What moving halfway around the world meant to me

I moved to the UK seven months ago to pursue a career I thought I had already given up. I needed to grow and explore and this was the easiest way out. I realized I’ve lived in a comfortable bubble for too long and that there is no more growth for me in that tight bubble. So I flew and I left everything behind. Everything except the very little courage I managed to save over time.

It wasn’t easy. I’ve lived away from my parents back when I was in college but they still came to see me every weekend, they still rushed to me whenever I needed help. This time it’s different. I come home everyday to an empty room, empty except for the deafening silence and the haunting solitude. There’s no one to cook for me this time at the end of an exhausting day, no one to check on me when I’m sick. I was never good at taking care of myself even back home, and though I already knew what moving away would demand of me, it still came as a shock and I struggled with domestic chores and personal preservation.

Homesickness is real and debilitating. The first few months I would wake up from a dream and I would break down and cry because I miss the comfort of the familiar. I would think about everyone I left behind and everything I traded for for this opportunity and I would wonder if it’s worth it. I would start doubting and I would drown myself in fear — no one would see me cry anyway, no one would know. I still get homesick every now and then, but if you’ve cried enough times you would eventually realize that crying won’t change anything. You either go all in or go home. I keep going back to the reasons why I came here, and I refuse to go home as the same weak child I was. So I’ve learned to fight back tears better.

I have so much time alone now. Back home I rarely had quiet, alone times. I craved for them. But here, it’s 98% quiet, alone time. I thought I would get used to being alone quite easily being the introvert that I am, but it’s a different kind of alone. You’re literally and figuratively alone. It gets overwhelmingly sad at times because it is in these moments that you get to think about so many things. You know the moment before you fall asleep where your whole life flashes in your mind and you end up not sleeping in the end? Yep it’s 98% like that.

I’ve learned a lot about myself these past few months. I’ve changed my mind about some things as well, recalibrated my beliefs and weighed my values. Even the way I see and think about love has changed. I think I’ve finally come to the point where I realize who and what are important to me. I’ve made bad decisions in the past and I’ve turned away the best kind of people. I’m not proud and I feel terrible for not seeing things clearly back then. But now I have and I hope I can make things right and move forward.

It’s not all that bad, this self-training experience. To be fair, I think I’m achieving the initial goals of personal growth I set up for myself before I came here. But there’s still so much work left for me to do. Though the road is rough, I am determined to push through. I hope I find the meaning and purpose I am desperately looking for. And I hope I come back as a better version of myself.