If you are one of these people, you better hope I’m not put in charge. — Part 1

Because you aren’t going to be on this planet much longer.

Laura Hitchcock
Aug 8, 2017 · 3 min read

In my imaginary scenario, I’m minding my own business watching yet another episode of Forensic Files in my pajamas, when God (with a capital G) floats into my living room for a chat. I’ve never been religious, so for me, God will probably be the guy from that YouTube video where he’s drunkenly singing Kiss from a Rose to his cat, because that is the closest thing to a religious experience that I’ve ever had.

Anyway, He tells me that this overpopulation stuff has gotten out of control and I need to help him find some people who He can wipe off the face of the planet.* I protest for a period of time which is definitely not long enough, and then I’m like…who am I kidding, let’s get into this.

So here begins my countdown of the 10 groups of people I would recommend for immediate removal from this earth. Stay tuned for more updates.


please don’t do this.

10. People who blow their nose. But all the time.

What is going on with these people? Or, more specifically, what is going on up and inside of their nostrils that makes them do this?

Humour should be dry. White wine should be dry. When I get out of the shower, my towel should be dry. Your nostrils should NOT BE DRY when you are blowing your nose. Seriously, what are you trying to expel? Blowing your nose will not blow away those memories you’d rather forget. Remember when you wrote “Enjoy!” on an office-wide card that you thought was for Debbie’s birthday but turned out to be a “Sorry for your Loss” card for Kevin? Yep, those memories are still there, even if you blow your nose 20 times a day.

One time when I was 6 I got a bead stuck up my nose. The bead isn’t still there, because a doctor put a really long pair of tweezers up my nostril and pulled it out. This memory has me thinking — do these nose-blowers have “phantom bead syndrome”? Are they trying to expel a bead that isn’t even there? I’m going to approach the nose blower, put on my most sincere face and just say softly to them “there’s no bead” over and over again like that scene of Good Will Hunting. And if they shed a tear and stop then at least we will have an answer.


See you next week for number 9.

*Disclaimer: I am not suggesting that the following people should die. Let’s say we’ll wipe them off the face of this planet, but they will end up happy and healthy on some other planet where they can’t annoy me any longer.

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