Just beautiful.

Just before Christmas of 2015- I found myself (somewhat) unexpectedly pregnant. I was excited to add a 3rd kid to our little family. From the start, the pregnancy was difficult, with a bleed and spotting that lasted a month. At my 8 week appointment I felt acceptance and peace seeing our little bean growing. To my shock and surprise, at our 13 week appointment at the end of February, our perfect little baby’s heart was no longer beating. It had stopped just days earlier. My body did not get the message so I had my first D&C on 3/1 and then a 2nd on 3/10 to complete the miscarriage or “spontaneous abortion”

Now we try again. To replace? Its hard to know. I have blamed myself since the moment we found out and I’m not sure I’ll ever stop.

As a scientist, I have to find the reason, the scientific one, not the meta/spiritual reason. And if the doctor’s can’t find it, I’ll fill in the gaps and the gaps must be me.