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An Experimental Study Of, Um, Something With People, I Think?

Why Is Everyone So Depressed Nowadays? I Don’t Know, But My Daughter Figured It Out!

She Says That There’s An Inherent Racial Bias In Policing, But I Just Don’t See That In Our Cul-De-Sac So I Don’t Know… Sounds Like An “Inner City” Problem

It’s Some Kind Of Important Thing In Women’s Studies… If I Had Known I Could Get A Ph.D. In That, I Would Have Stayed In School Longer! You Know What I’m Talking About, Bob!

She Spent Eight Years Studying Some Kind Of Math, Or Maybe Psychology…

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Artifact designation: 553.7a — Digital Storage Media, Hard Drive
Location: Mid-North America, region formerly known as Wichita, Kansas
Date of Discovery: 06/23/2519

Potential significance: This is the first discovery of a magnetic storage medium in North America, as nearly all such devices were destroyed in the Great Data Purge of 2093. Artifact has the potential to greatly inform our knowledge of early twenty-first century Americans.

Observations and analysis

A digital read/write magnetic storage medium bearing the name “Seagate” was discovered among the remains of what appears to be a bedroom from the early twenty-first century (as indicated by the presence…

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  1. hey
  2. personal request
  3. Can you host a party in Cambridge?
  4. Trump’s Tweet
  5. It’s time to tell the truth about unions
  6. Those women never complained about my hugs before, so
  7. I promise you, the President has a big stick
  8. keep reading these emails whether you like it or not, kid
  9. I’m not racist, but
  10. The younger generation now tells me how tough things are…give me a break
  11. sorry
  12. that kid wearing a hoodie may very well be the next poet laureate and not a gangbanger
  13. please
  14. Really, you’re gonna vote for a woman?


Actual Biden 2020 campaign subject lines, but…

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As bloggers, influencers, and moms ourselves, we know that the average lifestyle brand doesn’t always cut it. We understand that some days, your mental illness might prevent you from wholeheartedly consuming our veritable smorgasbord of carefully curated products designed to elevate you to a higher plane of being. That’s why we’re so proud to introduce Droop, the lifestyle brand for the depressed and anxious.

In the past, you may have believed that some of our products were “useless” or “actually super bad for your health.” We promise that was just the depression talking! With Droop, we’ll prove that if you…

Tomo Lazovich

Tomo Lazovich is a scientist, writer, and performer. When he’s not working on bringing about the impending robot apocalypse, he writes.

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