AVOIDANTS
By Laster Stoney Ogola
Introduction
Hello reader, welcome to this issue of ‘Avoidants.’ This will focus on the Avoidant Attachment style and how they relate with the other styles in the attachment theory spectrum. If you have not yet read the first one, you will not miss quite as much on how attachment theory works as a review of it and its components is provided in chapter one. But, it is highly recommended you get yourself that copy, as it contains deeper insight on the said theme.
The paragraphs below provide the reasons this issue was written, and end with the definitions for some of the terms you will encounter in this book. Chapter two to five contain responses from previous readers and anecdotal surveys done over 20 years. Note the use of aliases for confidentiality. Answers are provided using the best knowledge on attachment theory and human behavior. Although the book seems to be aimed at romantic connections, the responses apply to all areas of a person’s life: friendship, marriage, family and workplace etc. To reduce verbosity some responses to a question or comment are provided in another or in chapter one.
Now, the reasons for this book’s existence are quite many, some of which are not included for obvious reasons. Firstly, many people find it inevitable to connect with friends or family members who might appear “difficult” — rude or offensive and unsociable. However, other connections are with people who appear kind or compassionate but very compulsive.
Also, as the romantic climate is shifting, people are embracing newer approaches to navigate romantic relationships. Influences from relationship coaches involve a combination of out-dated African beliefs and post-modern strategies. Experiences with tens of people indicate mixed results with each one still forcing the other partner to love them more. They seem to be unaware that people love differently due to psychological, physiological, philosophical and or physical limitations. These emerge from childhood trauma, relationships, accidents, societal pressures and others.
Additionally, mental health is pervasive yet the country is constrained by inadequate resources to solve it. Even the trained individuals fail to find employment and those who do are underpaid and cannot access their target population. Nevertheless, we must aim for fulfilling relationships and healthier families to reduce the growing numbers of hurtful and hurting people.
Before we delve further in the book, the definitions of the concepts below might be of great importance to understand the content. Note that they do not follow a strict rule or literal meaning. Each definition is either a sentence or a description composed of words stringed together to be understood by a layman:
Autonomy: a person’s ability to act and make decisions without being controlled.
Boundary: what you expect and how you expect to be treated in a relationship. For example you or your partner should cook every day, clean the house, and call you daily among others.
Bread-crumbing: stringing someone along with small hints of interest such as occasional ‘I love you,’ text, phone calls, date plan or social media interaction without follow through.
Compulsive: a behavior that a person finds seemingly difficult to stop, such as excessive eating, complaining, quarrelling, fighting and others.
Conscious: the thoughts, actions or decisions you make voluntarily.
Core wound; a deep emotional pain formed from a significant experience and suppressed in the subconscious.
Emotions: a strong feeling such as love, fear, anger, jealousy, excitement, happiness, joy, sadness.
Empathize: to understand and feel another person’s feelings and experiences.
Fight or flight mode: to either run away or engage in an argument or physical assault as a way to navigate a threatening situation.
Flip-flop: to make a sudden or unexpected reversal in decision or belief, attitude, or policy among others.
Ghosting: ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication.
Incongruence: lack of consistency or appropriateness in behavior, attitude, action, emotions and others.
Micro-expression: facial expressions that only last for a short moment: happiness, sadness, anger, disgust, fear, surprise.
Mould: to strongly influence the way somebody’s character, opinions develop.
Narcissist: a person with an unhealthy sense of self-importance while ignoring other people’s feelings. They need excessive praise and admiration; frequently demeans, intimidates, bullies, or belittles others and can exploit them without guilt.
Needs: requirements for someone to live in a comfortable way or achieve what they want, for example romance, sex, phone calls, acknowledgment, and motivation.
Numbing: act of distracting yourself to avoid feeling or paying attention to pain or anything. For example: watching television or pornography, playing video games, reading novels, physical exercise, sex, prayer.
Passive aggressive: indirectly expressing negative feelings instead of openly addressing them. For example ghosting, not responding to your spouse because they annoyed you.
Pedestal: to admire someone so much that you fail to notice their faults.
Rebound relationship: a relationship one engages in after one has ended to stop pain and sadness.
Soothe: to calm down when anxious, upset or in pain.
Stereotype: a fixed idea or image that many people have of a particular type of person or thing, but which is often not true in reality. For example every man cheats or is a liar; nothing is free in this world; every woman loves men with money; everyone from a particular tribe has the same personality, intellect etc.
Stonewalling: when someone completely shuts down in a conversation or is refusing to communicate with another person.
Strategy: a way of doing something.
Subconscious: the part of your mind that contains feelings that you are not aware of such as why you fear the existence of ghosts, curses, witchcraft and demons even without seeing them.
Sympathize: to feel sorry about somebody’s problem and show that you understand and care.
Trait: a particular quality in someone’s personality.
Trauma: is something someone could not process properly at the time it happened, such as an accident, abuse, and illness.
Trigger: to make something happen suddenly.
Vulnerable: weak and easily hurt physically or emotionally.
CHAPTER ONE
Basic Attachment Theory
Attachment theory is a psychological, evolutionary and ethological theory concerning relationships between humans. Formulated by psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby, the theory’s most important tenet is that young children need to develop a relationship with at least one of their parent, guardian, or caregiver for normal social and emotional development.
Infants tend to primarily seek proximity to an attachment figure (familiar person) during stressful situations. They become attached to those who are sensitive and responsive in social interactions with them, and who remain consistent for some months during the period from about six months to two years of age. During the latter part of this period, children begin to use attachment figures as a secure base to explore from and return to. If the parent/guardian consistently denies them access, say by abandonment, rejection and neglect, an avoidant organization develops.
Early experiences and attachments of infants with the parent/guardian slowly give rise to a system of thoughts, memories, beliefs, expectations, emotions, and behaviors about the self and others. This continues to develop with time and experience. And will likely be applied in later relationships including friendships and romantic connections. These experiences push a person to embrace different beliefs about friends, romantic love period, availability, trust of a partner and love readiness among others.
Attachment styles in adults are divided into the secure and the insecure attachment. The latter is divided into the anxious preoccupied, the dismissive avoidant and fearful avoidant. Relationally, insecure individuals tend to be partnered with insecure ones, and the secure individuals with secure ones. Relationships between two insecure people tend to persist but less emotionally satisfying compared to that of two secures.
Take note that these attachment styles exist on a spectrum, implying that the traits expressed in one attachment may overlap with another. Similar traits may overlap with different personality disorders such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), Psychopathic Personality Disorder, and Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) among others. But it should be clear that referring to attachment styles as personality disorders is very debatable. The descriptions of the four different attachment styles widely known at the moment are:
The Dismissive Avoidant (DA)
This style is formed when a person had a consistently absentee or emotionally unavailable parent or guardian during their childhood. When they needed to share their emotions, they were consistently rejected, shamed or criticized or belittled for doing so. Others were forced by their parent/guardian to behave a certain way such as boys should bully girls, or avoid crying no matter the pain, or should not bathe with warm water or cook or should not fall in love because it does not make sense. Others were told ‘getting low grades in class is for the stupid’ among others. Children of celebrities and public figures or pastors were consistently reminded that they would only get married to specific people. Others were consistently rewarded for finishing a task, say doing house chores, and punished if they failed.
In childhood, our brain is fragile and still developing and therefore unlikely to question a parent’s actions or inactions. The child instead takes responsibility of the cause, which leads to a lot of painful thoughts. They tell themselves negative stories; ‘I am unimportant,’ ‘I am defective,’ ‘I am bad.’ To lessen this pain they develop coping strategies which unintentionally suppress the trauma in the subconscious. The strategies include avoiding vulnerability or closeness to an attachment figure, since these are associated with potential criticism, abandonment, rejection and shame. This is achieved through self-soothing when in pain, numbing when lonely, working for their needs and devising their own solutions to any challenge they encounter.
Since we view a parent/guardian as models on which to mirror the world and how to relate to others, the DA believed that people should be independent, not vulnerable and emotionless. Some DAs are social though at a much superficial level rather than deep connections. They prefer being attached to things or situations that do not require heavy emotional investment such as cars, job, games, pets rather than romantic partners. This avoids triggering the stored or repressed trauma; from the subconscious to the conscious.
They create high levels of self-esteem by investing disproportionately in their careers and property to avoid seeking other’s validation and acceptance. In fact when it comes to the opinions of others about themselves, they may seem very indifferent and are relatively hesitant to positive feedback from people. This does not imply that they hate compliments; they simply feel uncomfortable if it is overwhelming.
DAs are always in fight or flight mode, which makes them avoid even the slightest conflict to feel safe. They try as much as possible to avoid arguments and conversations that may lead to criticism, rejection and shame. This explains why they either have a few trusted old friends whom they feel safe around or almost never have friends. However, the aloneness increases their susceptibility to depression as they age. Also, being solitary attracts criticism from other insecure attachments, who accuse them of egoism and stinginess thus causing them more depression.
During conversations the DA is better at listening than talking that is why many of them seem reserved and private. Some of them seem distant during conversations while others are constantly distracting themselves or interrupting conversations if it sounds ‘preachy’ or lecturing. They often focus on passers-by, or start singing a song while you talk. They hardly express what they feel; instead share what they think, say, how work or a football team could be improved, what they read. They avoid responses like ‘the weather is making me feel lonely’ or ‘he makes me feel happy’ or ‘I feel satisfied today.’
In fact they open up or respond to deep or emotional issues regarding their past or trauma, flaws and fears when a partner is quite faraway or is about to leave to another district or country. The DA can also open up if they are sure the relationship is unlikely to succeed, say when dating a tourist, married person, stranger, alcoholic, or mentally challenged person. They assume that the emotional bond will remain weak hence the pain from being shamed, rejected or criticized is insignificant.
They hate changing their awareness or opinion about something unless given a strong convincing reason to do so. That is why they resist changes in politics, cultural belief, technology, medicine, fashion trends, surroundings, routine and others. They are not good with surprises, a reason why a partner should never just show up to their home without their prior consent. Do not buy them a romantic gift before discussing their preferences. Remember such treatment might be unfamiliar to them since they got used to meeting their own needs.
They are very analytical and want things to be quantifiable and more predictable. For example if you tell them, ‘I love you!,’ they want to understand what exactly is meant by that. Like what is love or what exactly is it that you love about them. They can get irritated easily and some can find you annoying if they perceive you do not respect their boundaries and opinion. This happens because they may have not learnt how to communicate in a healthy way what they find annoying.
DAs do not want to beat around the bush but rather get straight to the point — ‘they call a spade a spade.’ They can call you on the phone and immediately proceed to ask you what they want instead of first asking if you are fine. A DA can say they hate you if they do not like you. Other reactions include, ‘you’re bad!’ ‘You’re stupid or foolish or useless or insane!’ if they perceive that you are not the exact opposite of these terms. They perceive things in binary or ‘black and white’ and hardly take time to process these situations, hence unlikely to be remorseful in the short run. For example they may believe that every man wearing dreadlocks is a lowlife or every female wearing a skimpy skirt is a sex worker. This could make them short-sighted since they do not believe their victim may experience change in financial status, knowledge, and skills among others. They are compulsively ‘nit-picky’ and seek for flaws in people; say their height, body size, sex, dressing, mannerisms, tribe, financial status and others to avoid interactions.
A DA, especially a high DA, hardly plans or makes promises such as when to get married, have children or buy someone a gift. They hate it when people have expectations on them since this may lead to conflict. Low DAs may plan a year without specifying the actual date because they are uncertain how they will feel when the time comes to fulfil the plan or promise. You will notice that when they are asked, say when they want to get married, they respond, ‘when the right time comes’ or ‘when God decides’ or ‘two years from now, I think.’
The Anxious Preoccupied (AP)
This attachment style is formed in childhood when a person is overly reliant on their parent/guardian for emotional attachment. They fail to learn how to regulate their own feelings when in distress. Whenever the attachment figure was unavailable they felt alone, rejected, abandoned and unsafe. Some APs developed unhealthy manipulation and gas-lighting tactics to get their needs met. They could cry or avoid eating dinner to ensure their parent stayed closer to them, or even bought them a doll or bicycle.
Another cause is a person’s provision of regular emotional support to a baby, a patient or a person with disability while ignoring own emotional needs. This pushes them to be more vigilant to that person’s needs. And in the person’s absence they will find it strange hence need to find another attachment figure that they should care for. If they sustain such beliefs for years, they will eventually start telling themselves: ‘I am unimportant without the other,’ ‘I am not worthy to be in a relationship if I can’t provide emotional support.’
Therefore they stored these painful memories and negative emotions deep in the subconscious, instead of addressing them. And every time they feel lonely, or rejected, or abandoned these core wounds are triggered and resurface to the conscious. As they grew, they became clingy to other people to avoid these triggers and feel safe. Unlike the DA, this inability to self-soothe leads to increased anxiousness around the potential of rejection, abandonment, and criticism by another person. The AP will subsequently do anything in their power (either toxic or healthy) to stop it from happening. Toxic strategies include manipulation, gas-lighting, intimidation and others.
They generally express traits such as friendliness and generosity. Others can be wise and quite aware about human behavior. They can be needy, hence requiring constant phone calls, texts, validation and love from their friend/partner to soothe and feel safe. And if they are not noticed they get annoyed and can attach negative meaning to the situation. Such as ‘they are doing that because I’m not good enough,’ ‘I am unimportant,’ ‘I’m not that cute!’ ‘I’m not loved that is why they did not give my Facebook post a like!’ And this is why passive aggression from their partner hurts them so much.
The AP tends to over explain the situation or things instead of getting straight to the point. They can be very vigilant about other people’s needs and ignore or lack awareness of their own and boundaries hence impressionable. For example, the AP will minimize their desires just to hear their partner say, ‘I love you too’ or ‘you’re so handsome’ or ‘you are girlfriend of the year,’ ‘can I help you with paying some of the bills?’ Other needs may include helping them with laundry work, having sex, or buying them chocolate and flowers on Valentine’s Day. The AP will either stay silent or unclear about these needs. They will instead hope for the partner or friend to notice. This is in part due to the AP’s belief that in order for their needs to be met they must give more to the person which might not work. This makes them exposed to narcissists who may do these just to play with their feelings. Later the AP becomes painfully frustrated and could become either secure or avoidant and leave the relationship. Alternatively, they can become passive aggressive. For example a wife may choose to deny her husband sex instead of communicating about the lack of money at home, or ignoring to help with house chores.
