So I’ve decided to write a novela, lol..
I’ve never been married but I might as well have been. I technically only had 2 actual, relationships. The both of them were extremely long and not a break enough from each other, might I add. I always wanted a happy family. I wanted the whole marriage and kids and all that good stuff. I didn’t have that luck with the first man so I found another. I was young and didn’t think much of it, but I fell in love back to back. I gave this second man all of me. I convinced not only myself but him, that I was ready for this commitment. Our first year of living together, mind you.. we’ve been together about 3–4 years prior to our move in, last year. That year was beyond a reality check! I feel like people should do that before getting married, honestly. I feel they should do at least 6 months of a pre-marriage and go from there. It’s impossible to get married and move in together, afterwards. Well it’s not impossible.. it’s actually really possible. It’s just risking a good or bad outcome. I have come to the ending point of my relationship where I can finally say, I gave up. The sad thing is, he wasn’t an issue. I’m the one with the issues. He has and would probably continue to give me the world, if I let him. He is always there for me. He tried so hard to understand everything I say and do in life. He makes sure to let me know that he loves me the way I am, fat and bitchy is the main way to describe that. He is everything a woman wants and/or needs. But I no longer want that. It’s like everything I ever wanted him to be, it’s like as if I never wanted that. I have become empty inside and out. I know how fucked up I am but I don’t stop it. It’s like, I don’t care to change. I know he deserves a woman to love him the way he loves me. To look at him the way he can’t take his eyes off me. I can’t be the woman he deserves and it kills me to see me killing him. I tried staying for the sake of our child and I don’t want to take them away from each other. I, of course will allow them to see each other but it’s different from an everyday, all day seeing. It’s so much more difficult than it seems. I started relying on him so much that I know I’m taking advantage. I feel like I’m going to struggle because he did everything for me.. us. From financially to loving, caring, cooking and just forever here; down ass fuck. I’m the fuck up here who has been on a constant battle with herself for several months, going on a year. It’s when we moved in together last year, to be exact. It’s like all of it, all at once, really did a mark on us. I’m not ready at all for any of it. It completely ruined us and I guess I’m weak because I didn’t care enough to fight for us and keep us going. I just gave up. It was the little, annoying stuff that added onto the fire. I gave up, he gave in 1000 times more. I felt he was being so needy, and he felt me pushing away more so he tried harder and harder and I just kept pushing away until I pushed myself so far, I can’t see where the love I once had, went.