Are you really going to wearable that?

Take that off! Seriously, you look so 2014 with that micro screen strapped to your wrist. I may still have one of those in the back of the closet. I’m pretty sure I wore it for my high school yearbook photo.

Let’s fit you with one of these updated utilities, like the Dome Phone. Your dad started wearing this two days ago, and boy, does he ever get the compliments! Now he can have a conversation with me and not worry about what I’m saying. Instant replay and mute mode is just an eye-blink away.

A nasal camera may not seem practical at first, but if you stop and think about it, it’s the one part of your body you don’t really use. Clip this to the bridge of your snout, and suddenly your memories are the center of your attention when you choose to access them.

My bestie has one of these, the Lip Bit. Not only does it measure all caloric intake through a tiny camera in your front tooth, and sound an alarm when you are over your diet restriction, it also records your thoughts before you speak. Now you will know why you said that horrible thing to your mother yesterday, and you can anxiously ponder it all through your sleepless night.

This one is a real throwback. It’s called the Shoe Phone, based on that TV show from the twentieth century, Get Smart. Sadly, these loafers were discontinued, due to the overwhelming urge a woman has to wack a man upside the head when she sees him talking into a shoe.

Standard Shoe Phone, circa 1965

I just ordered this for your brother. The Softwear Utility Belt sends signals to the Space Station whenever your core body temperature reaches zero Kelvin. And, as an added bonus, it holds up your pants.

These are for me, so you won’t be wearing them anytime soon! The Glove from Above records and stores all my life activity data in the cloud. I had to cash out my retirement to pre-pay for 64 zettabytes of storage, but it will be so relaxing to record the sounds of the brown-headed cowbird while I weed the garden.

Oh, here it is! The Photoshop Crop Top. You’ll look great in selfies with your BFFs that will auto enhance your smiles and sparklize your eyes before posting with hashtag FridaysAreForFlyBabes. Hurry up and change before the autonomous school bus leaves without you. Hugs!