Hey Boy Scouts, It’s Time to Get Your Hottest People at the Party Badge

Hey Boy Scouts, it’s time to get your Hottest People at the Party Badge! This week, Donald Trump spoke at the National Boy Scout Jamboree to address the merits of your treasured institution, to about 40,000 of your fellow teenage Boy Scouts. He spoke about American traditions like “the night with the maps” and inspiring tales like “the time he failed, and he failed badly, lost all of his money.” So take a look at the new merit badges inspired by the honorary President of the Boy Scouts of America.

Hottest People at the Party Badge

“I saw him at a cocktail party, and it was very sad because the hottest people in New York were at this party.”

To earn this badge, you will learn how to identify the hottest people at the party, talk to the hottest people at the party, and learn to identify the losers who can’t possibly talk to the hottest people at the party.

America’s Famous Nights on Television Badge

“Do you remember that famous night on television, November 8, where they said — these dishonest people — where they said there is no path to victory for Donald Trump?”

To earn this badge, you must be able to describe the most important moments in American history, such as a Presidential election, and organize them by their ratings on television.

Won’t Do It Just Kidding Yes I Will Do It Badge

“Who the hell wants to talk about politics when I’m in front of the Boy Scouts?”

To earn this badge, you will learn how to make a strong public statement, and then immediately do the opposite. This takes years of practice and skill to do it confidently, because otherwise it sounds like you are lying.

Christmas in July Badge

“And by the way, under the Trump administration, you’ll be saying ‘Merry Christmas’ again when you go shopping. Believe me. ‘Merry Christmas.’”

To earn this badge, you must say the words “Merry Christmas” in various scenarios while shopping for jeans at Hollister in the middle of the summer. When someone asks you if you need a different size in the dressing room, say “Merry Christmas.” When someone asks you if you are paying with your parents’ credit card, say “Merry Christmas.” When your girlfriend tells you those jeans look nice on you, say “Merry Christmas.”

The Tremendous Amount of Money Badge

“And he sold his company for a tremendous amount of money. At the time especially, this was a long time ago, sold his company for a tremendous amount of money.”

To earn this badge, you must first be able to identify three people with a tremendous amount of money, then you must make a bar graph comparing their tremendous amounts of money, and then you must print that bar graph on paper, to use the paper as kindling to start a campfire. Then watch that tremendous amount of money burn, because you will never have that much money.

Silly Synonym Swap Badge

“I said we oughta change it from the word swamp to the word cesspool or perhaps to the word sewer.”

To earn this badge, you must be able to fluently switch one word with two other possible words, which are similar in meaning. Do this while telling a story around the campfire, but make sure the synonyms don’t strengthen your overall narrative.

Disguised Threat Badge

“As the Scout Law says: ‘A Scout is trustworthy, loyal’ — we could use some more loyalty, I will tell you that.”

To earn this badge, you must learn how to make a statement that seems positive and supportive to a crowd, but that statement must also make a specific person wonder if you are going to fire them or possibly kill them in their sleep and leave a horse’s head on the sheets. Again, this takes years of practice — often at the level of an Eagle Scout.

Open Threat Badge

“Secretary Tom Price is here today . . . By the way, are you going to get the votes? He better get them. He better get them. Oh, he better. Otherwise I’ll say, “Tom, you’re fired.” I’ll get somebody.”

To earn this badge, you practice the advanced leadership skill of threatening your top executives in front of a crowd of people. Real masters of this craft will also laugh during the threat, as if it is a joke.

Presidential Theater Badge

“By the way, just a question, did President Obama ever come to a jamboree?”

The Boy Scouts already had a theater badge, but my goodness, the honorary President of the Boy Scouts has such theatrical skill that we created a brand new kind of theater badge. To earn this badge, you must get elected to the highest office in our country without ever serving in the government, doing public service or studying American history. You will do it by creating a three-dimensional character who starts with a written script, but then uses improvisational theater to create your own narrative. Only one person has ever earned this badge, and he was never a Boy Scout.