Shame had a hold on me.
How can I describe shame? The reality is that I find it rather impossible to put the depth of it into words.
How it began…
Growing up the way I did actually instilled shame into my character from a very early age. Having been sexually abused on many different occasions by more than one attacker created a very different perspective in me regarding shame. Gory details are not really the point of this article I write more so to help guide what happens to many of us who have encountered the very real challenge of what shame does.
Throughout my twenties I was married to the boy from high school. He was the child of two very devout Christian parents and it was after we began dating that I found myself visiting a revival. It was a November night, at the age of 21 when I finally professed my belief in Jesus. I had done so on other occasions but in all my life this was the very first time I really believed heart, mind and soul. There was a woman preaching about how high she held her head up knowing she was a child of God. She spoke passionately about being strong and courage filled. Her voice rang out like a lion’s mighty roar in my still insecure ear.
It was right then that I knew I wanted to feel what she felt…
Due to the shame that had gripped me since my younger years it was a breath of fresh air to see this woman walk in authority as she shared the good news of the gospel. I imagined that if she was able to obtain this kind of confidence than maybe there was still hope for me yet. Something in me pushed my body up and out of my seat. It pulled me to my knees that day and out of my mouth came the sweet name of Jesus.
That night has profound significance to me not just because I professed my belief but more than anything because I found a strength I had not known before. My eyes were lifted, it was a much needed delivery of confidence in to the very air of my lungs. I felt braver all of a sudden. Just like that something woke in the depths of me and I took my first steps as a Christian. It marked the beginning of my journey finding myself in Christ. I hope you will let me take you on that journey with me.
See you again soon.