“I’m pregnant”: why the 12-week ‘rule’ matters
Since losing my 41 week old baby to stillbirth in June, understandably I’ve been a lot more conscious of debates around pregnancy and baby loss. In particular, reading Katy Lindemann’s opinion piece on the ’12 week rule’ in the Guardian in October has really stuck with me.
The 12 week rule is the convention that you don’t publicly announce your pregnancy until 3 months in, because after that time the chance of miscarriage drops significantly. The charity Tommy’s estimates that around 1 in 4 recognised pregnancies end in loss, and around 85% of these happen within the first trimester (three months). In Lindemann’s article, she suggests that this convention has created a culture of secrecy and shame — that baby loss before 12 weeks can be perceived as a ‘lesser’ loss and that women can be alone and alienated by secret grief.
The difference between shame and privacy
Now I would not want anyone to suffer through the loss of a baby alone and in secret. A miscarriage, a stillbirth, the death of a neonate — these are all equal in my eyes, you watch your entire future disappear before your very eyes.
However, I would like to propose that for some people, the twelve week radio silence can be a very good thing. I liked the whole ‘not telling anyone’ thing so much that we…
