Starting Over
I don’t usually share my private life online, if you looked at my Instagram all you’d know about me is that I work, like cake and own a dog! However, I wanted to break my rules and share my experiences over the last six months.
This isn’t a plea for sympathy, it’s a reminder that you can get through anything — there is always light at the end, no matter how small it may seem at times.
It’s Over
In March, I discovered that my boyfriend of six years had been cheating on me since October the previous year. Six. Years. We’d been through a hell of a lot together in that time: two homes, two dogs, new jobs, mental health problems, family loss, we’d even undergone fertility treatment…… now all seemingly for nothing.
I found out when I saw text messages dating back months and I knew it was over (standard Jeremy Kyle style revelations). Any piece of emotion I’d ever felt for him simply vanished. I just felt sick. He’d lied to me every weekend for months telling me he was at the pub with his friend (ironically her dad…) when actually he was with her…. and that was just the tip of the iceberg. So many lies over the months, and I believed them all — many will say it’s my own fault for being so trusting.
The girl he was cheating on me with turned out to be a school friend of my younger brother, and was the age I was when I met my now ex…. Honestly, that was the most embarrassing part.
Living With Your Ex Isn’t Fun
The first thing I did was put the house on the market, but neither of us had anywhere to go (I did offer to cover all the bills and mortgage so he could leave, but he wouldn’t), meaning we had to continue living together until the move date…..nearly six months later! If you can get out, get out — in hindsight I would not have stayed in the house, no matter what it would have cost me in new rental fees.
What I thought could be amicable but knew would be awkward turned out to be a constant nightmare… I’ve lived on edge since March not knowing what attitude I was returning home to, whether I’d be able to get in my house, wondering what would go missing next and who I’d find in my home.
When you experience things over and over again you normalise them….. what I was living through wasn’t normal.
Over the last few months I’ve been through:
- Harassment via text messages
- My laptop hacked into and messages read
- Being called every name under the sun
- Constant lies being told about me
- Continual threats (changing locks, violence, calling the Police, even harming the dog)
- Items going missing
- Fuses being removed from items in the house to try and stop me from using them
- Cameras put up in the house to spy on me
- Banishment from rooms in my home
- My ex’s new girlfriend (the girl he cheated on me with) staying in my home… he even gave her a key to the house and she was there at times on her own
- Her mother verbally attacking me and making me cry in my own home
- Money stolen from bank accounts
- My ex going back on finance agreements, leaving me to settle them all and out of pocket by over four figures
- Reporting him to the police on more than one occasion.
- Finding out he’d messaged multiple girls throughout the years we were together
Throughout all of this though, I’ve tried to go through each day with a smile on my face. I was not prepared to let him break me. He didn’t deserve that pleasure. That’s not to say I haven’t had days where I’ve cried myself to sleep, broken down at work or had a panic attack for the first time in years, because all of that happened too….. I even normalised this behaviour I was living through to the extent that threats became trivial to me and I wasn’t surprised to find money missing — how crazy is that?!
Freedom
I’m out of pocket by over four figures, I’ve had to give up one of my dogs to him, I’ve had to sell a home I loved and pretty much start the last six years of my life over again, but I’m finally free.
I now own a new home that I can call solely mine, I’ve got my beagle Milo, I’m financially stable and work in an industry I love, but I’ve also met someone amazing who’s made me realise all the flaws that were in my old relationship. I couldn’t be more grateful to him and my family for all the support and help they’ve given me and even though I’m terrified of what’s next I’m excited because it’s all my decision to make, and I can do so without living in fear.
What Do I Want You To Take From This?
This isn’t a rant about relationships being bad, I know that breakups can be amicable — I was just unlucky not to experience this behaviour.
I have though, learnt so much over the last few months, most of it the hard way — so here’s my advice to you:
- Don’t fear leaving a long term relationship — it’s cliche but there really are more fish in the sea
- Always take the higher ground — it annoys people more when you don’t bite or respond
- Starting over when everyone around you is married or having babies might seem terrifying (six people i know have had babies in the last month!), but it’s exciting.
- Don’t normalise behaviour which isn’t normal — seek advice from the Police if needed, they will help.
- Don’t finance anything! If you have to, put both names on it.
- Whatever struggles you’re going through, you can absolutely get through them — focus on the future, even do a countdown if it makes you feel better.
But most of all, you are so much stronger than you think you are.
