Create stronger emotional bonds through an exchange of shame and compassion
In Brené Brown’s words “Shame is an epidemic in our culture” (18:07). Presently, it is an issue difficult to get a lid on for never before has it been easier to compare your ‘shattered’ personal truths[1] with the picture-perfect lives of everybody else. We feel lacking or unworthy when looking at others’ social media photos or when hearing their rehearsed daily-life accounts and carefully selected complaints. At the same time, ironically, the world is encouraging us to be more empathetic. Anyone who works in HR, counsels, teaches, or engages in teamwork is often reminded that empathy and compassion are key. What no one tells you is how to actually go about attaining empathy. There is little practical advice except the usual piece which is “try to see if from the other person’s perspective” or “try to be a bit more open-minded.” This seems like an unrealistically high expectation to have of ourselves for we are acutely aware of only our suffering. What I suggest is an exchange of shame and compassion. Share something that makes you feel ashamed, weak, scared, or feel terrible with someone you are close to or even a friend you only usually have time to catch up with. Offer them the option to do same so that it becomes an exchange of both shame and compassion, thereby eliminating the room for judgement. This recommendation I propose is based on Alain de Botton’s suggestion to do so with a stranger. Brené Brown also promotes this thinking. Many of their lectures have inspired this train of thought, but de Botton’s discussion on Emotional Education was instrumental in bringing me to writing this article.
…for never before has it been easier to compare your ‘shattered’ personal truths with the picture-perfect lives of everybody else.”
It is not uncommon for us to hide away from our weaknesses, vulnerability, and shame. We collect skeletons in our closets. At night, when we are sleeping, those skeletons come out and wake us up from our dreams. I mean, skeletons do not have much else to do in closets, so they become restless. At night when they come out, we wrestle with them for a while, but finally succeed in pushing them back into the closet until they work out a way to get out again. Sometimes, we can hear them stirring during the day, but then we put on our earpods to ignore their banging.
… skeletons do not have much else to do in closets, so they become restless.
The problem is we cannot see everyone else’s fears and skeletons because they, like us, keep them carefully hidden. We do not hear their persistent knocking. What we do see, after a sleepless night, is men and women both drinking strong cups of coffee fighting the effects of exhaustion. In fact, we rarely see people as they really are for so many of us are truly afraid of the truth — what we are. For example, women wear make up to hide their skin imperfections such as sunspots and to enhance the beauty they are lacking themselves.
While we are carefully locking up our skeletons, others are carefully locking up theirs. It becomes more and more difficult to confide in others, for we think we alone suffer from shame, vulnerability, and weakness. Fortunately, we suffer a tragedy or break down which finally brings these issues to light. These are some reasons why we initially do not reach out to our family members and friends before a break down or tragedy:
· Social media: the depiction of and living the perfect life online
· The entertainment industry: our present binge-watching habits intimately connect us to people who are not real and lead fantastic lives while distancing us from those who suffer and are weighed down by the pain of reality
· Acceptance of meritocracy and equality: we believe we are all equal, but this hardly plays out, so we end up blaming ourselves and taking our failures personally[2]
…we end up blaming ourselves and taking our failures personally
The above accumulate and compound leaving us feeling very lonely, envying the lives of others which seem much more exciting, fulfilled, and engaging. Our own lives feel boring, draining and severely lacking. Beyond this, we feel paralysing shame that our lives are unfulfilled and miserable. To add to this, we feel crippling pain remembering our most shameful experiences. When comparing the perfect picture of Facebook lives, messenger app profile pictures and even our friends’ carefully constructed account of their lives, our personal truths and lived experiences seem very much inferior. We do not see how empty and painful their lives really are nor do we believe they feel as much shame and self-loathing as we do.
For this reason, it is incredibly hard to be empathetic to people who seem to have more than us. Honestly, if you desired being in a relationship your whole life yet enjoyed no such luck, it will be almost impossible for you to feel compassionate to someone who is complaining about trivial relationship problems (at the same time, probably hiding their deepest fears). It might make you feel slightly more at peace with yourself for not having such worries, but most likely will lead you to despair on your lack of love-life.
“The display of vulnerability is actually the only root to friendship. You cannot become friends with any human being on the planet without showing a bit of yourself which they could use against you, which they could use to humiliate you.” de Botton
I would like to suggest we do share things we are ashamed of with our closest friends and even family members (perhaps our mothers can be spared the ordeal) for this can bring us closer. According to de Botton, “The display of vulnerability is actually the only root to friendship. You cannot become friends with any human being on the planet without showing a bit of yourself which they could use against you, which they could use to humiliate you.” [18H33–18H47] Therefore using de Botton’s statement, I propose an exchange of shame and compassion with our loved ones based on the following points:
· Let us break down this concept of a perfect human being. It is both tiring to try maintain the image of being perfect and it is draining to keep believing others are perfect.
· It is hard to be compassionate to others if we see them as ideal or morally superior beings. If people honestly tell you things that are really shameful (their number one shame story) it will make you quickly realise there is nothing perfect about any human being and perhaps our envy will dissipate.
· If we share our vulnerabilities, then we have to go through the extremely uncomfortable process of getting off our high horses and start packing away our moral pitchforks.
· At the same time, we can make space in our closets to store more useful things as opposed to skeletons.
· We will be humbler and caring.
Brown proposes “If we’re going to find our way back to each other, vulnerability is going to be that path.” [19H19] I suggest Brown’s advice, namely, sharing vulnerability and weakness with those dear to us to create stronger bonds. Furthermore, it takes courage to be vulnerable and admit that you are weak and scared. Alternatively, it takes vulnerability to be brave for you can only show courage at the times when you are afraid.
[1] C.F The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast #1254 where Dr. Phil describes how we compare our personal truth to the façade we see of others. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=65epASHLblo
[2] Alain De Botton, in his TedTalk A Kinder, Gentler Philosophy provides a more wholesome explanation on why Meritocracy causes us to suffer and why we take our failures personally. https://www.ted.com/talks/alain_de_botton_a_kinder_gentler_philosophy_of_success/transcript?language=en#t-369247
[3] Brené Brown, in her TedTalk Listening to Shame. https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame?language=en
