The Ten Plagues of Your Rent-Controlled Apartment

Your Landlord is basically Pharaoh in this analogy.

1. Water into Unfiltered Water

You are SWIFTLY punished for neglecting to replace your Brita filter and must reckon with the unanswerable question: is your tap water truly safe?

2. Intermittently Broken Laundry Machines

Your dryer will mostly work — except at unpredictable intervals when it doesn’t, leaving you with a sopping wet duvet. But the real curse is that your machines aren’t in-unit.

3. Bugs

A light cleaning will reveal that your apartment houses such a vast ecosystem of insects, you are basically living in a Far Side cartoon. You vacuum them, but loose sleep at night worrying wether they are building a super colony in the canister of your Hoover.

4. Boils

These are the result of being bitten by the aforementioned insects. One is going to be right on your boob. It will look sort of like a boob within a boob.

5. Diseased Livestock

Your roommate’s dog will get a weird skin infection that causes it to leave little flakes all over the laminate flooring. You will resent this.

6. Poor Wi-Fi Signal

Your Internet is provided by Time Warner.

7. Thunderstorm of Hail and Fire

A light fall drizzle forces L.A. into what can only be described as a chaotic standstill and your Seamless order takes FOREVER.

8. Locusts

Your roommate will invite over a guy from Tinder, who will then invite over his friends, who then invite over their friends. They will plow through the nice alcohol, overuse the decorative towels and want to watch Vice TV until 1 a.m. It will be a Wednesday.

9. Darkness for Three Days

The aforementioned light fall drizzle will wipe out power in your entire neighborhood. Your laptop will lose charge before you have a chance to finish the latest episode of Westworld. *You are truly forsaken by God.*

10. Sacrifice of a First Born

This is how much it costs get out of your lease and own property in your current neighborhood. ◆

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