Sunday morning I was at Christian Cultural Center to address the congregation about our firefighter recruitment campaign. I talked about my love of the department, and about the qualities our members have that make them so special: faith, heart and bravery.
Reverend AR Bernard has always been a great mentor, especially on my journey to getting comfortable with public speaking and sharing my story with the world. And as any good mentor would do, he pushed me to talk with the congregation about my recent decision to step down from my job. Here is some of what I shared with the congregation, and some of my journey that led to that decision.
COVID and its aftermath brought into my life all of the most human of struggles — deaths of some of my closest family members, divorce, a cancer scare, every type of heartbreak — all while watching our members lose their lives to this disease and alongside the urgent need to keep the department supported 24/7/365, under truly impossible circumstances. I desperately wanted to be at FDNY, but I also knew I might not have the energy for the next phase of the department’s recovery. At 11pm on December 31st 2021, I wrote a resignation letter reiterating my commitment to support the department forever, and a memo to my future successor about how special this place is, and what they might need to guide them through leading it. I left both under my keyboard, intending to turn them in the next day.
I woke up the next morning with a serious case of COVID. Somehow after two years of non-stop work during the pandemic both in the office and out in the field, I had finally gotten it. This would be both the first time I was isolated from other humans and the first time I had taken any time off of work — forced by how sick and tired I was to sleep for nearly a week straight.
The first day I tested negative for COVID was Sunday, January 9th 2022. I received a call from my boss about a fire in the Bronx and was told to go straight there. The Twin Parks fire would end up being NYC’s deadliest fire in three decades, killing 17 people. When I arrived on scene I saw members I had known for years so covered in black soot that I didn’t even recognize them at first. Our members who see tragedies every day, with a look in their face that said this one was different. Bodies were still being rushed out of the building, with no idea at how many more people could be dead.
We spent weeks in the Bronx in the aftermath of the fire, visiting the Firefighters and EMTs who had been there to ensure they were getting our support. We visited the community leaders and electeds to find out how we could help the families of the victims and the survivors. In the midst of the recovery from that tragic fire, the Fire Commissioner informed me he’d be retiring, and I would need to step in as acting commissioner until a replacement was named. I’ve never said no when the department needed something, and I was honored to hold that role even if it would only be for a short period. I’d been acting in his place many times before, and figured this would be no different.
Five minutes after Commissioner Nigro retired at midnight, I got the sort of devastating call you never want to receive as commissioner. Firefighter Jesse Gerhard had collapsed and died in his firehouse. I would spend the rest of the evening in the hospital with his family and fellow FDNY members. The next day I learned my aide of many years was dying of a terminal illness. I went to the hospital and sat with his family while they said their last goodbye. In my first week on the job, I spent nearly 48 hours in a hospital with families losing a loved one, in both cases a person I cared very much about. I also spent that 48 hours constantly around the kind of resilience and dedication that is the true strength of the FDNY, and what impresses me most about the organization and its members. No matter the tragedy — they answer the call.
In those tragic moments, I could not turn away from the people I cared about so much. The department was dealing with the aftermath of Covid, which had crushed morale, devastated members’ mental health, and caused major hits to our resources and budget. Lithium ion battery fires were emerging as a crisis. We went on to lose three more members in tragic circumstances: Tim Klein, Alison Russo and Billy Moon. I was still holding two jobs: first deputy commissioner and commissioner. I can barely remember the day I was formally sworn in.
I have loved every minute of this job. Leaving is a decision I’ve wrestled with for months because my love for the FDNY is so profound, and for a very long time I’ve been able to overcome my personal hurdles to persist in making it better. And I wasn’t sure I’d ever find the right time.
As I shared with the congregation Sunday morning, sometimes when we don’t know the answer to something, God shows us the way.
In the last few weeks, I’ve taken time away from my job for the first time in years. It’s allowed me to reconnect with my family and friends. And while those moments have brought me great joy, they have also brought me profound sadness. The reunions I missed, the family trips I hadn’t been on, the births and anniversaries I didn’t attend. The nieces and nephews who are growing into people without me. The friends who had fallen in love and gotten married and divorced and promoted, and I wasn’t always able to be there for them.
Life is short. No place has taught me that more profoundly than the FDNY. Nothing is more important to me than my community. But in this job, it is impossible to give your all to the FDNY and your life. I learned this from our members, who make that tough choice every day. The Department needs a commissioner who can give it 100 percent of their all every day. I gave that to FDNY for 10 years. It’s time for me to give that time back to all the people who made it possible in the first place for me to serve our beloved city for so long.
I hope in that crowd at CCC Sunday morning, there were not only future heroes and heroines, but maybe even a future female fire commissioner. I pray that she will know she can be brave enough to stand up for what she believes in, and that she can achieve her dream. That she can fight for the members of the FDNY no matter the headwinds she faces. And I also hope that she will also be brave enough to make the decision to choose herself when that’s the right decision.
