Ok Ok, love me then….but I’m still a grump ;)

You ever realise you’re the one holding on to your pain?

I was having a good day yesterday. I did my walk, rearranged the balcony to be more ‘cute’, published a blog, AND was getting on with work, and then I started to get in a bad mood.

Now it’s likely I was tired, low blood sugar or just normal crappy moods that come and go. Nothing so important, but because I have been stressed and down a lot the past few months dealing with moving to a new country and all that that entails, a bad mood is scary for me, and tends to hit me pretty hard. I find it hard once the feeling hits to find the energy to pull myself out of it. Sometimes I don't know how and sometimes I can’t be bothered to do the hard work of getting out of that state, again.

So I sit there feeling all sorry for myself and finding enjoying anything in my life hard.

Fast-forward to this morning — I woke up and remembered what happened after that bad moment and that’s what I think was rather important. More so than my bad mood.

People loved me, supported me and made my life better.

My partner, with his words, hugs and looking after me while I spent hours working on the computer.

His mum, and now sort of mine too luckily, who popped by for a chat with the cutest dog ever and to drop off some amazing cheese (ricotta and provola)

My beautiful adopted grandma downstairs neighbour who gave us some amazing ingredients to make a tomato salad with all vegetables and herbs grown in her garden (she described how to make this all in Italian the day before and I more or less understood what she said which is a minor achievement for me). She also introduced to me coffee with lemon peel, a refreshing alternative, and Nonno’s (grandpa’s) coffee ice cream, I’m told a it’s typical 70’s desert, I really enjoyed.

When we all talk, we talk about a lot of things, our lives, our family, our friends and work. They are very caring, chatty people who enjoy to spend time together. Something that comes through to me when we speak is that they are proud of me and my partner, the life we are building, they congratulate me on working so hard, feel sorry for me for how tired I am, miss me when I am too busy to see people. Really, they are very supportive and in turn I care a lot for them too. Though my words are limited, the hugs and smiles I can give, I do, and no matter my bad mood these people help me shift it. They offer me love, and I’m learning to accept that.

After this day I worked some more….and some more and then we (my partner and I) had an amazing dinner made from gorgeous fresh food from these people who care for us (and great local fresh bread and a bottle of wine). We sat out on our terrace, ate and talked and enjoyed the warmth of the night. We were both exhausted and life is hard right now but it was a really nice meal and I really appreciated it.

(View from the balcony)

I then stayed up till 3am to carrying on working…but that’s because I am crazy (don’t feel bad for me it was my choice to attempt to get this piece of work over and done with, I hate projects that drag out forever).

I notice this morning, I fight to hang on to my pain for it to be validated and in so doing often reject or don’t, or even won’t, consider the positives I have.

Though this love doesn’t stop me being a grump, it doesn’t cancel out the pain I feel for the life I lost, or the fear I have for the future about how I will find my place in this new world, it really helps when I can wake up and feel the presence in my life of people who are caring for me. So ok, ok, go on and love me lovely people, friends, family near and far, but I’m still gonna be a grump about things until I’m used to it and over my pain. But I appreciate all you do to help me.

It’s a different kind of care than what I’m used to, a lot more food based so my wasteline is suffering, but its something new and worth getting used to and I am going to appreciate it!

Here’s the cute dog I mentioned earlier with me yesterday

And dressed like she is from Hawaii! Worth a smile :)

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