Yes You Can
In today’s America dreams can come true. You can aim high and succeed. You can aspire to heights you never thought possible. You can even be a part of America’s most exciting and dynamic industry. Yes, you can be a coal miner.
Remember all the fun you had as a child digging holes in the backyard. You would dig and dig and dig some more, get really muddy and dirty and you didn’t care at all. Now think about doing that all day long, sometimes seven days a week for 10 or 12 hours a day. Well that’s what coal miners do and you can do it too.
That’s why we’re so excited to announce the Eric and Donald Jr’s Online University of Coal Mining Science, the only educational institution anywhere teaching the skills necessary for success in this growing field. Sign up now and for a reasonable down payment and a small monthly fee, late penalties apply, you’ll soon be learning digging, shoveling, ore extraction, shallow breathing and other techniques used by Americas’ most successful fossil fuel entrepreneurs.
I’m not from Kentucky or West Virginia, no one in my family suffers from emphysema or asthma and I don’t have a hacking cough. Can I still be a coal miner?
Yes you can. Coal mining is an occupation open to all true Americans. As long as you’re ambulatory, can bend low enough to clear a three foot opening, can work for hours on your knees, sneer when anyone mentions the EPA and can currently breathe with or without a respirator you can apply.
I’ve heard that coal mining is dangerous. Should I be worried about cave-ins or mine explosions?
Remember those South American miners trapped underground for 69 days. Well guess what they’re doing now? Many of them are living high on the hog and some have even become players in the entertainment industry advising movie companies on exciting true to life narrative films. Sure they were trapped underground and it was a little warm and dusty but their plight quickly won them worldwide recognition. They became darlings of the press and media rubbing shoulders with politicians and celebrities. Is there any other field you can think of where a little set back creates that kind of opportunity?
Doesn’t coal mining lead to debilitating and fatal lung and respiratory diseases? Should this concern me?
Mining, at least for now, is a strictly regulated industry. And even if safety regulations are revised or lifted mine owners cherish their workers. As a result company policies make it likely that worker longevity will increase. As a miner you can expect to practice your craft for at least 10 to 12 years. And even if you do succumb to a respiratory related condition — and coal mining’s actual connection to fatal lung diseases is still up for debate — there are remedies you or your heirs can pursue.
Have you ever seen those ominous TV commercials about mesothelioma? You know, the ads that are written in a typewriter font with a voice over that’s kind of alarmist. Well those are produced by personal injury lawyers who are available to help victims of lung related conditions. Many of those law firms have been very successful getting their clients or their heirs’ huge cash rewards. So you’re not alone. And with current advances in portable breathing assist devices, after your settlement you can still enjoy a relaxing retirement kind of life sleeping, reading, sorting medications, watching television, sleeping, visiting physicians, sorting new medications, speaking on the phone with a health insurance representative, watching television all in the company of a friendly, professional home health aide.
So don’t be shy and count yourself out. Or limit yourself to a dead end job without the potential for fame and riches. Imagine how proud you’ll feel at the next social gathering or funeral when someone approaches your wheelchair and inquires about your line of work and you catch your breathe and reply or write on the dry erase board you carry to communicate. Me, what did I do? I was a coal miner!