an·al·ge·si·a (The Trials of Separation II)


Have you ever been high?

And by high I mean on life? on anything? Well if you have than you can relate. Analgesia is defined in the Merriam-Webster dictionary as an insensibility to pain without loss of consciousness. What does that mean exactly? Well in my world I searched for analgesia, a way to numb the pain from my childhood while remaining conscious and functional. The forms it took were very predictable to say the least.

photography by Anthony Capristo (Numb)

One particular form that I exacerbated was relationships. Oh my did I know how to get high off of love. I would grab on to a particular moment in a relationship and allow it to fuel me for extraordinary amounts of time. As I reminisce about the people I have chosen to love I realize that many times the feelings were not mutual. Now I have had people who loved me in return but it always seemed to me as if I was willing to give more, sacrifice more than the other party. Now is that because they are bad people? Absolutely not. It has more to do with my own choice of expression and behavior than it does with the person I shared myself with.


Accountability

That is one hell of a word. It means accepting responsibility for where we are in life. By choosing to be fully responsible for how we conduct ourselves it gives us the power to change the actions we do not like. Thankfully I have scripture to remind me that I am etched, formed, created in the image of a living God. It’s amazing how reaffirming that can feel. When I feel weak I understand that there is something greater at work inside me changing the playing field. Grace has followed me all the days of my life. Yet in grace I have found it is not about pretending there are no consequences for what I do but all the more so mercy for when I am in the wrong. Taking responsibility shifts a person from victim to victor by placing the power to change in our own hands.


But it’s all their fault…

Have you ever found yourself blaming another person for your actions? Trying to reconcile what they have done to you and giving yourself the excuse to misbehave or act poorly? If only you knew that by doing so only chains you to that experience. By magnifying their actions you tend to miss what you may have done to allow it. Now I am in no way saying that everyone who hurts you somehow is your fault but what you can do is choose what you do not want going forward. I was married once and he left without warning. Though we had fought on many occasions and even talked about separation, I was blindsided. I walked in from work one late Saturday afternoon to find an empty apartment and empty picture frames. I pleaded for reconciliation, counseling anything. Prayed, fasted and begged yet he never did come back. In this instance the answer to my prayers were a clear “no”. Can you imagine that for a moment? The fear, the pain, the hurt, the absolute heartbroken person I was when he walked away? Yet as I write these words I am not angry with him anymore. I have found that even in this kind of separation there is a lesson to be learned. Wisdom to be gained. A sense of self to be found. He taught me to simply redirect my prayers about what I want in the future. Now when I pray I remember to thank God in advance for my future. For a person who will stay through the thick, the thin, the good, the bad, sickness and health. It sounds as if that is not possible but I assure you it is. He has since moved on with his life and my prayers for him are that he will be as happy as I once wished I could make him. There is good to take from every bad experience. That whole era of my life was a dark night but joy comes in the morning (it’s a promise).


The Learning Curve

I am still learning this lesson everyday. Learning to forgive the people that left, the people that hurt. It is an ongoing choice to free them from the debt I believed they owed me. Grabbing the key and opening the prison doors where I kept my resentment and anger for them. There is a greater debt that was paid for in exchange for my life and now I can only pay it forward. You see because in the end all we owe each other (really) is love. I owe love because I was loved first.

I pray you can take a moment today to let go and Let God.

See you again soon beloved.

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