Groupon Offer: Laura Dating Packages

Act now, these offers are timed to expire with my ovaries!

Entry Level Package ⭐️

Text responses within 2 hours. No sexts but will send 30 Rock .gifs and unsolicited advice. Will bring you a moderately priced six-pack if one of our dates awkwardly falls on your birthday. I get to make 75 percent of Netflix decisions but will make you feel like your opinion is valued in the selection process. 0–25% of overnight stays at your place, depending on how much beard hair is in your sink.

Gold Level Dating ⭐️⭐️

Above package PLUS: Will listen to you talk about a sport for 1 hour a week. Will watch up to 25 minutes of a video game, in exchange for an exhaustive compliment delivery schedule. We split all the bills, but I pick two thirds of the restaurants. 40% of overnight stays at your place.

Platinum Level Dating ⭐️⭐️⭐️

Above packages PLUS: Comprehensive sexting package, low-guilt pet-sitting, high tolerance of lame friends and roommates, limited complaining about quality of your mattress. 60% of overnight stays at your place.

VIP Experience ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Above packages PLUS: Blow-job wake ups, removal of select emotional barriers, and will feign reduced need for constant attention and validation. Will remove nose ring when I meet your parents. Waxes on special occasions. 80% of overnight stays at your place.

Don’t forget to inquire about our Permanent V.I.P. Experience! 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟 It only includes the Entry Level package, but child bearing is negotiable in exchange for fine jewelry. ◆

A single golf clap? Or a long standing ovation?

By clapping more or less, you can signal to us which stories really stand out.