In a romantic connection the AP is more often than not the pursuer of the relationship. They will put their partner or friend on a pedestal to prevent abandonment. They overly focus on the relationship, placing less emphasis on other areas of life such as career, friends and family members. They can abandon their religion, norms or ideology for their partner’s. The AP tends to look way too far into things: a partner’s text message or a face-to-face conversation. For example they may assume the partner is micro-cheating through ambiguous text messages and mysterious phone calls. Or the partner is uninterested in them if they avoid maintaining eye contact during a romantic date. Or, the partner does not love them if they failed to celebrate their birthday.
The Fearful Avoidant (FA)
FAs are also called the anxious-avoidant since they express both the anxious and avoidant traits mentioned above. It is also known as the disorganised attachment style because they have an inconsistent emotional state. The FA had a dysfunctional childhood, with their parent/guardian flip-flopping in showing up for their emotional needs. The parent could have been at least one of these: emotionally volatile, mentally unstable, drug addict, alcoholic, compulsive or narcissistic.
The parent/guardian could be hot one minute and cold the next. They could be emotionally, verbally, physically, or sexually abusive and neglecting the victim’s emotional needs certain times while being available and loving another. This caused the child to develop a lack of trust towards their parent’s kindly status quo, and constantly expecting chaos to happen any moment. Since a child’s brain is still forming, they assume the chaos results from them (child) being bad, unimportant, and not good enough among others. These negative stories and memories are suppressed and stored in the subconscious instead of being addressed.
As stated above, in childhood we view our parent/guardian as the primary source of emotional distress as well as whom we mirror the world and how we should relate to others. Therefore, if we overly distrust our parent/guardian, chances are high this will spread to any relationship we form. If we subconsciously assume chaos or conflict could happen any moment at home, the same belief will likely be perpetuated in our future connections including friendship and marriage. These predictions are done to soothe.
FA adults tend to have a negative outlook on life compared to APs and DAs. They often believe that marriages and friendships are or should be chaotic, people want to harm them, and people must be controlling to feel safe. FAs are generally hyper-vigilant towards people’s needs which cause them to constantly read their emotions, micro-expressions, body language, speech patterns and change in tone of voice. Empathy for people helps them learn a lot about human behavior, thus able to predict how one would react in a given situation. For example in a workplace they can easily tell when their superiors are about to lose control. However, the FA often ignore their own needs and boundaries assuming that meeting other’s would appease them hence ensure safety from abuse, control, abandonment and conflict among others.
Like an AP, the FA could be an over-giver because they want to earn their worth in a friendship, romantic relationship or family. For example they can buy crates of soda or alcohol to friends in a pub on borrowed money. Or, they could provide a lot of money to a potential partner to guarantee their worthiness in marriage. This can lead them to perfectionism, which on the plus side can make them super high achievers such as inventors, entrepreneurs, scholars and athletes among others. However, being a workaholic could force them to sabotage romantic relationships because they want to achieve better than they currently have, to feel safe in it.
FAs tend to have mixed feelings about close relationships, both desiring it while expressing discomfort. They are subject to limerence which is a state of mind resulting from intense romantic or non-romantic feelings for another person while concerned to have those feelings reciprocated. This happens because they intensely suppress their romantic feelings. This makes them push away potential partners for those who are unattainable such as celebrities, politicians and fictional characters.
The FA can be anxious when with a DA or a more controlling person and avoidant if with a more anxious one. The more avoidant person is often dismissive towards them. So to avoid potential abandonment, criticism and rejection, like an AP, they work hard to prove their worthiness by putting their partner on a pedestal and pulling them. If with an AP, like the DA they do not want a relationship that may lead to intimacy or vulnerability or being put on a pedestal, so they push the person away by ‘nit-picking’ their flaws, ridiculing them and playing hard to get among others. This is also observed at workplaces, friendships and other relationships.
The FA also seems to seek both pain and pleasure around connection, by flip-flopping on whether they want their partner to treat them as worthy of love or not. This is noticeable in societies with a strong belief that every man cheats, or is controlling. Here a woman tends to despise the non-controlling man, yet will hate it when the man is. A similar scenario is evident where a man is expected to be richer than his wife. A man will prefer the one who hates the idea but will end up marrying those who crave for rich men.
They can also be social and charismatic but may not have the moulding to achieve that in a romantic relationship. This is expressed through being social, workaholic and innovative, and assertive in decision-making. Since they are poor at establishing personal boundaries they tend to withdraw during challenging times in a romantic relationship. They find it hard to navigate the relationship while taking care of other people’s needs, like contributing towards birthdays, weddings, funerals, baby showers, actively caring for the sick, and performing duties meant for their workmates.
Since their subconscious is familiar with chaos, FAs often crave for opportunities to gossip, backbite or eavesdrop. This leads to hostility in their neighborhood, workplace and romantic relationship. The FAs can be both intensely suspicious and way too trusting and open with people who may lead them into trouble especially after revealing private stories, feelings and thoughts about themselves and others. The FA will soon process what they revealed and suffer with chronic guilt and shame. FAs usually struggle with alcohol and drug addiction, probably due to past trauma or trying to suppress the need to feel their emotions.
They struggle with small talk but are rather deep connectors unlike DAs who prefer surface level friendships. Unlike DAs they need novelty such as adventure, surprises, gifts, and a romantically creative partner. Passive rejection hurts the FA, and when a person is not paying attention to them during a conversion, say by typing on their phones or focusing on passers-by. Instead of asking for the person’s attention, they may assume they are boring the person.
The Secure Attachment style
Securely attached adults in a romantic connection will generally appear in the following ways: excellent at conflict resolution, mentally flexible, effective communicators, avoid manipulating others, comfortable with closeness, quickly forgiving, viewing sex and emotional intimacy as one, believing they can positively impact their relationship, and caring for their partner in way they want.
They had a healthy connection with their parent in that their needs, pains and fears were met in a consistently healthy way. They have found it easier to communicate their needs since childhood. In a romantic connection, challenges and conflict are shared with the partner and compromises reached. For example, if the partner has a low sex drive, they address the issue in a harmonious way and determine a behavioral or medical solution. Unlike an avoidant (DA and FA) who may immediately accuse their partner of being weak and not worthy of marriage.
They can be open-minded hence can accept new knowledge and perspectives from various philosophies, groups and individuals. For example, a man who grew up with a belief that another man should pay bride price to marry his daughter would change that perspective due to economic reasons among the youth. Unlike a DA who can view another person’s personality in black and white such as either good or bad, the secure will find grey areas in that particular situation. For example, a person could be viewed as good, slightly good, okay, morally ambiguous, quite bad, and terrible among others.
When their partner or friend or family member does not meet their needs they do not assume it is their problem but the other. For example if an insecure person does not pick up their calls and also fail to call back, they do not believe they have problems, instead they believe it is the insecure person’s issues to work on. Alternatively the secure person could assume the other person is having a bad day or they do not know what the phone call meant. The secure will try to communicate in a healthy way about the issue and when things do not change in their specified timeframe then they might start to reconsider the relationship. This can also happen in romance, work, doing house chores, and expecting support in career development and others.
The journey of the three insecure attachments is to achieve secure attachment. That is why most romantic connections like marriages that do not end up in divorce or separation achieve this. However, it is not a guarantee that all marriages will achieve this as you will see in the next chapters. Also secure attachment is achieved through exposure to new knowledge, secure relationships or personal experiences.
CHAPTER TWO
Dating Expectations
Hello dear,
I’ve been dating this girl for two months now but I feel like she’s too needy and moving too fast, she says she’s wasted so much time with unserious men so doesn’t believe in dating for so long. She’s already put a condition that if we don’t start cohabiting next month the relationship will end. Truth is I love her but I believe in dating for long like at least one year. Why is she rushing me? Is she hiding something? Kiefa
Hello,
…I recently met this guy who wants to spend his entire life with me after just three months of dating. Yet, I believe it is wrong since I know so little about him. I want to date for at least two years to feel satisfied about a relationship. Is it love or lust for one to fall in love in a matter of weeks? Hannifa
Response: Hello Hannifa and Kiefa, and thank you for your letters. Both of you should congratulate yourselves for having this perspective towards dating. This is because they vary among individuals and there is no universally approved one. Even without stating where both of you belong in the attachment spectrum, you seem to prefer taking things a little slower, which seems good. But, in the context of attachment theory, conflicts emerge if we cannot understand what to expect from each other in a romantic relationship. To make sense of this, a description of the six stages of a relationship is provided as follows:
Dating/romance stage; here, feel good hormones like Dopamine and oxytocin released from our brains fill us with infatuation and excitement after meeting a potential partner. These mask us of our partner’s flaws. This stage may last up to two years and partners may have a lot of fun and excitement around each other. Many people prefer settling down and starting a family at this stage which may prove problematic later on. However, this stage soon wears off especially when signs of stability — settling down, starting a family, introduction to family and friends — magnify.
Honeymoon stage: sometimes categorised as a subset of the dating stage. It generally occurs from six months to two years depending on our patterns. Like the dating stage it is characterized by a lot of infatuation, however, the negative and positive things in our partners are noticed. At this stage partners continue hiding their true self in favor of generosity, availability and others. Someone can make rush decisions without careful thought, such as quitting a job, or studying for marriage.
Power struggle stage; the feelings a person once had for the other wear off and they could withdraw from the other more often. Either partner starts questioning why they developed feelings for the other, who now seems very flawed and not up to their standards. Such instances serve as grounds for boredom, criticisms, entitlement and struggle to control or change the other to get needs met or suit a standard. This could easily cause cheating or, to a lesser degree, micro-cheating as a partner may search for a more ‘suitable’ partner. This stage may happen after two years when the excitement hormones are worn off. This stage could even last for decades and most breakups and divorces happen during this stage.
Stability stage; when the partners finally realize that changing another is not easy or necessary, except they learn to accept who they are and live with their flaws. They learn how to navigate their differences while respecting each other’s boundaries. Unfortunately some couples achieve this after several decades together.
Commitment stage; the partner realizes that both of them have faults but can see each other as good. The partner sacrifices more and spends much time with the other. The person also realises that being with the other is a matter of choice and not an obligation.
Bliss stage; both partners fully realize the unconditional love they have for each other and learn how to communicate. Together they show this love out to the world, and can engage in raising children, sharing bank accounts, humanitarian activities and many other joint projects.
From these descriptions, both of you may have noticed how distinct each stage is hence calling for different approaches in communication and consideration. For Hannifa, assuming your boyfriend is an AP, who desires that the honeymoon phase is sustained forever, since they confuse love and infatuation. They develop deeper romantic feelings even with a slight attraction to you and believe they only need this attraction for marriage.
As mentioned in chapter one the AP is very people-pleasing, loves lavish gestures such as ‘you are the most beautiful person in the universe,’ I want to marry you,’ ‘I will love you till the lake dries!’ which are a staple for the dating and honeymoon stages. They believe that these strategies will strengthen your bond. They become needy and assume intimacy and marriage at this stage equals safety. They avoid moving into the more ‘intense’ power struggle phase where partners could learn how to navigate conflict. This affects the healthy growth of the relationship. And if you do not accept their proposal at this point they think you neither love them nor want to marry them.
In contrast a DA would prefer to take as much time as possible in the dating phase for various reasons. Firstly, the DA believes people should be independent and meet their own needs. Therefore you prolong the dating stage because you do not want to commit to the relationship and ensure interdependence and exclusivity. This ensures there is no burden to express their weakness or disclose private information until the ‘right time’ when safety is assured.
DAs are slow to process and assess if the partner’s behavior, lifestyle, beliefs suits them. They have competing needs especially survival needs that preoccupy much of their thoughts hence fail to allocate enough time to assess the other. However the DA ignores that the other should also assess them to avoid challenges when navigating the power struggle stage. DAs are poor at navigating conflict that is caused by criticism, rejection and abandonment prevalent in the power struggle. This phase is also characterized by jealousy yet DAs hate expressing emotions.
However, if the DA moves past the dating stage navigating the honeymoon and power struggle is much faster. They usually ignore the honeymoon since it requires extreme excitement while hiding your true self for the sake of pleasing the other. This is in the form of buying gifts, romantic dinners, introductions to family and friends among others. They instead drop their ‘mask’ for the partner to know their true self, including their weaknesses. This may happen after six months or even more depending on the level of avoidance.
The DA should not feel trapped while their autonomy should remain respected. They want to know that they are not going to be criticized in any way for expressing themselves or their needs. However, the DA should consistently communicate their needs as well as consider compromises to ensure they meet the partner’s. With these, they can easily transition into the next three stages.
Much like an avoidant, both you and Kiefa believe everyone should take a lot of time dating for various reasons, some of which mentioned above. Kindly learn how to question this belief and make the dating much shorter than you want, to ensure relationship progress. Encourage your anxious partners to communicate what dating means to them and why they think falling in love much faster than you want is important (to them). Also, communicate your fears on why you think otherwise. Both of you should aim for a healthy compromise, say, dating for seven months or less before exclusivity. If compromise fails, kindly consider moving on to avoid pain on either side.
Hello,
I’m an FA…and every time I get into a new relationship, I start sensing doom after a few weeks. I start crying a lot. Its only when I stop communicating to them that I get my peace back. Afterwards I call them back and we enjoy the moments again. Then I withdraw in case of an argument. This happens over and over. I always feel like I can’t love the person like they deserve or commit to them. It’s not that I do not want to. Am I indecisive? Karen
Response: Hello Karen, thank you for your letter, and sharing what you are going through. In the dating stage, every attachment is stable because there is no strong bond yet. The FA could show up more, and be excited for deeper connection. As dating progresses, more closeness is required especially after the ninety day mark, and then the fears around attachment are triggered. These are around betrayal or trust as they express their flaws more or less. They either become anxious or dismissive towards the relationship. They can push away their partner hoping they do not notice their flaws hence avoiding the stability stage.
Anxiousness in the honeymoon stage may cause them to do things necessary to sustain the dynamic. They try hard to feel worthy such as trying hard to have a good paying job, or a house or the looks among others. This can lead them to being manipulative and deceptive about their future dreams. This may not be sustainable hence cause the FA to withdraw. But because the FA has subconscious fears around abandonment, they will again get triggered and resume attracting the partner.
