I can’t help that.

Oi, can you elaborate about topic xxx to me?
Can I see your notes?
*hurriedly walks towards me with questions in her head* I want to ask about xxx, xxx, and xxx. Please explain that. 
So, you haven’t studied yet? Me too, but it must’ve because the material is easy for you that it needs lesser time for you to learn it.

It certainly feels awesome to be that someone whom everyone is looking for in the midst of problems. Like a hero that saves the day. Or sometimes, even greater. Like one of the gods that dwells between the clouds who’s willing to go down to help. (Well, actually one of my teacher did say that I’m up above the sky, residing in clouds hahah — wait what?) Just call its name and voila your helper will come when you seek for it.

Oh, before you read through all these passages, this is a catharcic post, I warn you.

As a person that’s easily affected by expectations, sometimes it is helping me that my acquaintances are seeking for my help, especially in academic stuffs — because that’s one thing I’m good at. Like, because of their expectations that I can explain all of those things, I eager to learn more and study earlier (sometimes) just to fulfill their expectations. It’s good, really.

But, one thing that they sometimes don’t consider is that your “half-god friend” does not always come strong and solid. She is weak, I tell you. But again, I take that as a whip to myself to come out strong and solid during the days. Just to fit the ideal that is already marked upon me. Adjusting to them. Because if I don’t, with what can I attract these people? And as I muttered this question, I also think this question indicates that I need these people and I cannot just ditch their requests.

Why?

It is a bad thing, though — it is because I see my worth by looking at their feedbacks. But I can’t find anything else besides that.

Their expectations and feedbacks are what makes me, ‘me’.

It sometimes feels amazing that I excel at almost everything (or so they say, and that makes me strive for it); but often, I feel worthless when I see someone who’s better than me. Their overloaded expectations of me have been internalized by me and therefore create an unstable sense of worth of myself — that I am worthy because they see me as worthy. And when they don’t see me as a worthy one, I’ll feel worthless.

It is when I see them asking for help from other people (and not me) and it feels like I’m being compared to that person and I lost. There’s no battle declared between us, but it’s just kind of automatic. I know it is wrong. I know it is dysfunctional, but I can’t help to think:

Am I not good enough to be asked for help?

On the other hand, I also tend to feel irritated when someone keep asking for my help and being dependent to me. Especially when every time he/she contact me is just to ask for help for his/her own merit. I feel like I’m just being used!

Then the inner me says: But you see your worth from your capacity to help others, right? So just help, really! Keep stacking your ‘helping points’ and add a smile with it. It looks good.

It compulsively runs inside my head in a chaotic manner throughout the day.

But in the end, I don’t want to blame the people who have put their expectations on me, especially the ones whom expectations I can successfully fulfill. It what makes me, ‘me’. Without their expectations, I am not sure that I can be what I am now. I achieved many things, thanks to them!

But still, it’s my attitude towards them that needs to be ‘fixed’.

I still wonder what the solution is.

But the bad thing is, the title that’s been put on me doesn’t allow me to ask for help. I am that half-god friend. I should not ask for help or else I’ll be inferior.

But truthfully, I am already inferior from the start that I constantly seek for others’ positive feedbacks to go on. :)


Bonus: a drawing I made that concludes all these paragraphs actually intend to say.

you can find me on: @lachrimale

I appreciate your willingness to read through all of these mess. It helps to loosen my mind a bit by writing irritating thoughts onto a medium (named Medium, lol).

’Til it gets better!


2017. May. 1
 — LALG