact is why Matt — who had ultimate credibility to do so — preached that we can and should rejoice in our sufferings because God is doing something we just cannot see yet. See Romans 5:3 (“We rejoice in our sufferings.”). Indeed, our very wedding theme was that God does not forsake us in our suffering and has a reason, and even helps us rejoice by giving us streams of refreshing water in the desert times. Our love story — as tragic as it is — had great meaning and purpose to God, no matter how short, and in that fact I rejoice today. I believe Matt would be proud of me for doing so.
I end on this: God’s story never ends in ashes. This is the beauty of Christianity. Just look at Jesus hanging on the cross and then resurrecting miraculously and appearing to countless witnesses. I will comfort myself every morning by preaching to myself that Matt’s story is not over. We just have to wait to see the end in eternity! Indeed, when Matt first got diagnosed with this cancer, the sermon series at our church was on the story of Joseph, and Matt drew great strength from and preached that famous line in Genesis 50:20 that what Satan intends for evil, God intends for good. Three years later, the night Matthew moved into Heaven, I opened my Bible devotional and lo and behold the meditation that day was on the Joseph story and it emphasized that God works all things for good, no matter how illogical and tragic, and that we will understand His purpose in eternity. That is not a coincidence; it’s an encouragement from God to us that there is a purpose to Matt’s story and this is not its end. Just as Joseph’s sufferings led to his premiership as prime minister of Egypt, I believe with all my heart that God will end Matt’s story by rewarding Matt immensely in heaven for suffering faithfully to achieve God’s hidden redemptive purposes. In Christianity, the cross always leads to glory.
God gave me the emotional strength right now to write this. It’s not me, it’s Him. Matt would want nothing more than the gospel proclaimed. I love you Matt Silverman with all my heart and will always love you until the day I join you and our Lord! Thank you for loving me and the church with all your heart. We will see you very soon.
With undying love,
Lara Silverman
June 20, 2024