Since the FA is often familiar with chaos, they will subconsciously seek it through expecting conflict in the power struggle phase. If the partner does not cause conflict, the FA will manufacture it by blaming them or criticizing them for what they have not done, among many other painful things. But again they start to miss the excitement in the previous stage. They therefore return to the honeymoon and will continue flip-flopping with the power struggle stage causing frustrations. So, isolate the causes based on the above, and treat them. You can as well communicate these fears to your partner to work towards healing together.
Hello,
Is it true that most men put their phones on silent as they arrive home, sleep out without reason, come back home past midnight or never return, always on phone and social media, make secret calls behind your back, usually asking you for money yet not looking after you and kids? On their Facebook they have a large number of women strangers as friends. Have passwords on their phone that people say it is wrong to ask why. Becky
Response: Hello Becky, thank you for your letter. Every single person is giving love and receiving love but this is in competition with their fears, beliefs and priorities. An avoidant can love and care for another person, but their fears around vulnerability prevent them from serious commitment. During the dating and honeymoon phases, their fears are triggered. You see that the person is interested but also doing things that are tearing the relationship apart.
However, an insecure attachment is used to solve problems their way; whether that solution is toxic or healthy. In this context, it is having many women strangers, staying away from home, spending a lot of time on social media. These behaviors help them avoid interacting much with someone whom they feel vulnerable or attached to. In this case they can avoid being shamed or criticized for any weakness they may express.
Taking advantage of your generosity is due to their survival needs. DAs learn how to avoid dependency on another person by considering any available opportunity for their own survival. If it requires stealing, sex work, manipulation, coercion and others they will do it with little to no empathy. However they can also choose to work hard in the most universally accepted ethical standard known. This involves doing business, finding employment, and making high end deals among others.
So work on yourself to be more secure so that he feels safe to emotionally express himself. Then consistently request him to question what causes those actions so that he can start retelling himself a different story. When they believe in the new stories about interdependence, then their actions should follow. Ensure consistency and patience because the subconscious mind learns through repetition. And since you have kids together, you can do this for a year or two. Aim to reach a compromise and in case otherwise decide whether this is the right relationship for both of you.
Hi,
…my boyfriend wronged me and we stopped communicating 3 months ago now. But l always miss him and still love him. Can l text him first and apologize even if l know he is the one supposed to say sorry? Or should l continue to stay silent? Why is this happening the way it is? Abalo
Response: Hello Abalo, and thank you for the letter. Though you have not stated how your boyfriend wronged you, it was likely something offensive. Much of what you want is already tackled in the previous responses. But also you should put extra effort in expressing your needs and establishing stronger boundaries. Communicate what you consider as wrongful conduct from people you interact with especially an attachment figure like a romantic partner.
Mere apologies without addressing the cause lead to more conflict. He might be unaware of how to resolve such issues, hence the necessity to understand your boundaries and needs. A DA like mentioned earlier is usually black and white hence can directly refer to you as stupid, or foolish, or retarded and many other harsh words without remorse. They believe that you are either that or the opposite of it, no in-between. The FA in contrast could be binary but will mostly call you those heavy terms because that is what they are familiar with. Besides, they will feel guilty and flip-flop.
If he went no-contact first, then contact him and try to empower him to communicate what caused or causes that. If you went no-contact first, then isolate what you believe caused that so that you as well can communicate your fears to him to meet your needs at least halfway through. Was it childhood trauma? What trauma exactly? Was it due to your coping strategy when resolving conflict? Do you fear being vulnerable around people, including a romantic partner, therefore ghosting them?
Hello,
I had a boyfriend, however, when I met him, he was extremely wonderful. At first he was so sweet and shy and very attentive to my needs. As soon as I showed interest and started falling in love he backed off. He did this flip-flopping thing for seven months until I got frustrated. We are not together now and I can’t get passed it. I’m so hurt and feeling stupid. Namara
Response: Hello Namara, thank you for sharing your experience. However, if you can, kindly do not feel stupid or small because you seem to be a good human being. You may have noticed that in the first ninety days the DA might seem secure, intimate and show that they are running after you. When you start showing them the love and commitment, things they are not familiar with at a subconscious level, they withdraw to protect themselves and avoid feeling trapped. They associate vulnerability with imminent pain through criticism, conflict and rejection. You become confused and start thinking that everything was a lie.
Also, there was likely an element of bread-crumbing in that relationship. It is possible you were also attracted to him because of how he inconsistently showed you intimacy. Ask yourself whether this is similar to how your parent/guardian loved you. If yes then it seemed like an addiction in that you will always crave for more because it is in short supply and brief. Also, the DA probably experienced love from their parent/guardian or previous partner through bread-crumbing. Their subconscious is now apparently used to connect that way, and not in a consistently intimate way.
So, recondition your subconscious by convincing yourself that you can provide and receive intimacy consistently. In case you reconnect or connect with a new partner, ensure to meet your needs and avoid relying on someone to meet all your intimacy needs. Communicate to them the importance of your needs and boundaries while requesting for theirs to reach a compromise. Focus on friendship if things do not change, as you wait for a more secure partner.
Hello,
I’m dating a guy, and it has been 2 years now. We are both in Uganda but l don’t know what is happening. He always dodges seeing me even whenever I want to travel to meet him, he comes up with excuses. At night he doesn’t pick calls or communicate with me. Is this guy married? Edith.
Response: Hello Edith thank you for sharing this letter. Now, is he married? It is hard to tell. Do married people give excuses whenever you want to meet up? Some of them do, but everyone can. Does your guy get triggered when you both engage in deeper conversations? Possibly yes, and that is why they avoid picking calls at times when conversations could go on much longer. Note that they will avoid any activity that will strengthen a romantic bond — phone calls, sex, or making future plans. What conversations do both of you engage in? Is the relationship growing? Are you losing your mind because of this dynamic? Request to meet up and communicate your concerns, while asking him to isolate his. Endeavor to be as patient and safe as possible. This can be achieved by asking them if they feel comfortable to open up and when exactly will they feel safe to open up. Provide a clear deadline for change in what both of you have agreed on. DAs respect people with clear boundaries and consciously despise those without. In case he does not comply, kindly consider leaving this dynamic without regrets.
Hello,
I have been with this girl for a year, and at first she was good at communicating. After three months she started relaxing, complaining of laziness and busyness. I am the only one who makes appointments to see her, she doesn’t make any effort yet she claims to love me. When I post her picture on Facebook she can’t even like or comment. It seems she’s not proud of me. Is she tired of me already? Should I leave her? MJ
Response: Hello MJ and thank you for this response. Saying that she does not make any effort is not necessarily true if she says she loves you. For an avoidant, saying such words before the stability stage is very difficult and means a lot to them when they do. Even just the acceptance to meet you is a serious effort to them regardless of the frequency. A DA needs appreciation and acceptance because they also feel they are imperfect people. They need a sense of cooperation to solve a problem. Otherwise they will say, ‘why bother’ since they are used to solving things all by themselves.
They need safety, stability and support because they didn’t get them while the attachment was forming. Safety is through things being predictable and not pressured. They want to be understood and not criticized even when they do not respond to your social media posts. They want joy, playfulness and humor. They need a sense of integrity in a relationship and a sense of presence. They value their autonomy so if they assume that meeting you more often will infringe on it, they will create excuses to avoid you.
So leaving her is inconsiderate of you unless you consciously insist that compromise on your part is completely unacceptable. Kindly isolate your fears and treat them to be more secure. This is essential for you to meet some of your needs, such as intimacy by having as many friends as possible. This will also boost your self-esteem so that you do not depend on anyone for validation. The DA admires someone who is as independent as possible so will transition to the stability phase when they notice this.
Hello,
We’ve been dating for four years now and are planning to get married. However, I started questioning if he’s the right guy to commit to. We’re quite different people and I’m sorry to say he’s incredibly boring. I’m very go-getting, always trying to push us to try new things and just enjoy life a bit more but he hates breaking out from his boredom. I’ve recently met a new guy who’s like me and find so attractive. We haven’t yet slept together or even admitted how we feel about each other but there is incredible chemistry between us. He’s adventurous and wants to try new things. For example he taught me ghost hunting, which is so exciting BTW. Am I wrong by not being interested in marrying someone who refused to compromise on something so simple? Flower
Response: Hello Flower and thank you for this letter. It seems the problem with your fiancé is related to both the stage of the relationship and attachment style. For example in the dating stage it is quite common to miss the flaws of your partner until the power struggle. Small differences lessen intimacy as you start wondering why you even fell in love with him. You can now easily notice flaws in financial status, tribe, body size, skin color, mannerism, and how they dress, smell or cook. For his case it is not being adventurous or like you have put it, boring.
Without categorizing you under a particular attachment style, the new guy could be an idealised or fictionalised partner an avoidant usually brings up during the power struggle phase. However, if you are actually flirting or micro-cheating with this new guy, ensure that you first breakup with the old one to avoid confusion. But expect to find a flaw or more in the new one as you connect deeper.
In case you are doing this to manipulate your partner into meeting your need it may or may not work since an avoidant hates feeling jealous. In either case learn how to consistently communicate with a partner about your needs and compromise on their flaws to avoid missing out on a fulfilling relationship. For example, empower him to be more humorous by giving him words of affirmation when he makes one. If these fail after a given timeframe, say a year or two since you are at fiancé level, then you can try a different partner.
Hello,
…we had an argument with my girlfriend so she decided to tell me she has another man in her life. She keeps talking about this man but he never even calls her. I decided to chase her because I was frustrated of the stories. Now she wants to come back saying it was all a lie. I love her but I’m scared of her. What can l do, take her back? Kenneth
Response: Thank you, Kenneth, for sharing your experience. Like suggested in the previous response, a lot of DAs coped with their pain through fiction such as in story books, movies, folktales. This is still how many of them individually meet their needs. They create fantasy worlds where they are a character and they are romantically involved with another character, usually called the ‘phantom ex.’ So she might have created that man to whom she can turn to in case you breakup. So every time they notice an incongruence in the relationship, especially in the power struggle stage, their fears are triggered hence magnifying these stories to self-soothe.
If she was anxious then she created this man for you to perceive as competition and work harder to meet her emotional needs. Either way, you two should improve on consistent communication, sharing your fears around trust, abandonment, rejection and vulnerability. Remind them that vulnerability is not bad or a threat. Establish stronger clear boundaries as well because the man could have actually been there as a ‘plan B.’
Hello,
My girlfriend for the lack of a better expression is very local. We’ve been together for four months but she is pressuring me to change the way l dress. That she doesn’t like the damaged jeans l wear, my hair style and she wants me to stop wearing rings on my fingers. Why is she changing now? She says if l don’t change she will leave the relationship. Any advice? Antony
Response: Hello Antony, thank you for sharing your experience. Her issue might be related to being so controlling. The anxious attachment style derives a lot of empowerment from that as well as manipulation and threats to get their needs met. This will be evident in the power struggle stage. However do not rule out the fact that she is struggling with Narcissistic Personality Disorder or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. People struggling with these disorders may derive safety and empowerment through controlling others or themselves. But on the plus side these disorders can also be isolated and treated, of course if she is willing to do the work.
First state your concerns and fears around being controlled and threatened. Then request her to mention her concerns about what you wear. Establish clearer boundaries that put her concerns into consideration. Remember they are often in fight or flight mode so you should be less critical of them. Set a healthy deadline to ensure that you prioritize your fashion. If compromise fails even after consistent non-critical communication, then consider yourselves incompatible.
Hello,
Is it true women are like cats? I was told that if you start running after it or try to force it to stay, you will only get clawed in the face? GenZ
Response: Hello GenZ, thank you for the message. Honestly, using a cat as an analogy for women in this context is up for debate. However, both males and females can react similarly depending on their fears around romantic connection. However, you must consider what triggers an avoidant when a person is chasing after them especially in the power struggle stage. You will find solutions to these in the previous responses.
If they are running away from you, ask yourself: is there emotional volatility in the dynamic? They will be scared if things are not safe or certain. This is why they want consistency in a partner. The subconscious mind can be reconditioned through consistency. When with an emotionally volatile person such as an FA, the DA can sometimes show up more initially if they love them. It feels unsafe to breakup at that point. Soon this will wear off especially if the volatile partner threatens more, then the DA enters flight mode.
Is there some level of criticism, even constructive criticism? Sometimes in a friendship, workplace or superficial relationship they can tolerate constructive criticism. But when the words are too harsh or sharp, they trigger the ‘I am defective wounds’ hence run away. Is there some kind of expectation? They feel uncomfortable and pressured hence dependent. When there is pressure to open up and be vulnerable. They fear losing their autonomy, so they get triggered and run away.
Is there a strong emotional charge? This is usually stronger if the person is FA. All their emotions pour out. And the person who has made this is the one whom they associate with their pain, ignoring their repressed childhood trauma. They enter fight or flight mode and can become harsh with their words and threaten to leave the relationship. But after their emotions have been regulated, they feel guilt and remorse. And if you do not put effort into bringing them back, they will assume you do not care.
When they are not acknowledged, especially if they are trying and the partner is not noticing. For example, if a partner asks them to act more romantic, yet they feel they are trying but the partner is not noticing. They wonder what the person means by ‘…love me more.’ Remember they may not know how to improve because they do not have the moulding to do so.
They learnt to cope through fight and flight mechanisms to avoid getting hurt or feel powerless. Powerlessness could destroy their sense of self, so they must protect it. And even if they know you do not want to harm them, it is in their moulding to shut you out during conflict.
However, like mentioned in chapter one, any attachment style can shift due to experiences and knowledge gained. This implies that she might avoid you for a long time, yet subsequently get another clingy person, and become more anxious or secure. So if you later discover she has married another person, do not take it personally or complain of her being unfair.
Hello,
People keep telling me to make my man what I want. I’ve tried but things have failed. That all relationships are the same and men are the same. I’m tired of crying and being in a relationship all by myself. Is that true or even possible? Matilda
Response: Hello Matilda, thank you for asking this question. It is not true that all relationships are the same due to various ideologies people attach to romantic connections. Is it possible to change someone to suit your standard? Yes it is, depending on whether they are able to. Even a DA can become an anxious attachment if they connect with a narcissist or someone very controlling.
However, because your issue might be connected to the dating stage, kindly revisit them and identify what exactly you should do to ensure you navigate the power struggle stage. This will help both of you reach the stability stage. In this stage you will ignore the reasons why you want him to be what exactly you want. However, if there is a chance you are struggling with either NPD or a Compulsive Disorder you can address the causes through research or therapy.
