Best Sellers at the Silverlake Dildo Emporium

Reclaimed Barn Wood Dildo: Hand-turned by artisans from ethically salvaged walnut found at abandoned Vermont dairy farms. Regular sanding recommended to prevent splinters.

Antique Pewter Dildo (used): Charming dents add character to this time-worn self-pleasurer. (c. late 19th century)

Exposed Brick Dildo: This restored dildo is affordably priced for first-time buyers, but purchasing it means that 5 other stucco dildos will be forced to relocate from the Dildo Emporium to Dennis’ Discount Dildos in the suburbs.

Amethyst Crystal Dildo for Chakra Healing: This is a real thing. It’s $280 and its called a Chakrub. I swear, you can look it up. I’m sorry to be the person reporting this to you.