he’s got that dog in him, but it is a different kind of dog
embracing your (male) softness in a world that teaches us that masculinity is defined through toughness
Growing up in the y2k hip-hop/basketball world, being tough was essential for being respected. If someone was labeled soft, it meant he was useless, not for real. It was the worst thing that could happen to your standing, you lost your position, your respect. It’s shameful for me to confess that I as well was so convinced of these beliefs, that I despised people who I perceived as “soft”. Especially teammates who would not fight until the end, who would not hustle for every loose ball or who would fold under pressure. I felt disdain for them, when they would choose to rest & to stop playing after they got hurt or were ill. Be assured, they were right in doing so. They were listening to their body and practised self-love, but my twisted thoughts were: „what a pussy“. I had learned you have to fight through it, tough it out — be a „man“. This was the credo I was socialised with and we held each other accountable for: „Whatever you do, just don’t be a pussy“.
There was this constant pressure to be tough, to perform and to not fold under pressure, to not show any weaknesses, any signs of vulnerability. The only acceptable emotion was anger. In a strange way, it was even cool to lose your shit and to rage. Anger is tough, crying is weak. Violence or emotional outbursts were framed as brave and cool. Through movies, lyrics or watching older guys we looked up to we learned that being a man is about being vicious. It created these entirely distorted beliefs about gender norms, about what is manly, what is strong, what is weak. DMX was the soundtrack to this pit-bull mentality, not backing down, not being afraid of anything. If you are scared or timid, then you are soft and not ready for life. This poisonous, internalised mindset created so much unnecessary pressure of not showing any feelings, of not listening to our body, of withholding us of love and life. Writing all of this, still fills me with shame, how could I believe this BS and live by it? Thankfully, we live in a different, more open-minded world now in comparison to the 90s or the y2k era. Gen Z is much more progressive and gender norms are evolving. Likewise, I am living a different life with a different mindset nowadays, miles away from my early days of toxic masculinity. Being surrounded by a bubble of progressive and open-minded people, who would never in a million years associate softness with weakness, I sometimes forget how, in other circles, this mindset still is omnipresent, especially in sports and hip hop culture. I don’t need to tell you, that patriarchy is still very much alive. I notice it every time I am surrounded by my old bball friends or when I check their group chat and witness their slang. For example, they use “that’s tuff” as a sign of respect for someone. It is tuff to hit a gamewinner in somebody’s face or to have a million followers. When someone is mentally tough and able to perform under pressure he gets praised as “he’s got that dog in him”, passing the toughness test. Meme culture created an x-ray image of an human chest with a dog in it, which I actually like and think its funny, if it would not be connected to this poisonous ideology. I love dogs and I am sure I also have a dog in me, but it is a different kind of dog, a cute dog, playful, easily scared, maybe a bit chubby and slow, and definitely not with a pit-bull mentality.
Vice versa if someone fails the test and folds under pressure, then “he ain’t got that dog in him” and gets labelled as soft. The meme for these “losers” is “The Charmin Ultra Soft Family” referring to the acclaimed softness of Charmin toilet paper and this sweet bear family:
Secretly, I always knew that I was not as tough as some other guys. I did not grow up in the hood and although my father was absent, I had a loving mother, who cared for me. I was shy and never got into any real streetfights. Just the imagination of punching someone full-force in their face scared me. I visualised shattering their fragile facial bones and questioned my own street toughness or if I would be able to fulfil these odd expectations for male adolescents. I tried to hide these perceived weaknesses from others — better no one will notice how cowardly I secretly am. Hiding my softness, my sensitivity, my emotions — it was not masculine to be this way. Showing no feelings, being unbothered.
Even though I distanced myself from my former life and former circle of friends, I am still trying to unlearn the leftovers of these beliefs about masculinity to this day. The thing with those early acquired and thus deeply rooted beliefs is: they can be bloody persistent. Sometimes you think you have finally gotten rid of them and liberated yourself from these backwardly notions. Then all of a sudden the residuals of this mindset and this life you left behind come creeping back into your head. These beliefs definitely got that dawg in them, they doggedly pursue you, they are not easily shaken off.