CHAPTER THREE
Breakups and Sabotage
Hello,
…being in love with a DA has destroyed me as a person, never again. We were together for almost a year. Afterwards, we dated long distance for 5 months. Relationship was amazing, saw each other a couple times a month, intimacy, romance, everything was amazing. Moved back to Masaka where we both are from and it was a decline over the next six months. Once intimacy increased and we were closer than ever, she pulled away constantly. Things would be great, then the next day she would be distant and pull away and I don’t know why. Treated her amazing and gave her everything I had. Only for her to end things abruptly and say she isn’t feeling the way she used to about me. It’s been over 2 months since we broke up and it hurts me every single day. I’ve cried buckets of tears because I miss her more than anything. Not even contacting her helps. Abdu
Response: Hello Abdu and thank you for sharing your moving story and sorry it hurts. However, the fact that you are still in contact with her implies that you have not moved on. It is a mistake to continue communication instead of taking time to process things. Give them the breakup, go no-contact to allow her the opportunity to process things as well. Possibly both of you might see things a little differently after sometime. Be patient, and if she misses you and comes back then the relationship will be much stronger.
If she is a DA, you may break no-contact after at least six weeks to enquire how they are doing. This ensures that you are not abandoning them. Keep the conversations casual and humorous. If they find it safe to meet up then set a date after sometime. Do not pressure them. If they want their alone time, give it to them. The DA is not good at initiating things because of the fears around rejection and shame. For example they may fear that as soon as they contact you, you may say: ‘…thank God I got someone better than you’ or ‘my current partner gives me peace as opposed to you who made me feel like I was in hell.’
Also, both yourself and her should ask a few questions before rekindling the relationship, that is if you are still interested: is she still interested? Are both of you willing to work on the cause of the breakup? Can you be patient enough to compromise with each other? What was the cause: sex, neediness, criticism or other fears?
For the FA, they tend to be cold at first, and enter flight mode or push people away. They close off more strongly than any other attachment style because they have both the anxious and avoidant core wounds. They will shut down and will not feel their feelings for some time. They start processing after a few weeks, maybe three to four weeks. Old unhealthy habits may resurface; getting back to their old creature comforts like watching prolonged television shows, smoking cigarettes, eating junk food. They can seek other relationships immediately because they have not processed yet. Besides, they are deep connectors, so they struggle if not socializing. Sometimes these rebound relationships may work for one or two months. Remember for newer friendships, it takes them time to grow into deeper connections. They could say so many negative things about you to convince themselves that they do not really like you. Soon, they start to feel you abandoned them. They remind themselves: ‘I knew I wouldn’t trust that person.’ ‘I knew I was not capable of being in a relationship.’
They can wish for the relationship to happen again. If they were hurt really hard, they will fear initiating. If you contact them first they can express a romantic gesture but they do not want it to be too much. They will try to push you away because an avoidant is often in fight or flight mode. But remind them that you are trying and expressing your feelings and asking if there is a chance to come back together. Do not overextend like you can do everything to make things work, you will trigger their dismissive side because you will seem needy. Tell them what you changed and what will work. Validate their feelings, especially what you felt about her and how you can improve.
Hello,
My long-distance FA ex was planning to move from Kotido to Mbarara so that we could be together. She started a new job remotely, bought furniture, etc. She even made me her beneficiary at her new job! Then she took a two-day trip home to ‘say goodbye’ to family and friends. When I mentioned feeling a bit disconnected while she travelled, that an occasional check-in would help me, she yelled back: ‘YOU’RE A F**KING BITCH, AREN’T YOU?’ And then she stopped the relationship. I was shell-shocked and confused. Two months later she started sending me abusive texts about how I am nothing without her and that I will fail in my life. She wrote: ‘…the only job you’ll ever get in future is to wash my f**king a*s.’ Now, last week she called my brother, telling him she gave so much more than I did and we love differently and need different things. It’s been difficult for me to understand what went wrong and when. I thought we had a really good connection at first. Alexis
Response: Hello Alexis, thank you for sharing this touching story. Your ex was likely an FA. In the beginning the FA may seem like an AP, and as the relationship progresses they appear like DAs. This makes their partner assume they were hiding their true nature; say they may start quarrelling more, blaming the partner more and consistently ‘nit-picking’ their flaws such as being poor cooks, not having a good body, or not being good in bed. All these and more are done to push away the partner and avoid being hurt in case the partner notices their flaws. Also, when things start to get more stable and comfortable in the romantic connection, the FA gets triggered more because they have become more vulnerable to a person, which is outside their comfort zone.
As suggested earlier their subconscious is familiar with chaos since it was part of their childhood. In a chaotic home spitefulness, uttering obscene or profane words is common hence part of their moulding. Since an avoidant takes relatively long to process their emotions, they may verbally abuse or spite you. However, soon the FA will process what they have revealed and suffer with chronic guilt and shame. And if you do not re-attract them they will remain hurt. And sometimes they will assume you are not interested anymore.
The FA’s subconscious stores all memories and emotional attachments to it. They were disconnected from a parent when the parent was drinking or fighting, because the situation was scary. This disconnection meant I am unsafe, I am unloved, I am unimportant. So, the subconscious mind has stored these painful memories of disconnection. And this happens when the FA is in a long-distance relationship, or has travelled. Doubts come in when far away or feeling misunderstood yet they are likely trying their best to improve the relationship.
So, solve this by isolating the problem and get alternative evidence that shows that what both of you think might not be true. Ask to meet physically to share this with her, while ensuring safety for her to express her fears. Do not pressure them to open up or meet your needs. If they do not compromise, then you may reconsider if this relationship is necessary.
Hello,
I have an anxious attachment style and I’m not experienced with relationships. I tried so hard to make the relationship work even though we weren’t that compatible. The thing is I’ve only been in abusive relationships with narcissists in the past so when he didn’t act like those previous relationships, I wanted to hold onto him for dear life for fear that I won’t ever find someone better than him. It’s been 6 months of no-contact and I still want the DA back. I despise starting over and going on new dates. I was literally willing to settle for the DA because he was the best I ever had. Do you think he ever thinks about me? Coraline
Response: Hello Coraline, thank you for sharing your experience and looking for answers about your question. Though six months of no-contact seems quite a lot for you, it might be shorter for a DA since they are slow to process their emotions. The explanation here will focus on what goes through the mind of a DA after a breakup or going no-contact and what you could make of it. Initially, they shut down strongly and magnify the flaws in a partner. This depends on how long you two have been together, or, whether you have kids or a business venture together.
After at least six weeks, they enter the repression stage where they start missing the person. They will suppress their feelings to avoid thinking about the person. The final stage is when they think about the positives in the person or the relationship. They tend to feel their emotions at this stage. They actively start numbing: partying more, smoking cigarettes, taking alcohol, bingeing television shows, spending more hours at work or on social media depending on what works for them.
They may reach out at this point, usually indirectly because they fear rejection or being shamed. This is done by approaching mutual friends or family members asking about you and where you are at in life. They can also reach you directly through phone calls, texts or social media. However this might also seem indirect. For example they might call you asking for a property they left with you, or claim that they are checking on all their friends and you are inclusive. Or post a photo, quote or music you like on social media hoping you might respond and initiate contact. They may also like or comment on your social media posts.
However if they do neither of the above, then they probably moved on or were simply not interested in the first place. Also, the relationship you had with him was possibly a rebound relationship and he is now with their previous partner. Much as we do not enjoy the realization that our only role in a dynamic was to cushion a person from the effects of their heratbreak, things simply happen because people are struggling with their own complex trauma that they cannot address at that particular moment.
However, you should isolate and heal your core wounds around abandonment, feeling unimportant, unworthy of love, and not being good enough, to become more secure. This will help you notice obvious red flags of narcissists and the emotionally distant hence attracting more secure people. Recondition your subconscious mind, by convincing yourself that there are at least a billion bachelors on this planet looking for genuine connection, and you will likely find one. You might be wondering if this is easier said than done. Of course it is, but trying is better than not trying, just like you did with that DA.
Hello,
I discovered I am an FA and the stability in a relationship bores me and subconsciously I’m looking for chaos. This has caused a lot of instability in my previous relationships. The stability phase is the make or break for me, allowing my inner false narratives around stability and togetherness to correlate with ideas of boredom, they’re bored, I’m bored, so make chaos to spark the flame again. This pattern lost me the love of my life. I hope we make up, since I am now arriving at a much better and stable place. Queen
Response: Hello Queen, thank you for sharing this and congratulations that you took the initiative to improve yourself. Whereas this response is not necessarily an answer to you but rather an addition to what you missed out. FAs are usually disconnected since childhood when the attachment was formed. They did not feel safe, heard or seen by their parents because the latter had issues with alcoholism, drug abuse or simply mentally unstable or negligent. Their parents were unpredictable, one day they are okay and meeting the child’s needs, the other day they are disconnected and uncaring. Even during the parent’s better days, the child often sensed imminent conflict or abandonment hence developing mistrust of the status quo.
The child resorted to developing negative stories around the events, as coping strategies to reduce pain and feel safe. These include, I am bad, I am not worthy of love, I am boring, I am defective and that is why my parents always fight. So I have to control myself to be good, exciting, hardworking and worthy in order to appease my parents, hence disconnecting from self. They got used to being in an environment of chaos, finding safety and familiarity in that.
A lack of chaos seemed strange and boring since it does not push them to work harder. Remember this happens at a subconscious level, which is responsible for over ninety per cent of our conscious decisions. These beliefs are stored as unresolved trauma in the subconscious. During adulthood when the FA establishes an attachment with another, a romantic partner in this case, the trauma resurfaces. Now, since it is familiar to view a stable relationship as boring, that is exactly what they do. So, Queen, you should continuously recondition these negative stories to be more secure and grow in a healthier relationship next time.
Hello,
I’d a girlfriend for almost two years. In the past one and half years she often swung from quarrelling every week to coming back apologizing, eventually I gave up on her. Do you have any idea of what causes this and how I can help her? Joram
Response: Hello Joram, thank you for the question. Based on what you have written, your girlfriend is learning FA. As mentioned in a previous response, FAs are usually disconnected since childhood when this attachment was being formed. The chaos at home apparently caused inconsistent criticism and fights. To cope, some of them had to become aggressive, throwing tantrums and engaging in physical assault to feel safe.
When they become fully invested in the relationship they deal with it in a way so familiar to them — increasing mistrust in the relationship. Like mentioned earlier, the only way of coping with imminent conflict is quarrelling or something similar. But, since they have both the anxious and avoidant side to them, they feel guilty in a shorter while compared to the DAs hence the frequent apologies.
Another issue pointed out earlier is their empathy for other people. This helps them learn a lot about human behavior, thus being able to predict how someone would react based on their micro-expression, passive aggressive behavior, body language, tone of voice, speech patterns, and gestures. When they notice these changes they may correctly or incorrectly attach meaning to that particular situation. Instead of seeking clarity, they will become anxious and respond in a way as mentioned above.
However, apologies, like you have noticed, are not solving the issue. They should address the root cause and consistently train their subconscious to trust you and the relationship. Consistently empower yourself and her to improve communication for both of you to navigate your challenges and become more secure.
Hello,
We broke up with my girlfriend because I kept noticing that every time we got a misunderstanding, she threatened to leave me and get another guy, forcing me to continuously pull her back and assure her that the relationship will work out. I found it disrespectful and exhausting after some time and eventually let her go because ladies seem like they do not know what they want. What causes this and how can she improve because I like her? Okello
Response: Hello Okello thank you for writing to me. This response is going out to both of you as it is clear you exhibit signs of the anxious attachment. Like the DA, she finds it hard to clearly communicate her needs or navigate conflict. Hence meet their needs through manipulation and lying among others. She uses the threat of leaving the relationship as a strategy to get more care or attention from you. However, this is likely unsustainable for progress.
FAs flip-flop a lot in romantic connections wondering whether they should stay or leave, hence appear as if they do not know ‘what they want.’ Yet it is due to their core wounds around trust that causes them to draw negative stories about being in a relationship. They end up pushing their partner away, and after processing things, they feel guilty, lonely and become more anxious and naturally pull them back. Remember the FA has both the avoidant and an anxious side. So when you become anxious you pull her closer, fearing abandonment. Meanwhile you become dismissive and find her disrespectful after violating your boundaries hence willing to give up the relationship.
With the hint that you still like her, you might desire her back. So put much more effort in expressing your fears and needs while allowing her to express hers. Assure her that conflict, if done in a healthier way is important to resolve issues in a relationship and not to worsen it. This implies that your communication is respectful of their opinion. Both parties should develop healthy boundaries, and compromise if it is inevitable for the other person to avoid partial violation. For example, if you want stability the following year, ask her if that is what she also wants. If not, work together to reach a compromise, say, two years. If neither of you is comfortable with the plan, then reconsider if this relationship is for you.
Hi,
My DA ex broke up with me when he moved out of the country. Now he is showing a lot of signs that he wants us to stay friends. What is the real reason why an ex wants to stay friends? Ann
Response: Hello Ann and thank you for sharing your concern, though you did not state how long it has been since the breakup. Of all attachment styles DAs do not like to stay friends after a breakup, because of the emotional investment required. They need to self-soothe. When there is some kind of abandonment or when someone wrongs them they feel it is painful. Since they are black and white they simplify things by labelling you a bad person. Or they just claim people are too difficult to deal with. This also helps them move on since they believe in the concept of ‘the one;’ that idealised romantic savior they waited for. If it was not you then there is no one else. However, in your case it is possible you were a nice or kind person to them. But do ignore the fact that they want to keep you around because you are more accessible for sex, financial support, rebound relationship or validation purposes.
Hello,
After reading about attachment styles, I know you will not like my opinion. Having a DA partner is too much to handle. I never felt so insecure and anxious in all my life. A DA can get the love they want from their partners but never give their partners love back when they ne2ed it. It’s really frustrating. After 3 months that she stonewalled me, I’m actually glad the relationship ended. Is it worth to get my avoidant ex back? Hell no! Jared
Response: Hello Jared, thank you for this response. Actually, every opinion about human experiences is valid to a certain degree so yours is welcome as well. Though your frustrations in that dynamic deserve empathy, you did not mention exactly if communication between the two of you was two-way. In case it was not, then that was a significant issue you did not address. But since we are human and always improving our understanding of how to relate with each other, this should not make you feel bad about yourself.
