When asked how I can I identity a non-local from a local, here’s my standard reply.

And I hate to appear as if I have no home-town pride but actually, NO. I don’t have any home-town pride at all.

I live in a neighborhood that the residents themselves refer to as

“Venus Hills”

It's a relatively small lower class neighborhood where the two biggest crimes that afflict the county are marijuana offenses and missing tools.

In fact no one in this delapitated Hell hole actually ownes their own set of tools. I'm unsure why this is considered to be a hot commodity around these parts but it is anyway.

My own father has unsuccessfully tried to keep the red-necks out of his tool shed for years. Locks, alarms and even a black lab known as “Bingo” have all failed to be decent deteriants. All of our neighbors are also without their own tools as well.

I'd definitely be able to spot an out of towner simply by doing a cursory check of their tools. Does this stranger have his own tool box? Is he capable of changing his own flat tire? Aha!! Definitely not from around here!

And of course anyone who's not got that donut-glazed stare is immediately suspect. If he's not carrying around Visine and a one-hitter can't be a local.

That probably explains why no one from around here can ever figure out directions. No one from Venus hill seems capable of locating any new address or enabling the mysterious GPS feature since of course any task too complicated is a challenge in the drug induced haze.

Basically if someone rolled up flashing both a Phillips and a flat-top and wasn't driving around aimlessly in circles, oh yeah.

He's got to be from someplace else.

**No I'm sorry I don't have any weed for sale or tools

Like what you read? Give laura ruhl a round of applause.

From a quick cheer to a standing ovation, clap to show how much you enjoyed this story.