Perspective

Today was the 20th day of chemo. It all feels like a lifetime.

When it started I had to read about side effects. The secondary, undesirable effects of a medical treatment — the cost-benefit for your body to get better. I had to go through at least 6 articles about them: most common ones, least common ones. I had to be aware.

And make no mistake, a bunch of them came. Sometimes at the same time. Spike fever, breathlessness, tachycardia, indisposition, headache, nausea, vomiting, unexpected bleeding, coughing, lack of appetite…

Those days are what I call the “not so good” ones. When the pain is such that being focused, being strong, being positive… It all becomes really hard.

To live becomes a struggle. To give up seems like such an easier option. And you feel like the worst person in the world to even think of doing so.

My biggest fight then was to work on my essence. To make the inside so strong that it would support the outside even when the outside could not support itself.

On the 14th day of chemo my doctor wrote to me “better days are just around the corner”. Which seemed too optimistic to me, given my state at the time.

Then I learnt, optimism is just a way to look at things. It’s a perspective. You can choose it or not.

But when you do, it gives you strength.

Today was my 20th day of chemo. And I am getting stronger, I am feeling stronger.

Today was my 20th day of chemo. My blood counts are improving day by day, so is my immunity and my susceptibility to infections.

Today was my 20th day of chemo. All the bruises and internal bleedings I got in my body before the diagnosis are gone. Even the ones I got after that, when they weren’t able to find my veins are gone.

Today was my 20th day of chemo. And they are actually able to find my veins now.

Today was my 20th day of chemo. I left the ICU for the first time since I got admitted last month.

Today was my 20th day of chemo. 20 days are done, I’ve already made this far and the finish line is now closer.

Today was my 20th day of chemo. It does feel like a lifetime, but it also feels like a heartbeat.

It’s all about perspective, you know. And I chose the optimistic one.