In addition to the previous responses, educate yourself about what the DA expects in their partner during the dating stage because this is the stage you likely broke up. Remember their core wounds are around closeness or vulnerability that may lead to rejection, abandonment and criticism. These fears are triggered if they express strong emotions like love, anger, jealousy, excitement and others. So, telling you they love you is scary. However, they may enjoy it when you express it because it is safer that way. They also want to be as hyper-independent as possible and expect you to do the same. Being interdependent is not in their moulding; in fact, they consider it a sign of weakness.
They prefer talking about intellectual things, and issues that do not involve expressing emotions, like news, sports, comedy and others. So do not engage in very deep conversations especially those that require talking about their past experiences and trauma. They do not like change, so dating without commitment is much more comfortable until it feels safe. This is because during dating the romantic bond is still weak, and both parties can even date other people if they want.
They rarely compliment because they do not have that moulding. Some DAs could compliment you if you do something for them, say giving them money, doing a task they requested you to do. This is because that is how their caregiver treated them — they were rewarded only after accomplishing a given task and punished whenever they did not. It is also due to their black and white nature: why should they say thank you if they do not mean it?
They can give you affections, say sex if they have no problem with it. However, do not expect it as often as you want since this may strengthen the romantic bond which, again, is scary to them. They want to spend time with you but not often since they need space and autonomy so as to avoid losing themselves. They respond well to validation and encouragement but not to an overwhelming degree. So, expect them to say something like ‘please, thank God not me’ or ‘I hate being praised’ if you comment positively about their beauty.
Since we live in a world where anything is possible, you might reconsider your decision to get her back, or connect with a new DA. So, create space where they can express their emotions by being noncritical and patient. Do not pressurize them to be vulnerable or romantic. Do not respond with any type of passion because they might subconsciously mistake it for volatility. Do not have high hopes of all your needs being met but understand their needs and meet those you can.
You can tell them your needs and ask them to meet them through compromise. You can also get your needs met through numbing or self-soothing. Empower them through words of affirmation: I am lucky to have you! I am here if you need me! You work really hard for both of us! Do all these consistently for an agreed timeframe, say six months and if they do not put in the work to compromise and progress the relationship, stick to remaining friends and move on.
Hi,
I used to sympathize with my former DA and I believed I could save him/us. But now he’s left and it’s been 10 months since and there are no signs of him coming back or even interested in reconciling (apart from stalking me on whatsapp and liking my social media posts from a year ago, wtf?). And I’m heartbroken that he’s in pain and doe2sn’t know how to help himself. Am I still insecure or just being sympathetic? Latifa
Response: Hello Latifa and thank you for writing me your letter. To answer your question, you should first learn what a securely attached will do when a DA sabotages a relationship. Secure attachments are more successful in relationships because they have less emotional outbursts. They grew up in a home with relatively less traumatic experiences, because they were allowed to express their emotions. So, are less likely to take things personally. So when the DA pulls away, the secure does not think of living alone forever. But they will communicate and if things do not change, will accept the breakup, self-soothe and move on.
However, if you are an anxious person ask yourself why you have not yet left a relationship dynamic that seems toxic. Sympathy and empathy are two different terms yet you seem to be doing both rather than doing the latter. You must move on by blocking him if you can. Though it see2ms rude, it could be the only solution if you cannot move on from what might clearly be a toxic relationship dynamic.
Hello,
I have completely changed how I interact with the DA male I’ve been on and off involved with. I used to chase. I almost always contacted first. I’m done with that. He never wanted to have a real relationship. I finally straight out told him that it won’t work for me anymore unless he’s interested in being more serious. I didn’t think I’d hear from him again. I don’t contact him at all now. Strange thing is he shows up texting me now every couple weeks or so. Just light superficial texts, not asking to get together. I respond in a kind and friendly way. I’m standing my ground though. I won’t accept crumbs anymore! Chloe
Response: Hello Chloe and thanks for writing this letter. Though it is unclear what you are trying to say, the letter suggests that you want to know if he is still interested. If this is to go by then you must understand that being interested in you does not necessarily warrant a relationship. But it is different when an ex, especially a DA gives time, texts, affections, compliments, talks about the future. This is because they hardly express their emotions. However, people pleasing DAs do not have problems with this especially if you are not chasing them anymore.
If you still want a romantic connection with him, then contact him because they are often in fight or flight mode. Be clear about your intentions and hear from his side. This helps both of you avoid personal egos to get in the way. You will notice that so many people, especially partners sharing a child become prideful and confront the other person for being irresponsible. This causes the accused person to become more avoidant hence abandoning the baby probably until later in future.
Hello,
I and my ex broke up three years ago. I still miss her especially because she keeps posting memories of me and her on her Facebook. What’s so funny is that she is already married. This is making me not to move on yet I have tried. What is happening to me? Will she ever come back? Franklin
Response: Thanks, Franklin, for this letter. Finding it difficult to move on is because you are still allowing her to linger in your life. You might be in fact dealing with a controlling anxious attachment or a narcissist or both. They are subconsciously or consciously used to not care about your feelings but theirs. When they feel insecure, lonely or powerless in their current relationship, they will look for a narcissistic supply. In this context you might be the most accessible.
They will breadcrumb you hoping for validation or drama. They can post information on social media for you to respond and feel lonely. In case they are after chaos/drama, you might end up picking a fight with the husband. Remember all these are subconscious strategies so even if they express excitement during the chaos, they may not notice this at a conscious level. They believe relationships or friendships are meant to be a power struggle. Even when you have a partner they believe you should find another as competition for her. They consider this normal.
In addition, you may easily recognize that you are lonely as opposed to the DA who is mostly lost in their own world. The AP wants people who give them a head start. They do not know themselves enough and their needs. Therefore, when they feel lonely, they panic. Incapable of self-soothing the AP can easily connect with people who breadcrumb or are emotionally unavailable, narcissistic or controlling. So you should know yourself first and understand your own needs.
Hi,
What does it mean when a Dismissive Avoidant Ex reaches out after breakup or no-contact? And what should I do? Asiku
Response: Hello Asiku and thanks for the letter. It depends on whether you are interested in reigniting the romance, which seems true. If you broke up with a DA do not expect a sudden text or a like on your social media post. They might be self-soothing from the pain. However, they may reach out, usually in a manner inconsiderate of how you might feel. This may be in the form of hi! Or just liking your social media post, or posting something you like, such as a song from your favourite music genre. Firstly, such vague communication should not warrant a response. This shows a disregard for you. They may not mean that but because they do not know how to communicate their feelings, they expect you to be the interpreter. So, they may have to put more effort in their communication.
But do not ignore that they may communicate just because they are lonely, or seeking validation, or wondering where you are at, or even looking for money. The best communication could have been a phone call, which shows a lot of effort. Or, when they show interest in meeting up and talking about what went wrong. However, do not expect a romantic connection, if they are not showing that in the message.
In case they want to reconnect, ensure their safety for deep conversations by not pressuring them. They also feel safe when they understand your fears. Keep conversations light. Also use your needs to negotiate. Acts of service are good for them, enjoying their hobbies, driving them, gifts that may not be so lavish. Words of affirmation and small complements are also good. Create strategies together. Know what your boundaries are and clarify them.
Hello,
Is it true that many girls bewitch men to love them more and then quit the relationship or marriage and leave the man confused? It seems this is happening to me. Someone told me he knows a witch who worked on his issues, and that he can take me there. Was I bewitched in the first place? She makes me feel like an idiot for chasing after her hoping for reconnection. Asiimwe
Response: Hello Asiimwe and thank you for the letter. Now, for issues to do with black magic and witchcraft, kindly approach an expert in African mysticism. They might provide you with the best answers. However, there is a huge chance you were in an anxious-avoidant relationship dynamic. Assuming your ex was FA, her subconscious convinces her with negative stories: ‘I will be betrayed anytime.’ ‘I cannot trust my partner,’ ‘I will be abandoned,’ ‘I am bad,’ ‘I am defective.’ ‘I am not good enough,’ ‘I am unworthy.’ They cope by figuring things that could ensure they do not feel trapped and powerless when with an attachment figure. If they find witchcraft the perfect solution, they will utilize it. However, if it is still ineffective in establishing safety in the relationship their fears will soon resurface, causing them to seek chaos.
Assuming you were AP in the love dynamic, what you generally find attractive is familiarity equals safety. So a controlling or compulsive person is more attractive since this is familiar. APs are easily attracted to traits in other people so they can fall in love with alpha males or classy straight talking ladies. This is evident in situations where someone makes them deeply seen, such as the person determined enough to get their attention through witchcraft.
CHAPTER FOUR
Loneliness and Communication if Ghosted/Stonewalled
Hello,
Why do I feel very hurt, lonely and anxious while waiting for texts from my partner or other people? Ben
Response: Hello Ben, thank you for your question. Again, just like the previous response, this happens to you because of the meaning you attach to the situation and unmet needs you are not meeting yourself, hence relying on another source. Because of your past experiences and imprints you may assume that the partner is not interested anymore, or they are dating someone else. Yet they may not necessarily be good at communicating using texts, or they might be busy or not in the right moods.
Through healthy communication, you should ask them questions instead of making conclusions based on your assumptions. Then ask yourself why you are not meeting those needs. It means you are not connected to yourself hence thinking about other people. You need to check on your own boundaries and think about meeting your own needs. Yes this seems harder, but that is the best solution. Even if you are in a relationship with a securely attached person, they cannot meet all your needs.
Hello,
My roommate at campus is dating a DA. However, she is constantly complaining the guy does not text her like before. She is growing frustrated with the relationship. Is she right to stick in it? Betty
Response: Hello Betty thank you for your concern regarding your roommate. She is likely an AP and the boyfriend an avoidant — dismissive in this love dynamic. The AP has fears around: feeling unimportant when they are not given attention for dates, texting back, and validation. This increases their anxiety hence assume they do not like them hence rejected. Even inconsistent communication creates uncertainty hence triggers their core wounds of abandonment and rejection.
However, they should consider the texting behaviors of the DA during the dating stage. Earlier, they would text once or twice a week, say ‘hi’ or ‘we should meet up,’ compared to an anxious person who wants to text every time. The DA is spending their time evaluating this person and trying to see if the partner is safe. For a people-pleasing DA, they will text back more and responses are short because they are not interested in texting but want to keep the relationship. Here she should ensure that they spend more time in person, because it is still easier to see each other more often. She should request him to communicate his fears around texting, or meeting in person so as to solve these issues. Also, she should be safe enough to avoid triggering their fight or flight response.
Hello,
…I read somewhere that a person has been stonewalled for almost a year, and they still desire the relationship! Whaaaaat? Holy mother of God I’m being ghosted for 2 months and I am exhausted already. Do these DAs ever feel lonely? Jemba
Response: Hello Jemba, thank you for your message. Every person is prone to loneliness because of: disconnection from self; fears brought into the relationship; behaviors from past relationships especially being cold and pushing people away after past experiences. Remember, someone can experience a shift towards DA after a long-term marriage to a DA. This is because they start viewing the world that way.
DAs can go through a period of loneliness when their parent is unavailable, or mentally challenged. But, their feeling of loneliness is repressed. When they yearn for connection, they eventually build a negative attitude towards being connected, and positive attitude towards loneliness. Though they may want connection they may not know what they need to get connected or express emotions. So, they may remain lonely and sometimes fail to notice.
Hello,
Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed to pick calls from my girlfriend because she rings like a thousand times in a day. I don’t know what to do about the situation! Any advice? Fred
Response: Hello Fred, thank you for the letter. She is possibly an anxious attachment and you might be an avoidant. First ask yourself the following questions: do you think if you pick the calls you will be betrayed or abandoned? Do you think you are bad, defective, not good enough, unworthy? Do you think when you pick her calls you will fall in love and be trapped, helpless, powerless, be attacked, unsafe or disrespected?
Therefore isolate the reason and work on them to feel more secure. Remember these are subconscious issues hence you need to recondition it through new stories in a consistent way. Also communicate to her so that she understands your boundaries and needs. Take her boundaries and needs into consideration and compromise together.
Hello,
I dated a married guy for eight months. He was loving, consistent and patiently waited for me for all the eight months before having sex. Two weeks back, we made love and the next day he changed, stopped picking calls and responding to my texts saying he is busy. Remember he made me fall in love before sabotaging the relationship. Do you think he will feel lonely and come back? Cardie
Response: Hello Cardie and thank you for the response. Firstly note that not everyone comes back regardless of whether the relationship ended in mutual terms. If they were DA and the relationship ended brutally, they are likely to categorize you as a horrible person, just to avoid ever meeting you again. If you ended on good terms, they may have some positives about you. And since they are used to self-soothing, they are probably doing just that.
Now without prejudice if he was polygamist and truly had feelings for you, then consider the following factors: Did you have strong clear boundaries in the first place? They respect people who stick to their boundaries. Were you meeting some of your needs? They assume a person who is needy and clingy lacks self-respect because during childhood being needy was considered weak. Was the sex good to the point they had the best connection with you? So, they may come back seeking the sexual connection and not necessarily a romantic one. If what they had with you was special and made them feel connected, they may come back for a genuine romantic connection. Did they fail to commit to you for a specific reason? Say career, mental health, financial status or they might have been recovering from a previous relationship. Did they enter another relationship immediately? Remember they do not process grief much like the anxious do, so can easily enter a rebound relationship before processing what both of you had.
In case he was an anxious attachment, at this point he will remain guarded and fearing that you might be in another relationship already. So they let their fears down slowly but will come back. They fear being hurt again and do not want to be trapped. Do not ignore the fact that they moved on possibly because, while with you, they communicated in their own way about their needs and boundaries but you did not change anything.
Contact him in at least six weeks, because at this time they can access their emotions and feel lonely. If nothing happens, such as failure to like your social media posts, not asking mutual friends anything about you, chances are that they have moved on. This means that they are done and do not want anything to do with you. So, move on because they might be in a new relationship. Start dating afresh.
Hello,
I have found out that I am super Anxious Preoccupied. Prior to this awareness, I was super clingy with ladies. I would text them way too much out of fear of losing any of them, but then I would be rejected and lose them. Also, putting other people first and losing myself. Though I am working on being better, I believe I am naturally like this. If you can throw me more advice please do! Ssebana
Response: Hello Ssebana, and thank you for the response. Firstly if you pay attention to what is written all over this book, you will notice that no one is born with the impacts of an attachment style. They get imprinted on you either during childhood or after a traumatic experience: illness, surgery, past relationship, accident, war, abuse and others. Again, the AP convinces themselves that I am unlovable, I am not that interesting enough, I am going to be alone, I am unimportant. Now, the fear of loneliness could cause you to be needy or clingy.
