I think too highly of myself, believing I can accomplish anything without the help of anyone else. I also tend to not develop deep relationships to avoid exposing my vulnerabilities.
I hyper-focus on concepts, ideas, and randomly specific topics. In reality, the vast majority are inane and result in the illusion of productivity and true knowledge.
I primarily live in my own thoughts, conversing with myself mainly in the form of questions and my hypotheses as to the answer, always indulging my innate curiosity that ranges from the mundane to the complex. My ego, then, often struggles with even entertaining the notion that I could be anything but 75% accurate at a minimum.
The above point leads to exceptional selfishishness, rarely giving much thought to how my actions will impact others. I like to tell myself that it’s a “benign selfishness;” an inevitable result of that time alone with my thoughts, combined with the notion that “Out of sight, out of mind” is spot on for me. I’m increasingly becoming dissatisfied with those being legitimate explanations as opposed to flimsy excuses used to deny a character flaw that can be fixed.
I strongly fear rejection, appearing unintelligent or incompetent, keeping me from taking risks or trying new things. The result being complete stagnation in my growth as a person, defaulting to activities that are familiar and safe. And in those rare opportunities where I do exit this comfort zone, the second things get more difficult than anticipated or I feel my performance is lackluster, I give up. You can’t fail an activity if you never try it, right?
Instead of looking for reasons to say yes to things, I always seek out reasons to say no, no matter how insignificant or irrational that reason is.
But if I had to identify what I believe to be my biggest flaw, which ties into many of the others, is my tendency to almost never follow through with my plans, intentions, or ideas. It’s quite easy to feel accomplished with the simple act of formulating random plans or coming up with elaborate ideas, thus leading to procrastination and laziness in the mistaken belief that coming up with these plans and ideas was the hard part, affording me time to slack off.
But, in spite of all of those flaws, here I am at 4 AM, oddly inspired to follow through on my plan to write on Medium formulated months ago, with the first idea for this post to be extremly honest with myself, and expose my vulnerabilities to whoever happens across this post.
Maybe there is indeed hope for me yet to work at correcting my flaws, choosing to confront them head on, while rejecting the notion that I’m saddled with these flaws for life and there’s nothing I can do about that.
I sincerely hope that this will not remain my sole post, but some unfamiliar drive within me refuses to accept that I won’t follow this up.
So, on that note, I’ll sign of with the promise that I will be back.
Maybe then I’ll have the foresight to actually introduce myself, as I’m not quite sure this is a typical introductory post.
My name is Nick Lattanzio, though, an unemployed college graduate riddled with flaws, but actively trying to change for once in my life. Apparently that might just be possible.