That’s why it’s even more important to share some of the tools that helped me to unlearn them.
Toolkit:
- first step is naming the limiting or destructive beliefs. You can only unlearn something, if you can name it. bringing it to paper also helps.
- realising that these beliefs are not true & surrounding yourself with people who support you in reframing them or who are at least willing to discuss them. I don’t like cutting people off, but if there are ignorant people, who are not willing to change their perspective and who want to uphold this type of masculinity, you are allowed to hang out with other, more mature people (don’t fall for toxic loyality, thinking you have to stay friends with them). Asking: „You want to be cool or you want to be free?“
- really helpful to find new role models with healthier mindsets, a new definition and deconstruction of masculinity. Men who embrace their femininity, their softness, who are vulnerable and emotional. This is real strength. Don’t give them toxic fools any power about defining what strength, coolness or masculinity means. (→ book list at the end of the post)
- one tool that helped me fight & reframe the dogged beliefs is Byron Katie’s „The Work“. It is an easy practice with four questions, sometimes feels even a bit too easy to have faith in it. But trust me, it helps immensely to reverse these thoughts and create new affirmations, you can then use to overwrite the old beliefs.
Example of “The Work” by Byron Katie:
I have the belief: “Men need to be tough”
The four questions:
1) Is this true? Maybe first I would still say yes, because the belief is deeply rooted. Men need to be tough, don’t they?
2) Can you absolutely know that it’s true? Maybe now I say no, because how can I be absolutely certain that it is true?
3) How do you react, what happens when you believe that thought? I feel a lot of pressure, I feel like I am wrong the way I am, I feel like I am not allowed to show my authentic self or to have any feelings.
4) Who or what would you be without the thought? I would be liberated, less pressured to be some way, allowing myself to feel my feelings, I would be softer, more loving, more able to receive love.
Next step is to turn that thought around and to contemplate how that new thought is as true or truer:
”Men don’t need to be tough” or “Men can be soft”
=> is this as true or truer? hell yeah
=> now you can examine how this new belief would make you feel. Plus you have an affirmation you can use daily or weekly to establish the new belief. Write it on a piece of paper and stick it on your wall or write it in your notebook - last but not least: meditation, the all-purpose weapon for mental health issues does of course also help with shaking off old beliefs. Being able to observe your thoughts makes it easier to dismantle and distance yourself from them. Having a consistent meditation practice is key for gaining sovereignty over your thoughts — being able to decide which beliefs should take up space in your mind.
~ affirmations for embracing your softness ~
- I am capable of loving all of who I am. I am willing to live all of who I am.
- I am proud of my softness. I am proud of my emotionality.
- I am allowed to be soft. I am allowed to not be tough.
- Crying is not weak, crying is healthy.
- I don’t have to fight. To surrender is not weak. It is brave.
- I surrender to love.
- I can’t control everything, I surrender to life.
- I allow myself to feel my emotions, whatever comes up is valid.
- I allow myself to move on from old beliefs.
- I know my truth and won’t let myself be led astray.
~ recommended books ~
- JJ Bola — Mask off, Masculinity redefined
=> In Mask Off, JJ Bola exposes masculinity as a performance that men are socially conditioned into. As a former bball player himself, he knows the masculine sports & hip-hop world. - Bell Hooks — The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity and Love
=> Everyone needs to love and be loved — even men. But to know love, men must be able to look at the ways that patriarchal culture keeps them from knowing themselves, from being in touch with their feelings, from loving. - Terrence Real — How Can I Get Through to You?: Closing the Intimacy Gap Between Men and Women
=> unearthing the causes of communication blocks between men and women, drawing on his pioneering work on male depression — explains how both men and women can escape the roles tradition has assigned them and develop the skills that lead to intimacy
=> he also coined the terms political and psychological patriarchy
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