The anxiousness around loneliness of an AP increases if their partner wants or seems likely to abandon them. They could put the other on a pedestal and overly impress them by exposing them to the best getaways, cooking them the best food, wearing the best clothes, label them as the best ever partner, husband or wife among others. This scares an avoidant thinking that the AP expects the same from them. Also, avoidants believe neediness and vulnerability are for the weak, therefore push you away labelling you pathetic.
Remember an AP can self-abandon and people please. Therefore, it is better for you to have as many friends as possible to meet your needs, in that if one person pulls away you do not miss them that much. But as you do all these things, work on yourself and learn how to self-soothe as well as becoming more secure. This helps to attract a more secure lady.
Hello,
…when I’m rejected by a love interest, I get hurt so badly and feel stupid lonely. However, I have witnessed so many people get over it in a few weeks or months. For me I fail to eat and sometimes I resort to prayers to feel a little bit better. I’d like to know why this happens to me and what I can do about it. Nasolo
Response: Hello Nasolo, thank you for sharing your thoughts and experience. Firstly, rejection hurts everyone; no one wants to be rejected. Putting effort in romantic feelings and gestures is a lot of work — at least for many — and people who do this do not want it to go to waste. Secondly, this is common to the anxious attachment because of the internal meaning they give to things rather than the external. They consistently convince themselves that I am unlovable, I am not that interesting enough, I am going to be alone, I am unimportant.
Like mentioned in the earlier responses, making our worth depend on another’s approval causes neediness and self-abandonment. Therefore, make as many friends as possible to meet your needs, in that if one person rejects you, it does not affect you much. You can still get approval or validation from another person.
Also, besides prayer, take some notes from DA coping strategies. Numbing is not exclusive to DAs. Go out to parties, dates, and other churches. Improve your studies through reading books, watching Youtube and Tiktok, and attending school. Improve your work ethic, watch movies, play video games and more. This ensures you become more distracted and busier. But as you do all these things, work on yourself to become more secure. This also helps attract more secure individuals.
Hello,
People tell me to move on from my ex DA boyfriend whom I dated for five years yet in three months of no-contact he has already moved on with a female friend of his. I wanted to stay and fight for him. What’s your opinion on whether he is in a rebound relationship? Hanna.
Response: Hello Hanna and thank you for the letter. Though it does not indicate how close or serious you two were, five years is quite a long time. So it is very understandable why you would fight to save the relationship. However, fighting may not solve this situation entirely.
Before considering how you can navigate the situation, here is what happens when you go no-contact with a DA. First, they will feel relieved because they want their autonomy. If you are the one who pushed him away, he will categorize you into something not good, say boring, whore etc. Remember they look at things in black and white. Then they lose their feelings for you. As mentioned earlier, they are constantly looking for flaws in the relationship or you, because they do not feel like they should be connected with you.
They start looking at the greener pastures elsewhere. They enter the infatuation stage, where they get involved with another person. They get stubborn and start showing off the other person to their friends or family. This is done to indicate that they have made the best choice. Try not to check on their social media, since you may feel disrespected.
They get into the comparison phase. They start seeing what you did right in comparison to what they are getting at the moment. They start grieving or become remorseful; regretting and thinking about what both of you did. They may not reach out to you because they feel ashamed. Continue the no-contact and as you work on yourself, for them to see change in case they come back. This is because they broke up for a reason.
After approximately eight weeks, they start grieving about the relationship. They feel the pain and disappointment that comes with a breakup. At this point, they can reach out indirectly, maybe asking for the property they left at your home. They do this because they do not want to show that they need you. They will now terminate the current relationship because chances are that such relationships could fail. Remember few relationships last for more than ninety days especially if it was a rebound. This is the time you get to know a person better. If it survives for at least two years then it may become toxic.
Also, when you remain no-contact they feel betrayed, rejected and abandoned. So, if you reach out, keep things light and do not want to force the relationship. Also, they tend to have superficial relationships, sometimes as a hobby, or as an addiction. Next is to identify exactly what went wrong or what you did that violated their boundary. If it was something that goes against their morals like cheating, then they may take a lot of time to process and reconsider you. Then, were you so needy or clingy, which caused them to despise you. So you may have to work on this.
Hello,
…I really feel that some DAs seriously enjoy the power when their ex’s reach out to them. That’s what they’re used to. Isn’t it much better to allow them to come to you at their own pace/time, instead of reaching out first? Debbie
Response: Hello Debbie, thank you for the letter. Some things you have stated are true based on various factors, most of which mentioned in other responses. You can either reach out or allow them to. They tend to reach out more indirectly — liking your posts on social media, posting a picture of you with a mutual friend, posting a song on social media that you used to listen to together. Keep in mind that they do this because they miss you but may not be willing to do the work for both of you to get back together.
They may reach out directly but without expressing vulnerability, especially through a meme, o2r a link to an article. So, if you understand their perspective then you can communicate, while giving them space. If you are the type who wants them to work on their attachment then communicate while patiently waiting for them to express vulnerability. But ensure to lead the way and open dialogue since they fear to be shamed or criticized. They fear the realization that you found someone ‘better.’
They could reach out with vulnerability, initiating slightly deep conversations. Ensure that you discuss what exactly happened and how you can both fix the issue. They could also reach out and say they want to work on what went wrong. This is rare especially if the relationship has not exceeded a year, before they formed a deep attachment.
Hello,
But what if my DA boyfriend doesn’t even acknowledge that they’re stonewalling me, let alone that there’s an issue they’re going through? Whenever I try to gently approach the topic, I always get an ‘I am good…everything is good’ yet there is no change in behavior. I feel like as soon as I try to bring it up and form a conversation around it, I’m ghosted and sometimes he runs away. Do they even care about me? Grace
Response: Hello Grace, thank you for stating your concern. For your information, everyone under normal circumstances cares about people. For DAs in this context they will express some or all of the following: give you their time; give you their space, may be in their home; give you their money, resources they have worked hard to get; come back to an earlier argument and talk about it, trying to be secure with you; apologize even when it makes them feel ashamed. Yet, they identify vulnerability as a threat that often triggers their fight or flight response.
Hello,
I put up strict boundaries and walked away after my DA tried to shut down and walk away (she would always apologize later and thank me for sticking with her through the hell) for the fourth time in 2 months. I don’t think so. As an Anxious Attachment, this was very destructive for me. I love her but she needs to meet me in the middle just as I have for her. I’ve always been her source of peace and security and love. I have needs too. Ehh I’m no longer dating these emotionless avoidants period. I’m working on becoming secure myself to avoid being in a relationship all by myself. Anonymous
Response: Hello Anonymous, thank you for the message. Congratulations that you are working on becoming secure yourself. Now, DAs will express loneliness toward you when their feelings are higher than their fears. They may even say it to you. But if their fears become higher than their feelings, say if you mentioned commitment or exclusivity earlier on, or you talk about their flaws, then they will get triggered and their subconscious reminds them that ‘I am defective,’ ‘I am not good enough.’ This will send them into fight or flight mode, hence run away.
Also, because they grew up knowing how to take care of their own needs, then they do not see any reason why they should need you. ‘So why should I meet your needs if you cannot meet mine? they will say to themselves. Some DAs do not take ghosting being a big deal. Sometimes they may think that if they were ghosted, they will not mind much.
Hello dear,
I got some nice insight about attachment theory…I think determining how to talk to a DA when they are stonewalling sounds like walking on eggshells to please them by constantly being super careful of what you say and the way you say it. I think it will get exhausting after a while if you cannot freely express yourself in a relationship. Christ, the person in a relationship with the DA also has emotions. Sean
Response: Hello Sean and thank you for the comment. However, be mindful that the DA is used to avoid interaction and closeness as a coping strategy for safety. They might not even notice this consciously; instead think the other person is the problem. Do not pressure them to do what they do not need at the moment. Apparently, what they need at the moment is solitude, hence stonewalling you. Maybe she is busy, or in hardship, or afraid of you because you are directly or indirectly too critical of their behavior. This triggers their fight or flight response.
Also, avoidants generally do not communicate their needs because they believe no one can fulfil them. So communication to remind them is meant to be continuous, clear and in a secure way while you prioritize your needs. Before they became DA, their subconscious was moulded to view things in such a way due to consistent trauma.
Also request them to state those comments or conversations they find critical so as to avoid walking on eggshells without context. Because what you might consider as a light-hearted comment might be criticism on their part. If things do not change in a timeframe you set for yourself or even together without pressuring them, say two months if you have been dating for a year, you have to rethink if this relationship is actually meant for you.
Hi,
I and my boyfriend have been together for four months now…however, he made so many promises two and a half months ago that we will be an item by now. The moments we spent together were pure bliss! Now he’s ‘not sure’ about being in a relationship…I am secure and tried to always give him space knowing that he’s avoidant. But now what do I do or say to him because there is no change yet he ghosts me a lot? Nikki
Response: Hello Nikki, thanks for this brief letter. It is clear your boyfriend is not sure to commit to you at this stage. Though this may not be a problem at the moment, try to improve your communication in a clear and healthy way regarding what you want.
Giving them space does not necessarily improve their level of awareness in navigating romantic relationships. So, while taking their needs into consideration, ask them if they will work on committing in a specified future. Do not forget to ask if they simply wanted a superficial connection since anyone could for various reasons. For the DA, as mentioned in chapter one, they consider such relationships easier and not emotionally demanding hence safe. The DA will always evade emotional bonds because they are trying to go back to what is familiar — being extremely or hyper independent.
But do not rule out the fact that they may have connected with you in a rebound relationship and are now finally rethinking the decision. Or, like pointed out in the previous chapter, he is still gathering enough information about you hence unable to move to an advanced stage of the relationship. For the FAs, they have conflicting meanings they associate with romantic connections. They seem indecisive on whether they are good, necessary or fulfilling due to trust wounds established around attachment to another human. When they finally get attached to somebody, the unresolved trust wounds are triggered, affecting their capacity to commit, and sensing imminent betrayal, boredom and others. This happens while they simultaneously desire the relationship.
Hello,
…one month ago I was shocked by my girlfriend’s sudden exit when a simple request would have resolved everything. I noticed a shift in her attitude and asked her what was going on. Her answer was vague and I didn’t know what to do. I had no idea she was already checked out. A few days later she broke up with me. She treated me like I abused her yet I adored and cherished this creature. What is so weird is I loved her to death in the beginning, just as she did for me. I wish we’d read your book before this heartbreak. Can I do anything to get her back or it is all a waste of time? Frankie
Response: Hello Frankie, thank you for the brief letter. Based on the information you have provided, both of you loved each other prior to breakup, and no-contact for what seems like a month. This suggests that your girlfriend was either FA or DA. To be sure about your attachment style you can find out based on the descriptions in chapter one.
For all attachment styles, we are stable at the beginning, especially the first three months. Even a female DA will chase after a male at this point. Then our fears are triggered after developing a stronger attachment to the other, and we perceive the relationship as a threat. The avoidant starts to assume they will be betrayed, rejected or abandoned if their partner notices their flaws: not being good enough and others. They feel trapped, helpless, or powerless when attached and vulnerable to a figure that they already believe cannot meet their needs including the emotional needs.
The potential or direct threat of being attacked, unsafe or disrespected causes them to become over defensive, throw tantrums, criticisms or even fight. Since people are wired to seek pleasure and avoid pain as much as possible, her most logical choice was to withdraw or breakup. And in case you criticized them, they self-soothe when in pain, by either stonewalling or ghosting you.
So, in case you break no-contact, empower her to be more vulnerable. Together, isolate the main reasons that pushed her to run away. Encourage her to address her fears and in case she allows both of you to address the issues, help her from an informed perspective. If she does not contact you first in any way within the first six to eight weeks after no-contact, do it in case you are still interested. Probably she might not be comfortable initiating or might think that you moved on. However, for a DA, they might not be interested to communicate for months or even years for reasons mentioned in chapter one. So, know when to consider trying. After resuming contact ensure to enquire if she is still interested in the relationship and most especially in resolving the issues.
Sean, Nikki and Frankie communicate to your exes something similar to this: I noticed you have stonewalled/ghosted/ended things prematurely. I totally want to respect your decision in case you meant it. In case it was due to something we can work out, we still have the opportunity to get to the root of what the problem is. I would love it if you could hear me out, and I also do the same. Please think about this and let me know if there is a time you feel comfortable to openly communicate about this. And if you are open to doing that, I am happy to respect, hear and understand what’s going on for you emotionally, and what you need going forward, as long as you are also willing to do the same for me. Let us approach it from a really respectful and empowering place. I feel I can do that, let me know when you are ready too.
Remember the purpose of your communication is to understand and empathize with them and why they broke up or went no-contact, not whether you should resume the relationship if you find it difficult to meet their needs.
Hello,
My ex is apparently avoidant. Some months ago before we stopped serious communication she finally opened up about her family, plans and feelings for me. Funnily, a few days later she decided to leave out of the blue. Her friends contacted me several times about everything because to all of us it made no sense. Meanwhile, they learnt she cheated with a co-worker. She accepted this yesterday when I tweeted her about it but then she shut me out. The only problem I have now is that I still care for her. Am I dumb? OJ.
Response: Dear OJ, thank you for this letter and much appreciation that you still care about your ex-girlfriend. By no means are you dumb. However, it is unclear what ‘care’ means in this context: is it financially or you simply have romantic feelings for her! Also, you have not stated how long the relationship lasted and how often you communicate to each other. It seems the relationship has passed three months and you are likely still on good terms.
As suggested in chapter one, the DA finds opening up unfamiliar and a sign of weakness. They grew up being shamed or criticized for doing that. For example, their parent/guardian spanked them for talking about their needs. These include asking for money, food, scholastic materials among others. They were also shamed for crying over hunger, property or injury. Subsequently, they developed negative associations towards yearning for a need from anyone since our immediate parent/guardian is the example of how people behave.
To avoid this pain they cope through suppressing it instead of communicating to any other person. They developed their own assertive solutions. Their own solutions may involve learning to distract themselves through activities like videogames, sports, novels, movies, academics, work, alcohol or sex. Therefore they fail to solve the trauma which is left in the subconscious. When they finally get another attachment figure, a romantic partner for this case, their negative associations regarding vulnerability resurface from the subconscious to the conscious.
