All the Small Things

Again perspective is making me reflect.

I’m discharged from the hospital for a couple of days now, after a month of admission. A month that changed absolutely everything.

The one thing I want to highlight though, is how it changed the value I give to things.

Life is a lot about valuing.

If you’re running towards pleasure you will seek to do things that are valuable to you. If you’re running away from pain, you tend to avoid what has lesser value.

Anyway, it doesn’t matter the life journey we are going through. We all want to live what we value most.

But wait.

How does one define what is valuable and what is not? How does one judge what’s important in life?

  • Happy hours after work. A nice cold beer with friends. It used to be elementary till I could no longer drink.
  • The process of washing and taking care of my hair. It held so much regard till my hair stopped being mine.
  • Being a high performer, work hard. My number one priority before my only project became my health.

There are so many other examples I can give of what I valued before cancer — they all bring me to the following matter:

If you lose most of what you value, where do your regards go then? And how do you recognize new value that will keep you going?

I started rating.

  • Waking up to the sunlight instead of a nurse wanting to check my blood pressure, in a scale of 1 to 5 is a 5.
  • Walking to the bathroom to do the things we do in a bathroom in my own pace is definitely a 5.
  • Having conversations with people that no longer need a mask to be around me, 4.
  • Going out, breathing non-ac warm air. Seeing the people, the movement. Hearing the noise. Initially I thought 4, after the 4th day out it’s a 3.
  • Eating whatever food I want instead of what’s available in the hospital’s vegetarian menu, that’s a 6.

And I can keep on going.

Point being, there’s so much more left to appreciate that we don’t realize normally.

The so called “small things” which go unnoticed, but right now are the ones that make my life pulse.

For the last 16 days of my first phase of chemo, I’m craving for more and more small things and the happiness of realizing their value.

For the rest of my life, I’m craving to never forget how much they are worth, and how to be someone worthy of them.

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