After opening up, they feel weak, trapped and powerless. Most times they sense imminent shaming or criticism. They solve it familiarly — by running away or even doing extreme things like shutting you out or stonewalling you through blacklisting your phone number. Notice that these are solutions they personally developed and have utilized over the years to positive results. To suppress the feelings they had for you may push them to eventually cheat or move into a rebound relationship since they might be promiscuous due to past experience.
Since she is able to respond to you, request to meet up physically. Ensure that you are better equipped to be understanding and non-judgemental so as to create a safe environment for dialogue. Communicate your fears while asking her to communicate hers and the real cause of the issue. Do not pressure her to reveal her childhood trauma but rather ask her the best time they would feel comfortable to do so. Convince her that vulnerability is not a weakness, and do this consistently and securely. Do not forget to prioritize your boundaries while asking her to do the same and reach a compromise. For example if she has an insatiable desire for cheating, ask her to address this through reducing contact with male employees.
In case she is FA you can say something like, ‘Hey I have realized we are not as close as before, and I respect this because you need your space, but if you remain like this then we won’t get into the root cause of the problem. But if you like, tell me when you will be capable to communicate so that we can solve this. I want to understand your experiences. I also want to be heard too. Let us do this respectfully.’
Hello,
I’m 28 years old and my girlfriend is 24. We’ve been staying together and making future plans together. I recently brought up the topic of marriage, telling her I want to settle down when I turn 29 years which is in three months’ time. She seemed fine with the conversation. However, the following day when I returned from work she had packed her clothes and left. Confused, I called her but she said she might not be happy if we get married because of the way I’ve been treating her, like not caring enough or communicating well. I’ve been doing my best to change to care more, communicate more but her mood changes whenever I talk about love issues. Then she told me she got fade up of me long time ago and just wants us to remain friends. After a week she said she wants three more years to settle and will not return unless I agree to that. Honestly, I love her but I cannot wait for three more years due to family reasons. How should I communicate to her to let her know that I am letting her go? Kylian
Response: Hello Kylian, thank you for your email. It seems you have done your best given the circumstances you have provided. Your girlfriend or ex, if you can call her that could be an avoidant. Or she could be passing through an issue that she is yet to reveal to you. Due to the relatively short time both of you dated and some of the reasons mentioned in the previous content, you might reconsider your decision to reconnect and work on the relationship. However, kindly say or write something similar to:
Hey I have noticed our closeness has drifted further apart and our differences seem irreconcilable. We have failed to agree with my decision to get married sooner than you wanted. I am not upset by your perspective. Know that I think highly of you. But, I want us to end this relationship and I hope you do the same, so that we end on good terms. Thank you for the good, fun filled moments we had and I hope I tried my best to do the same. I wish you the best in your future plans and relationship. I am open for a friendship.
Remember they do not want to be confronted. So, they might not respond to this if it seems confrontational. It is not natural to them if they did not experience it in childhood.
CHAPTER FIVE
Sympathy with another Style
Dear Sir,
Is it true that women suffer because they like forgiving and forgetting because of love? I think they should leave immediately men show signs of violence. How do they even learn how to be tolerant? Bruno
Response: Hello Bruno and thank you for your opinion and question. For starters, there are hundreds of men who tolerate their partner’s weird behaviors because of love, apparently. Leaving a relationship because of violence is a decision dependent on various factors. For example, is it what the individual wants! Or does it rest on other factors, like marriage obligation, financial status, family, clan or religious beliefs?
Knowledge on attachment styles is not necessarily meant to discourage people from connecting with the insecure. It also serves to enhance people’s awareness about what to expect in a relationship dynamic with someone struggling with the particular attachment or personality disorder. For example a woman might be with a partner who is AP. Occasionally the partner might assume the wife is not recognizing his importance, like not thanking him for buying food, which triggers him to feel not good enough. The husband will personalize it and may think the partner is dating another person instead of asking them why they do not thank them.
This implies that the wife should make an effort to address why they do not empower the husband with words of affirmation. It could be that her sibling or parent is sick, or they are experiencing stress of raising their kids, or the relationship has become less exciting because they got married before the power struggle phase. Also the husband could be authoritative and unapproachable to accept their concerns. Either way the wife, if willing to be with an AP husband should respect his boundary and meet his needs to prevent conflict and violence.
Hello,
Is it true people who have been abused in a relationship find it hard to leave it unless they are constantly encouraged by family members? Amongin
Response: Hello Amongin, thank you for this question. The previous response has partly covered what this question requires. In addition, some people may be unaware that if their needs and boundaries are respected the more people respect them. Implying that if you change yourself to suit the needs and desires of the partner the more they do not even acknowledge that you have a need yourself. For example you could have a need you love so much, say to be told I love you, you look cute, let me help you to cook today and others.
So long as she can get these needs from elsewhere, she may experience a shift from insecure to secure and heal from the abuse. Unless healing at the source of this trauma seems impossible then leaving might be an option. Yes, leaving a relationship when things are irreconcilable is accepted by law, unless other factors are a hindrance.
Hi,
…My fiancé is DA. He hardly ever asks ‘are you okay?’ Or showed any emotional support when I am upset. He is ALWAYS in a very intellectual and practical mind-set which can come across as cold and uncaring. I asked him to change but he simply says he’s used to it. He says we can be together, but I’m wondering how I’ll handle this situation. Nalule
Response: Hello Nalule and thank you for raising your concerns. If you have tried to express your needs and boundaries and he has failed to acknowledge them then chances are high that he will permanently reject them in future. However, as mentioned earlier in the book, attachments can shift with age and experience, so he might become secure years or decades into the future. However, if you are to live with a DA ensure to understand their love language like, acts of service (cooking you dinner, driving you); which are easier to express than saying I love you or how are you, which make them feel very vulnerable; words of affirmation; gifts; verbal complements and not too flirty; motivation because some people need to be convinced that they have untapped potential. Pressuring them may seem like condemnation to them.
Hi,
My brother was robbed yesterday by his now ex-fiancée. I experienced a similar problem with my ex two years ago. Is it true that we should fear this gender and avoid them like the plague? And also why do we keep attracting psychotic DAs? Tony J.
Response: Hello Tony, and thank you for raising your concerns. Firstly, for your information anyone can rob anyone including you so long as they lack empathy for your wellbeing. One does not have to be purely evil to do that. Also attracting a DA is not necessarily a sign of weakness, but without clear boundaries, pain in the relationship dynamic with any attachment is inevitable even with a secure attachment. So put a lot of work in addressing your fears to attract a secure partner.
In case you attract another DA, know that they are usually attracted by people who relentlessly seek their attention. The secure people are less likely to do this since they are often confident they can get another partner in future. The anxious attached however can chase after a DA for as long as possible. The anxious are familiar with working hard to gain the other person’s trust or attention. On the other hand the DA is mostly pushing people away because they believe they do not need them. This creates an unhealthy relationship dynamic between the chasing anxious attachment and the pushing DA. The DA might eventually give in to an AP who has showed beyond reasonable doubt that they ‘know what they want in the DA.’
Also the AP seeks closeness through familiar strategies like manipulation and lavish gestures. They will use statements like ‘I will give you anything you want in life if you let me marry you.’ Since an avoidant prioritizes survival needs and boundaries more than any other insecure attachment, they can accept the proposal based on your promises. If they get married to you without working on their insecurities they may get triggered if the survival needs are not being met satisfactorily. So they can rob you if they are moulded that way. They are good at suppressing their own emotions around sadness and grief, hence unable to process and sympathize with your loss in the short run.
With a DA of that mind-set, you must have an almost endless supply of cash to fulfil all the promises you made to them. Sympathize with them regarding the stereotypes they have around marriage and be aware that they can shift their opinion about you in case of incongruence or inconsistency. For example, delivering on all your promises makes you a good or smart man and doing the opposite implies you are bad or stupid. This is because they are black and white and ‘call a spade a spade.’
Hello,
I have been with my girlfriend for the past five months but every time l invite her at my place she doesn’t allow me to touch her at all. Recently she promised to come through. l cooked and prepared myself. But she decided not to show up. Yet l always send her money when she asks for it. Does she love me? Can I even conform to this bullsh*t? Jason.
Response: Hello Jason, thank you for raising your concern. Firstly, though it is unclear what you meant by ‘I prepared myself,’ it is suggestive that you wanted sex or something similar. Inviting her to your place and giving her money when she asks does not imply that they must conform to your perception of romantic connection. Unlike FAs, DAs are not mind-readers so might think that the visit is for a casual conversation or business deal among others.
Being black and white causes them to believe that everyone should embrace their perceptions or else they are ‘evil’ and do not deserve their attention. However, there are many other factors that would provide greater insight into their behavior, including religion, culture, health and others. While dating them you should know that they are slow in vetting and assessing someone before commitment to avoid vulnerability. They often focus on what they want in a person ignoring the other person’s needs. For example, they do not ask ‘will he like me if I believe in no sex before marriage?’ Instead they believe that your desire for sex before marriage is evil. Therefore you might need to first marry them to get it.
DAs are often survivalists in a way that they can take your money without giving you any. They are mostly used to being takers rather than givers, so they subconsciously take advantage of a situation where they get free money.
If they have no problem with availing sex, they may become ‘nit-picky’ of your flaws like a poorly built body, your lack of aggression while requesting for sex. So get further education on the different ways of getting sex from them. Such lessons can be learnt from other married people, Youtube, websites, blogs and many others.
Hello,
I can’t imagine my wife bought a dog and named him #BigBoy. Yet, she has never called me any sexy name ever since we met. She keeps calling him baby, sweetheart, handsome and many more that make me jealous to the point I just want to stop the dog from breathing by choking him. Am I just over thinking things? Can I survive in this marriage which I cannot reverse? Oketcho
Response: Hello Oketcho, thank you for raising your concerns through this text. You can co-exist in a romantic relationship with your girlfriend even without imagining a love triangle including the dog. Also strangling it may not solve the conflict since she can buy another one if possible. However it is the awareness of why a DA values pets or friendships rather than a romantic partner that could help you. Since they are always disconnected from themselves, DAs need something that can take their time — such as pets.
The relationships with pets or cars are just easier and safer, since they do not require emotional investment. They tend to recover late after conflict so will avoid it with another person by keeping them at a distance. Also interacting with another attachment figure requires vulnerability which they associate with pain, rejection and not meeting needs. But since we humans are wired for connection, even a DA will need either a romantic or platonic partner, who is you in this case.
So it is important to give them space when you can tell they need it. Let them know that you appreciate their boundaries and needs. And let them know you will be there whenever they need you. Be consistent and slow in attracting them. They are slow moving in relationships especially while dating. Do not pressure them to call you sexy names but be consistent if you call them a name they like. When you have a need unmet do not be critical, but be safe.
Hello,
…why is it that every man I come across thinks that the only way of winning a girl’s heart is by having a lot of money? I find that sexist and a bit old school. Does this stereotype have anything to do with a person’s attachment style? Janat
Response: Hello Janat, and thank you for these questions. The answers to them can be yes and no. It is highly unlikely that every man you have met believes in that stereotype as there are hundreds who are on the opposite side of the spectrum. However, any attachment style can embrace the stereotype for various reasons.
The anxious attachments could do this because they view every relationship dynamic as a power struggle platform. If you wield more power and control than the other person the safer you are. They fear being powerless, helpless, and unimportant among others. So they hope that by possessing as much money as possible they could control their partner.
The DA could simply believe this stereotype because they are resistant to change in knowledge or opinion. Open-mindedness is quite difficult for them since they have not had this moulding since childhood. They had to learn to solve a problem using a single perspective that they found most suitable. So if they are exposed to a stereotype they will either strongly believe it or strongly reject it, not both.
The secure can embrace a stereotype if they lack sufficient knowledge to embrace the opposite. However, they are usually open to multiple perspectives because they are often open-minded or pragmatic. They also do this depending on the context, such as culture, and family background of the woman and others.
Hello,
I work at a ministry and have provided my housewife almost everything she wants at home. However, she moves around the neighborhood on a daily basis backbiting people and causing conflict. Won’t I run mad? Solo
Response: Hello Solo and thank you for this letter. It is clear that your wife is an anxious attachment and most likely an FA. They are usually disconnected due to childhood trauma caused by chaos in their home. Their parents were emotionally volatile hence unpredictable. One day they are okay and providing needs, the other day they start taking alcohol, drugs and disconnect. The FA therefore learnt how to be hyper-vigilant to people and their environment to feel safe. Therefore, they could predict chaos by noticing the patterns that could lead their parent to alcoholism and the patterns when they were recovering and acting nice. This helped them avoid conflict.
As they grew up they utilized their mind-reading skills in every connection and environment. However, familiarity with conflict pushes them to seek it especially when their fears around I am powerless; I will be attacked; I am not liked; I am not worthy; I am bad get triggered. So they move throughout the neighborhood to discover and confront potential haters or double crossers, those they suspect of backbiting or bewitching them. Also, they are looking for people to control or ridicule since FAs are generally spiteful. They often seek for people struggling with illness, poverty, marriage, business and others to confirm their pessimism of an unforgiving and chaotic world. They may also seek validation or people who could potentially be attracted to them because they suspect you might as well be cheating or micro-cheating on them.
So you must consistently prove your love for only her to lessen her suspicions of you cheating or flirting with other people. If you are not good at drama you should allow her to access it from a more chaotic person(s). Allow her to contact them to keep her preoccupied with drama throughout the day. Recommend her television programs, Tiktok or Youtube channels that provide news on the struggles celebrities face. These include failed music concerts, failing celebrity relationships, celebrity wrangles and others. Do not be shocked if they eventually cheat on you since their conversations with acquaintances involve vulgar and sexually seductive words.
Hello,
I have been with my wife for two years now with a one-year old daughter. She is sexually disengaged and only makes love to me whenever she wants and not whenever I want. It is always so enjoyable each time we have it, like once a month. But I get so starved yet I do not want to cheat on her. We have talked about it but nothing seems to change. What can I do? Personally, I am thinking of getting someone else to satisfy me sexually, AKA a side chic! Amin
Response: Hello Amin, and thank you for the letter. For your information, sexual desires are also influenced by hormones. Both of you should explore various causes of the problem including health, besides psychological and physical reasons. If she is just simply disengaged for the sake of personal ego then there are other better options to solve the matter. For example, involving a third party like a relative, therapist or religious leader depending on who both of you find safe and approachable.
But if you still find the above approaches ineffective then chances are high that she is DA, and will be unavailable for sex more often than you want. The DA will do this if they consider that sex strengthens a romantic bond. Remember they hate expressing emotion that results from being vulnerable to another person. So allow them as much space and independence as possible. Only wait until their sexual desires increase and when it does do not let them beg you for sex. They do not want to feel dependent on someone for a need. This can push them to engage in masturbation or superficial relationships for sex fulfilment.
Do not be critical and pressuring for them to meet your sexual needs. If you still fail to control your sexual desires for a month, then meet that need yourself. For example, if you find no moral or religious contradictions in cheating then get a side chic. But they can be quite expensive because you are most likely to land on a DA, known for being survivalists. To solve this you may access sex workers. The caveat to this is sex work is illegal, requiring you to be smart enough to avoid capture or dealing with an underage. Senegal and Eritrea are the nearest countries where sex work is legal and regulated. So get yourself either visa if you are so determined for this thing.
Hello,
Why do most of the girls I date love money so much? I keep telling them to attach more importance to the romance but they get annoyed whenever I bring it up. Last week my latest girlfriend was constantly talking about how she needs money and I angrily responded: ‘JESUS, MONEY IS JUST A PIECE OF PAPER THAT I CAN EVEN WIPE MY A*S WITH!’ The following day she blocked me until now. Do they even love me or are they just interested in the cash? What should I do to avoid offending her? Jeremy
Response: Hello Jeremy and thank you for this seemingly hilarious but touching experience. The answer to whether they love you or simply interested in the money is mentioned and discussed throughout this book. But, what you should do to be together without being offensive is simply to be inoffensive. Assess all your jokes to ensure they are actually jokes and not criticisms since DAs are slow to process things and intentions. DAs are not mind-readers so may not differentiate between the two. Empathize with their beliefs and opinions about survival in general and their compulsive need for money in particular. Also, work hard to provide them with as much money as possible. Remember they are generally binary, implying that if they have an inherent belief that an adult male is only considered a man if he has a lot of money, they will take it seriously without a second opinion.
Hello,
My girlfriend doesn’t know how to cook. I have tried to teach her but she has failed to learn. These days she goes cold easily when I bring it up. I love her but I’m confused. Why can’t she cook yet I don’t want to leave her? Max
Response: Hello Max and thank you for the letter. Remember for the AP and the secure coldness is quite alien. But the DA most likely grew up in a household where they were only liked and rewarded for their capability to achieve a task. So happiness is rarely experienced in such a dynamic. The only way of finding happiness is by finding your own solutions to meet your needs and avoid being controlled.
In adulthood, even when you are not controlling, they may perceive you as being controlling even when you express a slight emotional outburst. The DA feels that if they are not doing something well then it will never improve. They believe they cannot reason with you so nothing is good enough for you. Or they have attempted to cook well but you are ungrateful. Remember their coldness may have nothing to do with your worthiness as a partner.
DAs hate being lectured or advised since it was uncommon for them to be advised by their parent during childhood. Advice was in the form of criticism, so they have painful associations with it. Others grew up in a home without parents hence took the responsibility of caring for their siblings. This required the DA to devise assertive solutions to each problem. Unlike the AP who was overburdened to care for others, the DA cared for only themselves or siblings. They do not think about how their actions affect others but themselves.
So be consistent with training her to cook better. Remain consistently patient because they might be slow-learners. If you still find her cooking terrible, put more effort in cooking yourself. Also, work on your mind-set to be more open-minded and secure. This will help you find no issue in being the cook at your home. However, this recommendation is perfect if you become indifferent to your family or clan members’ opinion when they discover your role in the home.
Hello,
I want to hide from my girlfriend and see if she can look for me. To me that will prove that she loves me. This does work doesn’t it? P.J.
Response: Hello PJ and thank you for this message. Mostly the anxious attachments could use such a manipulation strategy to pressure the partner to meet their needs. However, if the partner is avoidant they may get triggered in case of high expectations because they often put high pressure on themselves. They can withdraw or flip-flop with any indication of untrustworthiness; trying to make them jealous; treating them like they are perfect or putting them on a pedestal; relationship moving too fast. This makes them feel trapped, helpless, and powerless.
Assuming she is AP, know that they are constantly trying to connect more with you. Making them feel unimportant like not spending time with them, not planning dates, not texting back make them feel not good enough. It triggers them and they personalize it. They may think the partner is dating another person. Even passive aggression by you will trigger those core wounds. They hate incongruence and uncertainty. Instead of using manipulative strategies you should instead work to be secure and understand their traits and fears.
Hello,
My boyfriend says that he loves me but he does not want to marry me. What does that mean? Meg
Response: Hello Meg and thank you for the question. The perfect recommendation to you would be to ask him what he actually means by that. If you choose to remain in that relationship, understand that DAs view themselves as self-sufficient, invulnerable to attachment feelings and not needing intimacy. They believe marriage or having kids together will trap them in the relationship hence affect their autonomy. A DA may reject bids to involve in a romantic relationship to avoid potential rejection and criticism.
The solution is for you to respect their decision and meet that particular need from somewhere else. This implies that if marriage is your desire, then you should do it with another person, while loving him at the same time. This seems like a dangerous statement to make but hopefully you catch the drift. Do not pressure them to tell you why they want things that way. However, ensure their safety to avoid pushing you away.
You should understand that someone can love you but their past trauma can play a huge role in their marriage decisions. It may be due to religious obligations, or cultural differences or societal expectations. Some people are forced by family members to engage in ancient traditional practices like murder rituals and other crazy things, so fear to initiate you into their culture. Others might be struggling with a medical condition that might cause stigmatization if married to an insensitive person. Others simply want to cohabit because marriages in Uganda require official steps that require a lot of spending.
Hi,
I’m in a long-distance relationship with this guy whom claims to love me, and l love him too. But he still has a picture of himself and his ex-girlfriend on his WhatsApp dp. I have told him to change it but he’s told me l shouldn’t worry they are no longer together. Does this guy really love me? Katrina
Response: Hello Katrina and thank you for the text. As mentioned in an earlier chapter a DA views closeness or vulnerability as a threat. When they eventually get romantic feelings, their core wounds are triggered. Then get on their fearful side. This is worse when they are relatively far away from you because they assume you might connect with another person hence abandoning them. So to avoid the pain they abandon you first. They can create an idealized partner or what is known as a phantom-ex — which is an idealised ex-partner. Alternatively, they use their friend or previous ex-turned friend to indirectly indicate to you that they have a ‘plan B’ just in case you thought otherwise.
If he is an anxious attachment, they do this to manipulate you to work harder and prove that you actually love or need them. Remember they often believe they are not good enough, or worthy of love so they need assurance through your hard work for them. Most insecure attachments have communication limitations in romantic situations so will not tell you that their fears are around trusting you at the current moment.
So, ensure that you consistently love them, give them words of affirmation, validating their opinions around romance and others. Do not lose your patience and do something similar by putting a picture of another person as your profile picture. This incongruence will trigger their trust wounds hence scare them away.
Hello,
I’m an FA, still good friends with all exes, with one who I’m sure is also an FA. I think one day we’ll eventually really try to work through our avoidance tendencies and wind up married. We were each other’s best but still have the issue of leaving each other when real commitment is involved. Is this safe? Beth
Response: Hello Beth and thank you for the question. An FA may feel uncomfortable being with a helper because they do not want to trust or rely on another person. Their major wounds are around trust, hence tend to assume that another person could become very controlling hence making them helpless and powerless. However, FAs are usually attracted to wounded people because that is what they had to do as the attachment formed. They are very adaptive so grow relatively quickly and if another person is not growing up with them they can run away. So be aware of these issues in addition to others mentioned throughout this book to empathize with him.
Hello,
My boyfriend doesn’t want to help me with house chores, instead he commands me around the house as if he is my boss. I’ve become frustrated with this. Why is it that most guys can’t help ladies with house chores? Patience
Response: Hello Patience and thank you for this letter. Your boyfriend is likely an anxious attachment or a narcissist. If he is FA then he most likely grew up in some kind of controlling dynamic. They had to control themselves to walk on eggshells around an unhealthy, emotionally volatile or authoritarian parent or guardian.
They are usually unaware of your boundaries, or you are also violating theirs. None of you could be actually communicating your boundaries, yet assuming the other should respect them. Remember the anxious fear establishing boundaries because they assume it is unsafe since a person may abandon them for doing that. Also, you must inquire from him about how men treat their women. Some cultures cause their men to border on narcissism. This knowledge will help you empathize with him.
Conclusion
Hello,
I’ve no pity for any insecure woman they can accuse you of anything. Such accusations push you to the next woman, and that’s if you still want to breathe and have peace. I’m not sure if one can write anything decent about such people. Aren’t they are a waste of time and space in our society? Zed
Response: Hello Zed, and thank you for your letter. Your frustrations and concerns on insecure attachments are quite understandable because you are human after all. For your information, choosing a woman of your desire is a matter of taste. Fortunately, the level of democracy in this country is adequate enough for each adult citizen to avoid pairing with any other adult they deem unfitting. But, after reading this book you will hopefully find no pleasure to judge their interpersonal flaws. Actually, you may be inclined to coexist together and communicate in healthier ways that take into account their safety.
Various people in your life could be insecure: your child, parent, teacher, and employer among others. Remember, without access to specific information, they may not understand how to treat their trauma. Besides, human psychology is so fragile and largely at the mercies of forces beyond our control or comprehension. Some emotional issues are so complex to be reduced into current rational explanations. Nevertheless, having a homogeneous society seems quite mundane. Different attachments are beneficial to society as mentioned in the next paragraphs.
DAs and FAs can be very innovative and hardworking hence establish businesses that enhance human livelihoods and the country’s economy. This is because they always believe no one will ever meet their needs hence have to work for it. They will also achieve this because they fear working under other people who may control and openly criticize them. The FAs subconsciously believe they are bad, unimportant, not liked, or unworthy, so they will achieve this to improve their social status and avoid ridicule and criticism. Being loners and wrongly considered egocentric by their acquaintances, the DA will work hard to own businesses to meet every need, hence avoiding ridicule that is done to less successful people.
Since DAs are often resistant to change, interventions by government and non-governmental organisations aimed at mind-set change are planned as programs instead of one day events. For example, the practice of Female Genital Mutilations cannot be eradicated in less than a decade — it requires more years. This creates sustainable jobs for people. Remember, conditioning the subconscious requires consistency or repetition of a story hence time. Another example, convincing an avoidant that poverty is caused by many factors including inadequate business skills is difficult especially if they strongly believe it is a curse. Also the FA does not trust new interventions until they are convinced to do so.
DAs being black and white can strongly preserve their religion, cultural norms and traditional practices, fearing punishment from a divine being if they failed. Secure people are less likely to do the same until they are given tangible proof of the existence of the mystical. Secure attachments can be open-minded hence support and advocate for cultural shifts that lead to socioeconomic transformation. FAs being mind-readers can make for good psychics, behavioral scientists and prophets hence valuable as cultural leaders, criminal profilers/surveillance and religious authorities respectively.
Through numbing, DAs and FAs provide an audience for social media applications like Facebook, X, Tiktok, WhatsApp, Instagram, Youtube, Tinder and others. FAs can spend endless hours on these sites looking for chaotic news. DAs are usually loners hence need to connect with people and events remotely. Additionally, various radio/television shows and programs and music artists capitalize on these opportunities. FAs provide audience for music and comedies with vulgar or sexual undertones. FAs can access and spread rumors or news in their vicinity because they actively look for them.
The anxious attachments prioritize lavish gestures for people to recognize them, therefore provide a market to hotels, bars and restaurants; make up designers; landscape designers; and wedding and birthday party organisers among others. Since APs spend a lot of time creating romantic words to please their partners, these could be utilized on gifts, love songs, in books and phrases during marriages. The kindness of the anxious attachments is vital for philanthropy: caring for the sick, providing food to the hungry, and giving money to beggars.
The FA being empathetic and a deep connector can feel other people’s emotions and pains hence engage in advocacy, say in social justice, policy changes and others. This empathy is necessary for psychologists, psychoanalysts, psychiatrists, and preachers among others. The avoidant, being charismatic and often perfectionist make for good mentors, preachers, politicians, public speakers and others. DAs are good at fiction hence perfect as authors and filmmakers.
The open-mindedness or pragmatism of secure attachments is essential in making unbiased judgements on criminals, opinions, new technology, strategies and others. Criticism and stereotypes sustained by the avoidant can push people to work harder to feel worthy of marriage. For men they will have to get rich, and women have to ensure they are beautiful or physically fit to do housework. The anxieties of the anxious attachments are opportunities for fitness centres, dermatologists, beauticians, herbalists and plastic surgeons. This is due to their obsessions with achieving high standards of physical appearance or beauty hoping for praise or validation from others.
DAs can make for good soldiers since they can suppress their emotions, a trait required for killing a fellow human during war. Secure people are needed for political or peace negotiations with enemies since they often utilize pragmatism instead of relying on emotions and ego in decision-making.
Insecure attachments cause fear in society through their trust in curses, superstitions and witchcraft. They usually curse people because of poor conflict resolution skills. Therefore they surrender their wrong-doer to a higher power to inflict as much pain to them as they feel.
DAs are most likely to engage in one night stands or promiscuous behavior than any other attachment style. This is an opportunity for either married or unmarried people to quench their sexual desires. DAs could promote polygamy because they prefer pairing with long-distance partners rather than those who desire daily intimacy. The APs are usually loyal romantic partners and could promote monogamous relationships since they prefer high levels of intimacy.
Securely attached people could make for good leaders and team players, thanks to their flexibility to accommodate people regardless of sexuality, race, religion, ethnicity and others. Secure attachments can easily pair with any attachment style provided the partner works on becoming more secure themselves.
The anxious attachments are more likely to become narcissistic and impulsive than the other two attachment styles. This could push them to engage in bullying, domestic violence, rebellions, drug trafficking, land-grabbing and encroachment in protected areas among others. This compels the establishment of school disciplinary committees, police force, the army, prisons, ministries, judiciary and parliament to curb their behavior hence creating jobs for the citizens.
The tendency of FAs to flip-flop during negotiations makes them appear indecisive, thus requiring the engagement of lawyers for formal agreements to ensure clarity and stability. Fearful avoidants commonly struggle with trust issues, which holds significant importance for us as humans. Given our history marked by wars and numerous atrocities, the vulnerability to harm is heightened, making trust a crucial aspect of human relationships.